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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep DS off school until they can look after him properly??

206 replies

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 25/03/2011 14:59

I am so upset and so angry. DS has soiling problems - waiting for paed. app. afte fruitless GP visits/diet changes. Have had threads in the past (me being called to take DS home, all the time he is sitting on a paper towel in his own shit) and today was the sae. Although, today was "so bad we had to change him" (!??!) but he came home socks covered in shit, dry shit down his les and shorts on so they could definatly see it all! THey had half heartedly changed him thenshoved clean shorts on him and made him wait for me like that. And he missed the last hour or so of school - again. I have talked and talked to them - they said they would remind and "make" him go after lunch (the only luck I have is getting him to try and sometimes we time it right - other than that he has little/no sense of going) - DS tells me they haven't. He jumped was soaked with poo , hands dirty & stunk of poo.... They just handed him over and told me to "gee him up" with toileting.

I can't snd him back, I just can't - my heart breaks when I seeing him sitting on him own in his own poo patiently waiting for me :(

OP posts:

maxybrown · 29/03/2011 16:04

can you not remove him?

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 30/03/2011 10:40

I want to see if they change their ways first. If they refuse, then I'd rather fight it than just slink away to another school. then I might change schools. Nothing will change if I just remove him. It is also one of only two Catholic schools in the area (was 2nd choice!) , the was full of siblings so we are down the waiting list.

Would this be classed as a SEN?

OP posts:

MollieO · 30/03/2011 10:54

Ds had a similar sounding problem in reception that went on fir months. I'd send in a bag with several changes of clothes and wet wipe, nappy sacks for the soiled clothes. It took several trips to our GP (whose a paediatric registrar) to get Ds sorted. He had a bug and it left him constipated (didn't know he was constipated as he was still going). The constipation meant he^ didn't know when he needed to go to the toilet. Can't remember what the term is but basically he lost the sensation that gives you warning of when you need to go. Once we got that sorted (long term use of lactulose) he then developed a phobia of using the school toilets. He refused even though his teacher would go and check they were clean(and clean if needed) when he needed to go. The school were fantastically supportive and keen to do everything they could so he could continue to attend school.

I hope you manage to get some support for your Ds. It is a horrible thing to go through. Ds also bad to deal with his classmates telling him he smelt ( this was dealt with very promptly by the teacher thank goodness).

jeee · 30/03/2011 11:09

OP - I'm absolutely horrified at what your DS has gone through.

If the situation continues and you have to swap schools ( you shouldn't have to, but sometimes pragmatism is more important than principles) you might find that schools with an attached pre-school have better facilities. When my DS was having similar problems, the school said that when the pre-school opened in a few months time there would be proper changing facilities, which would make everything easier.

bumpsoon · 30/03/2011 11:10

I really do feel for your little boy , at the end of the day it is no-ones fault he has this issue and you as a parent are trying to get the support you need to rectify it . I would definately chase the pead appointment , do you know which consultant you have been referred to ? if you do ring the secretary and explain the situation and stress how awful it is for your son and say you can come in at short notice if they get a cancellation.
If it is constipation ,which it sounds like ,this is very ,very common and can be treated, as so many others have pointed out . If and when your son does return to school ,i would send a bag in with him ,with a change of clothes , wet wipes (lots of these) ,nappy bags for solied clothes , gloves for the person doing the cleaning up . I think if you have provided a kit that makes the task of cleaning up easier ,then if the school fail to do a proper job in future ,you can really let rip .
Good luck

castlesintheair · 30/03/2011 11:23

OP, can you get a referral to a gastroenterologist asap? (Sorry if this is already in pipeline but have just skim-read the thread).

My friend's son had exactly the same problems/attitude from his school throughout his Reception year. When he saw a gastroenterologist aged 5 - think they have to be 5 to see one - the incontinence issues were resolved very quickly. One of the things they were advised to do (and which you might want to do now) is to cut out all apple juice and to drink a plain Actimel drink every day. The results were amazing and life-changing for them all.

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 30/03/2011 11:40

Seeing a Paed. on April 15th (soonest we could get). He has just turned 5, legally has to be at school after Easter so hopefully will have enough of an idea what may be wrong before he is really due back. I am kicking myself for not getting Bupa when I rung to enquire - is it too late now?

OP posts:

MollieO · 30/03/2011 12:00

If you got Bupa cover now and claimed they would ask when you first saw your doctor about this. That would pre-date your cover and this would be excluded.

