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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

275 replies

deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:25

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 15:29

Do you not have friends or family who can come to stay for a few days?

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:31

Yes, but its about a 5 hour journey, and that's provided they are packed and ready to go at a moments notice. Which could be a bit of an ask if I get a twinge at, say 2 am. And they might end up missing it if no. 2 is quicker than the first.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 18/03/2011 15:35

No they wouldn't allow children hanging around in buggies unattended..and to be honest, as even babies born in some hospitals have been taken, I wouldn't risk it Sad

Roseflower · 18/03/2011 15:37

How about getting a babysitting agency/ paid childcare on standby? You could to meet the potential sitters beforehand to feel comfortable. Expensive option, but worth it in this situation.

Alternativley get a doula to support you whist dh stays at home?

radiohelen · 18/03/2011 15:38

Get the family to come to you. That is not an unreasonable ask. You are about to provide them with another grandchild. Otherwise start to get used to the idea of not having DH with you when you give birth.

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:39

Thanks, roseflower. I think I will have to call up a childcare agency to ask about options. Its just the not knowing what to ask for - it could realistically be any time, night or day, within a 4 week window. I want to cry.

OP posts:
twilight3 · 18/03/2011 15:39

well... it looks to me like you're going to need professional help here.
Nanny, doula?

twilight3 · 18/03/2011 15:40

sorry, xposted

twilight3 · 18/03/2011 15:41

don't cry, your situation is far from unique, I'm sure there are professionals out there to help you and support you...

Crawling · 18/03/2011 15:42

Home birth a option? you could certainly leave him sleeping then.

silverfrog · 18/03/2011 15:44

we were in this position. no family to help out, no close enough friends nearby (the one friend I could have asked, and who would have done it happily despite living a couple of hundred miles away, was booked into hospital for a big op around the time I was due)

we booke d amaternity nanny for a month. was very hard to decide on the dates (especially since my due date kept being shifted!).

it was highly likely I'd end up with another CS too, so the nanny came in useful for those couple of weeks after paternity leave ended and before I was comfortable driving again.

in the end, she came on the Thursday evening, and I went into labour Friday afternoon - couldn't have timed it better!

doing it this way meant proper continuity of care for dd1 - still goign to nursery/tumbletots etc (it was important for her to keep routine as she is ASD), and gave me a hand for those first few weeks after birth too.

was bliss.

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:44

I need to get on the phone, I just keep putting it off...... I would love a home birth, but had such a bad time before, I'm high risk, so not going to fly with the m/w.

OP posts:
668neighbourofthebeast · 18/03/2011 15:45

I posted something very similar a little while ago as I am in the same position. Someone gave me some useful advice - look for a childminder who you could pay a kind of 'retainer' to be on speed dial between the dates you are likely to give birth and who could come and sleep at your house while you are in hospital if needs be. Although an expensive option, it might give you piece of mind and they could meet dc before the event. Another option would be to get a doula to be your birth partner while dp looked after dc (not an option I want if I'm honest).

You could start asking round at playgroups etc, to see if anyone would be willing.

I've just managed to sort out someone who is a childminder who lives on the same street who is willing to drop everything at a moment's notice. Well, here's hoping.

Good luck!

4FoxAche · 18/03/2011 15:45

I would look at Home Birth if it's an option.

If it's the middle of the night your ds can stay sleeping and you can get in the bath and pace around not worrying about him!

We where very lucky in that we just managed by the skin of our teeth to get my brother round on time otherwise I would've been doing it without dp 2nd time around too.

CharlieCoCo · 18/03/2011 15:46

i 2nd what roseflower said.

im a nanny and a few years ago, i did a 6week temp job live in, (but it was temp so a box room was fine-in case you are worried you dont have 'nanny accomodation')where the mum was pregnant for half of it and she had a 3yr old daughter. i helped her with her daughter at the later stage of pregnancy, allowing her to rest and relax a bit more, then when she went into labour (in the middle of the night) her husband took her to hospital and i stayed at home with the other child. when she came home i was still mainly looking after the eldest (because she didnt want a maternity nurse but didnt want her eldest to feel left out if she couldnt give her full attention) but i helped mum with newborn for a couple off weeks, even if it was just taking baby for walk to give mum a break and i gave her a shoulder to cry on when she had 'an emotional' day. obviously i dont know your financial situation, but just giving you an idea if you havent thought if this was possible to do. (in case you think im just saying this to get myself employed im not available:)

FabbyChic · 18/03/2011 15:47

Purely because of this my partner was not at the birth of my second child, didn't bother me nothing I wanted more than to give birth without him there.

