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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

275 replies

deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:25

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

OP posts:
Chaotica · 18/03/2011 21:32

Our local nanny agency has no-one on the list within 15 miles. Some places will be much worse. I couldn't even get someone in the day...

pooka · 18/03/2011 21:33

And what if you don't have the money to employ someone? Hmm

Why are you being so unpleasant? Fair enough, disagreeing with someone is fine. But you're responses have been pretty rude.

Chaotica · 18/03/2011 21:34

Quite right - pooka.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 21:34

Perhaps people should consider their lack of support networks before they get PG?

Chaotica · 18/03/2011 21:35

FFS. I haven't seen such a deeply unpleasant post for quite a while.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 21:36

Why is that unpleasant? A little forethought is a marvellous thing!

pooka · 18/03/2011 21:38

Oh that's excellent. I wondered when posting about cost of temporary/emergency childcare whether you would be so predictable as to question getting pregnant in the first place.

Bravo!

Chaotica · 18/03/2011 21:40

A lot can happen in 9 months.

Do you have a crystal ball?

Hatesponge · 18/03/2011 21:40

I can empathise - I have no immediate family (only child, both parents died some years ago). When I had DS2, friends were going to have DS1 but were at work/out when I went into labour, so I gave birth without DS2's dad, who was waiting outside with DS1.

It didn't bother me really as I'd had DS1 on my own as well, so was used to it!

The thing is even if you have friends 'lined up', if they work, or have lives of their own, there's no guarantee that they will be available exactly when needed, babies being unpredictable in their arrival and all that.

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 21:42

So, lets see...I should have denied my DS any siblings because his beloved grandmother had the misfortune to be killed by a drunk driver and we watched his grandfather die of a broken heart within the year. Oh and his other grandmother having the cheek to get cancer at 52! These events just made me extra catious about leaving them as at that point, DS especially was very clingy.

Our circumstances made me even more determined to have at least 2 children if I could just so they'd have some family.

But I guess it all boils down to me being tight.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 21:46

Why are you taking this personally? All my comments were addressed to offend everyone not just you myredcardigan.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 21:49

At 20.16 I used the word 'you' when I should have said 'one' - I meant no personal attack at all on you or the OP. I simply think 9 months is plenty of time to get organised!

Yellowstone · 18/03/2011 21:52

OP I've definitely been in your situation several times for different reasons: geographical (we were abroad with the army for one and two) and otherwise (my mother died just before second to last child was born). Husband was at first birth only (out of eight). With number seven I had to drive myself to hospital an hour away while husband stayed with the children. I was high risk so they refused a home birth. It really honestly isn't a big deal not having someone there - much better than worrying about frantic last minute arrangements for the children and actually quite relaxing. This thing about partners being there rubbing oil in and cutting cords etc. is pretty new. My advice would be to save worry about your eldest and give birth on your own.

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 21:54
Gargleswithjelly · 18/03/2011 21:56

I had an emergency C-section for twins totally on my own and drove myself to hospital in labour with my DC being looked after at home by a childminder.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 21:58

I meant 'one' not 'you' personally - Sorry.

compo · 18/03/2011 21:59

I thnk if you've really got no one you can ask and you don't want to pay someone then it is perfectly fine to give birth on your own
I did with my second, the staff were lovely and dh brought our eldest to meet his new sister not long after
in my mothers day fathers didn't go near birthing units

madamedeluca · 18/03/2011 22:16

If you are really stuck, there may be a play specialist on the children's ward that would look after your child until relatives arrived. We have one at our hospital and she's brilliant and has done that for families. She takes them to the play rooma and just plays. Just a thought.

Jacksmania · 18/03/2011 23:01

Candleshoes - seriously, you are being awful to the OP.
Do you have any friends in RL??
I can't imagine anyone putting up with you face to face Hmm
Time to take off the judgy-pants, I think.