I have Bupa cover for Ds but over the years for all his medical appointments I've only used it once and that was to see a surgeon locally than doing a 100 mile round trip to see the nearest available NHS one. The longest we waited was 3 weeks for physio. Most if the consultants' appointments were 2 weeks.

nottirednow · 30/03/2011 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

magso · 30/03/2011 12:24

Get an appointment SAP with the school nurse (there is usually one shared between a number of schools) in case she can help. Our school nurse gave me helpful advice whilst awaiting specialist appointments but most helpfully spoke to the staff, organised a space in the medical room for supplies ( I supplied) and an extra peg for spare cloths. Many of the practical ideas came from me but the nurse implemented them and changed attitudes. I signed paperwork to allow TAs to help my child in clean up when required. I feel for you and your ds.

StealthPolarBear · 30/03/2011 12:42

Your poor little boy :(

"They used to clean him up, and give me clothes home in a bag - before he started this school I discussed this problem with them, they assured me it was OK, others did it, they would just change him. "

Have you asked them what has changed - why they can no longer do this?

Lots of people are saying send him in in pull ups. Fair enough but he will still need to be changed, and someone will need to do that.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 30/03/2011 13:25

poor ds, what a stressful situation for you both
I do think that if a child is having probleLLms with getting to the loo on time which result in him needing to be cleaned up, then he should be given the help to do that. I am astounded that they have left him sitting covered in poo in the corridoor. Yes, it will be hard to find the staff to do it, etc, but he has a need for this extra help at the moment, and really the school could be doing a lot more for him.

Leaving him on a paper towel covered in poo? Are they insane?

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 31/03/2011 10:01

Well....

Just got back. I told her what has been happening and she said "I'm suprised they did that" - I thought she meat leaving him (!!), but she meant she was suprised they had ever changed him as they "do not change children". I said pretty much that was unacceptable, she is calling around to find out I guess if they have to change them. School nurse I think is calling me. GP is wrting a letter. Going back Monday am to see what has been put in place.

OP posts:

givemesomespace · 31/03/2011 10:24

OP you'll probably get a lot better specialist help through the NHS with this sort of thing, but the wait can be annoying. BUPA cover would probably mean you could see someone quicker but I'd question whether you would get to see the most knowledgeable person.

We managed to sort this out with a 6.5 year old on our own without medical advice. The whole experience was heart breaking so I feel your pain.

I'm guessing you are clued up on the approach to take with your little boy (re the problem, not the school) but if not, then feel free to shout for advice or PM me. There are some fairly straightworward things you can do that should help sort it out (if its not progressed to something more entrenched or is caused by an underlying medical condition).

Good luck :)

givemesomespace · 31/03/2011 10:26

I should add that I think the school's approach to this is unacceptable and will be compounding the problem. The DS of a good friend of mine went through exactly the same thing and their school was just as uncaring as what you describe. Will try and find out if they managed to change the attitude.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 31/03/2011 10:47

"do not change children" my arse.

I don't like their attitude. If this is their approach to a small child's toiletting issues, I doubt they show much compassion elsewhere either.

StealthPolarBear · 31/03/2011 10:50

A friend looked round the nursery of the local school and was told similar things to this school. It put me off completely. As it happens that wouldn't have been an issue, but at the time I had no idea whether DS would be fully toilet trained by school age. I don't want him going somewhere so rigid and uncaring.

marbeth · 31/03/2011 10:58

I would contact the school nurse.They can then work with you and the school to sort out a plan.

PaulaHamilton · 31/03/2011 12:31

Your poor boy! I hope the school sort themselves out soon! THey're in the role of "loco parentus" and if they accept a child into their care then they are duty-bound to CARE for the child and accomodate additional needs. Your son's school seems to be epically failing at this!

Will you call for a meeting with the head and DS's teacher to sort this out? I showed my husband your post and he thinks that the psychological effects of the school letting your boy sit around in his own waste could be huge. Especially if his classmates know. Do they?

Oh your poor wee man. I wouldn't be sending him either. Can you get your doc to provide special pants for him until a pedi sorts this out for you?

SarkyLady · 31/03/2011 13:31

She should not be finding out whether they "have to" do this.

She should be finding out how they can make the best possible arrangements to make sure that your child receives the education that he is entitled to.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2011 15:18

so basically head-teacher doesnt give a fuck then :(

she should KNOW what school has to do in these circumstances

welshbyrd · 31/03/2011 16:06

Unbelievable!!!!
FGS if thats the headmasters attitude, no wonder the teachers are behaving this, a disgrace

nottirednow · 01/04/2011 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 01/04/2011 09:24

Yes, I probably will if I hear nothing as of 12 ish. I am wondering if a private school would be any better at looking after his needs....

OP posts:

GiddyPickle · 01/04/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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