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:47

silverfrog, interesting. Did the maternity nanny have the lion's share of care of the new baby though? I will want new baby to sleep with me and be near me most of the time, as I'll be breastfeeding, and trying to do that biological nurturing thing....

OP posts:
diddl · 18/03/2011 15:48

Is there anyone you could have "on standby" if your family are on the way & you need to leave before they get to you?

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:51

Cheers Charlie. I think we will look into this.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 18/03/2011 15:51

no, not really.

she was there to help dd1 through a tricky time (because of the upset of her routine).

as Charlie said - she did do the odd walk in the afternoon, and the settling in the evenings - she had dd2's moses basket in her room, so she took her while I ate my dinner with dh (scoffed it quickly Grin) and if she was sleeping she kept hold of her for a bit. brought her to me as soon as she woke.

I bf too, exclusively.

I did express form the get go (and it worked for me Smile), so after a couple of weeks, nanny did give dd2 the odd bottle of expressed milk while I had a longer evening break.

but the majority of her job was to keep dd1 happy and comfortable, ferry her around to nursery/toddler group/etc (I often went too, but sh edrove, obviously)

basically, she was wonderful and did whatever was needed Grin (including tidying up and cooking meals for dd1 that "just happened" to be edible for adults too!)

silverfrog · 18/03/2011 15:54

oh, meant to say - we managed ot get an evening out together too (me and dh, that is!) on nanny's last weekend with us - thought we woudl seize the chance while she was there, as dd2 was ok taking the expressed milk.

so we went ot a concert at my dss' school, which was really lovely too - an evening of sanity amid all the turbulence (we had just finished building work on the house, dh had been ill, I have horrible pregnancies and had been ill - was lovely to have this one grown up evening, especially since the chance for another wasn't going to hurry along!)

drcrab · 18/03/2011 15:54

If you're high risk, could you not book a planned c-section?
We were in the same situation. We thankfully had friends and neighbours who took my then 2.5 year old son.

I had a planned c-section with DS as I had placenta Praevia. I opted for VBAC for DD and twinges/contractions started on a saturday, we got sent home 2x in the following days as she was born on wednesday. Following DD swallowing meconium and staying in for 5 days, me having a 3-bag blood transfusion, all in all the palavar took about 9 days from contractions to out of hospital with baby.

My point for telling you all that, is that my option for a VBAC was so that I could in theory be outta hospital asap and go get my shopping in the next day (haha - that's what PLENTY of smug 'natural delivery' friends have told me...). Well, it took me 9 days. A friend who's just had a c-section on Monday was home by Wednesday afternoon. Go figure.

so, methinks it's best to get the grandparents involved. Maybe they could take turns to come stay in the run up of your due date??

naturalbaby · 18/03/2011 15:57

i discussed this with my midwife cause i had quick births and she said if all else fails just take the older kids with. i had no complications and was v.low risk though so had home births. discuss it with your midwife and see what she says or suggests. having looked into various options for support during labour i reckoned a doula sounded good but didn't need one in the end.

your body will know when is the best time to give birth and will hopefully surprise you. with ds2 i gave birth in the middle of the night cause i knew ds1 would be asleep and there would be no disruption. with ds3 i really wanted to give birth during the day. things were draggin on and on but the minute the older 2 went to have a nap after lunch labour picked up a gear and baby arrived 1/2hr later.

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 15:58

This is why my third (DD2) was born without my DH there. I was on my own and it broke my heart. I'm chocking back tears just recalling it. For me, it took all the celebration out of it.
We don't have any family at all on either side and we had recently moved so there wasn't much choice. But I had a 4yr old and a 2yr old and he needed to stay with them. Sad Sad

I hope you get something sorted.

drcrab · 18/03/2011 16:00

another thought - if your child goes to nursery, could you ask a couple of her favourite nursery nurses whether they'd do it? I did and received 2 volunteers (well, obviously we would pay) but both said that they'd come asap if we went into labour and the various other support people couldn't make it. They were even willing to take him to nursery and back if I had to have a c-section and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks.

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