Tangle · 18/03/2011 23:17

princessparty
I would question the accuracy of a MW who said a home breech birth was safer than a CS

That's not what I said. I also don't think this is the place to have a CS vs. VB for breech discussion. I'd be very happy to have one somewhere else if you want to take this further, though :)

Eralc · 19/03/2011 06:43

I know a few other people have said about giving birth on your own, and I just wanted to add that it might not be as awful as you think it would. I gave birth to DS2 a few weeks ago, and we didn't have anyone to look after DS1 when I did so (and no spare cash to hire someone for the job, as well as not wanting to leave him with someone who wasn't very familiar to him at a time that we knew would cause a big upheaval to him). We haven't lived where we live for a huge amount of time, and so I didn't feel that I could ask the people who I know here to have him at short notice, particularly when he was likely to be emotionally challenging. Older friends and family weren't an option (mostly because they live about 10,000 miles away :) )

I have to say that giving birth without DH there was nowhere near as bad as I expected (and as it turned out, I had a very fast labour, so DH and DS just hung around the hospital until DS2 was born, and were both allowed in to cut the cord - I appreciate we were very lucky with this and it might not be allowed at every hospital) - but even if they had gone home and not come in until shortly after, it would have been fine. DH was a bit sad to have missed it, but we both agreed that having a happy DS1 was more valuable to us both - I was much more relaxed knowing that DS was happy with DH.

plopplopquack · 19/03/2011 08:40

I think the people suggesting higher someone are probably right. Get the person to come round a few times to meet dc so that dc feels comfortable with it and then you will feel more relaxed about it as well.

We had the same problem. Only people we could ask was GPs and one of then book a long holiday for when baby was due and the other one just said NO. The one who said no did it in the end but only after making us panic and worry for weeks on end. Think they were doing it deliberately to make us suffer and were being spiteful (but that's a whole diferent story).

Yellowstone · 19/03/2011 09:16

plopploquack. GP's? (I don't always get acronyms on MN but I assume you mean doctors from your surgery?). And spiteful? Sounds very odd.

On the whole people are lovely and generous when a baby is due but ultimately it's the parents' responsibility and tbh the father not being at the birth is not necessary (and sometimes unhelpful)whereas someone to look after the siblings at the drop of a hat is. The least worrying and least sentimental option is to go it alone. This dad-being-at-the-birth stuff is recent, didn't harm relationships in previous generations so why should it now?

Yellowstone · 19/03/2011 09:17

The father BEING at the birth...

sux2bsanta · 19/03/2011 09:56

Hello to you

I can absolutely sympathise. I do not live in the UK and did not want family arguing over who came out nor do they all necessarily cope with DD1 well and DD2 was overdue so flights might not have panned out.
Friends from school in fairness were on standby. In retrospect i should have used one of them.
That's the beauty of hindsight.
As birth of DD1 had scarred DH for life the plan was for him and DD1 to just get me to the clinic then go off and do daddy-daughter time at cinema etc and see me when it was all over.
He could not leave me as my powers of communicating in a second language totally failed me and i thought i was going to die Drama queen much? not really it was just grim.
So DD1 ended up on a chilly hospital corridor outside the clinic being fed the odd apple, biscuit and crisps from passing nurses and she fell asleep about 22.30 on two chairs and no blanket.
Just awful. She is 8 and was amazing in the circumstances. DH checked on her a few times but she had to amuse herself in that time and whenever the door opened she could hear all the lambs mums screaming.
She is going to adopt apparently.
In fairness to the hospital they allowed her to have 2 hours with me and baby in the sideroom before moving to a bed but bless her she was asleep on a stretcher the whole time zonked out and doesn't remember meeting her little sister.
To take from this
children and hospital births do not mix
That said i personally would not do homebirth if high risk as i needed ventouse both times.
Best bet for you is a family member -grit teeth- doing that 5 hour drive near your due date. i know it's not what you want to hear but take it from someone who's been there: dragging your first one in with you is just an extra thing for your DH to worry about (and you even if you're far gone/out of it: i do remember asking about DD1 several times and DH bringing me notes/pictures from her to convince me she was fine). Not good for anyone, especially the medical staff (who were lovely btw and so sympathetic but couldn't suddenly magic up a creche). We all got through but not good. (the most flexible standby had 3 kids and i went from 4-8cm very quickly/they had predicted on arrival it would be half an hour naturally. 4 hours later...)
Make a plan now to follow through from first contraction. I was a fool.

Lots of luck x

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