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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 27/03/2011 13:33

i totally agree yusmilady.

the posts that are saying "their loss, they'll die lonely" are seeping with bitterness and it is almost as if peopel are wishing that on their parents/grandparents.

Portofino · 27/03/2011 21:42

boffinmum, that sounds so crap! Sad I was going to type some platitudes but actually what I want to say is some people just should not have children! My dad is pretty useless but I do know that he cares - he is just useless. Your mum just sounds .....well sad. She will get old and no one will give a shit....You reap what you sow imho.

Portofino · 27/03/2011 21:46

BooyHoo, so for family members who never gave a shit, never made an effort, the minute they get a bit frail and need help themselves, should everyone be willingly rushing to help?

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 21:50

I have had a very full and frank discussion with my mother about all this. She thinks she shouldn't have had children; I have said I will help her find herself a decent nursing home but I am not paying for it and I am not undertaking her care personally. There has been an agreement about that. She will of course change her mind when she gets frail, and I will probably do a bit more than I anticipated but it will be entirely out of duty and not love, which is sad.

Portofino · 27/03/2011 21:54

Aah duty! Sad

Portofino · 27/03/2011 21:59

And do you feel BM, about your mother telling you that she shouldn't have had children. Sad

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 22:08

She initially announced this in front of me and one of my friend at a May Ball, and my reaction was "Oi, I am standing here, you know". Later on I reminded her she had said this, and she claimed not to have meant it, but I said I thought she did and not to worry about it. It doesn't affect me now as I have my own household. But I was a fairly sad little thing as a child and I do regret the fact that I had to live like that for so long. I suppose a bit of me will always be damaged as a consequence. But I don't obsess about it. I have a nicer life in many ways than her - more friends, more lovely kids, more adoration and more adventures.

Portofino · 27/03/2011 22:17

I know waht you mean. They say that living well is the best revenge.

Thingumy · 27/03/2011 22:29

oh boffin I sympathize,my mother is of similar vileness and I feel the same about my input towards her when she approaches old age.

She's told me she wouldn't expect me to care for her,good said I.

At least we agree on one thing Wink.

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 22:34

I really don't feel vengeful, and I don't hate her. She's like a child in her attitudes, and I would feel wrong hating her. She just doesn't know any better. No point in fretting. I just hope she sees the light at some point.

dexifehatz · 27/03/2011 22:35

Why do people have children and then not be interested in their children?

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 22:36

I mean, I don't have to sit in a golf club listening to daft nonsense all day, do I? Karma has worked for me and not for her. Wink

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 22:36

I think they go along with social expectation and habit and don't quite think it through. There's a lot of this in the UK. People don't know what the hell to do with children any more.

Thingumy · 27/03/2011 22:41

My mother tried to to palm me off age 3 to my grandmother.

She turned up at 10pm one night out of the blue with me in tow and said 'You have her,I don't want her any more'

My grandmother told her to piss off and be a mother,you don't dump children when you feel the heat of parenthood.My grandmother had a child of 13 at that time too.

I do regret the outcome (and so does my grandmother now).

Ho hum.

BoffinMum · 27/03/2011 22:45

Bloody hell, what a mess. My extreme sympathies. My mother would never ever have done that.

Thingumy · 27/03/2011 22:50

Some women really just aren't cut out to be mothers.

Sadly a few of us seem to bear the brunt of that.

I try not to be bitter about it all though.

Smile
ninedragons · 27/03/2011 23:14

Jesus Christ, there are some terribly sad stories on this thread.

I think the reason people get hurt about not getting any help is that the grandparents are effectively rejecting their child, not their grandchildren. Babysitting helps the parent out, although obviously building a close relationship with the grandchild is a lovely side-effect.

I can't imagine letting my children struggle with anything that was within my power to help. But I know I swim against the MN tide - eg I think families should look after each other in their wills, fund education/house deposits etc as far as means permit, and help out with their GCs if physically possible. I can't bear the "how dare you feel entitled?" rage that goes on here. I am entitled, because I have a close and loving relationship with my parents. I feel sorry for those who don't, and I hate that they always get a pasting on MN by people who think fierce independence is the highest virtue. It's not.

lesley33 · 27/03/2011 23:31

I agree families should help each other out. But I don't agree parents should always put their adult children first. I think like all adults in a family it should be give and take.

Violethill · 28/03/2011 06:43

"eg I think families should look after each other in their wills, fund education/house deposits etc " - so the GPs 'should' be funding house deposits, school/university fees.... while the adult children 'should' be funding the care home for the GPs.... surely this simply reinforces the point that as adults, we ALL have financial responsibilities, and its unfair to assume any one party should be financially responsible for another?

Perhaps some of you have genuinely got parents who are loaded to the hilt... or perhaps you have a rather rosy picture of what being a pensioner entails. Let's hope after your elderly parents have paid your house deposit for you, and looked after your kids for free so you can keep all your earnings, then they have the odd few hundreds of thousands of pounds spare to fund their own care - just in case you realise then that you don't want to (or can't) reciprocate Hmm

ninedragons · 28/03/2011 08:09

Yes, of course the obligation is reciprocal.

Northernlurker · 28/03/2011 08:20

I do think there's a reason that these four people want so little to do with the op's children. I daresay it's not the grandchildren themselves although three under five is a lot to look after if you're not used to it. I think the op and her husband need to examine themselves.

echt · 28/03/2011 08:33

The OP lost my sympathy when she led with her not having had a night out in over a year.

Only then did she go on about her selfish parents. So it IS all about them not baby-sitting and not the "memories" the little GCs won't have.

Believe someone when they tell you what they are.

YABU.

lesley33 · 28/03/2011 08:45

I had 4 children under 5 for a short time and it was impossible to find anyone who would look after all 4 - everyone seemed to find it too daunting. Perhaps GP's feel the same about 3 children under 5.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/03/2011 09:53

It's not a crime to want a night out with your husband and to want your parents to babysit occasionally. The OP isn't asking asking for full time free childcare, just to be able to have the odd evening alone with her DH. Yes, she could pay for babysitting, but many parents feel more secure leaving their children with family. I think it is selfish to not want to do that from time to time for your child. Families should want to help each other out. Not saying that adult children should take all the time, it ought to be reciprocated willingly, but I do think it is sad that some parents have the idea that once their DC are legally adults, all input and help should automatically stop.

BakeliteBelle · 28/03/2011 10:04

There seems to be a lot of love and warmth missing in some families.

I always feel quite sad, seeing grandparents playing with and loving spending time with their grandchildren.

I feel for you OP - and for all the other posters with really sad stories on here. All WE can do is make sure we are warm and loving and giving parents and grandparents - without being exploited - and we don't repeat the mistakes our parents made