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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

275 replies

deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:25

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

OP posts:
Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 16:01

DS doesn't do any daycare right now, so tricky.

Silverfox, one q - did you find your (wonderful sounding) nanny yourself or through an agency?

OP posts:
Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 16:03

Sorry to read that, cardigan.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 18/03/2011 16:18

we found her through an agency (so obv more expensive, as agency fees on top)

we interviewed a few, and went with the one who suited us best (ie the one that dd1 voluntarily went ot, shared her biscuits with, and was happy to have a cuddle with)

we used Occasional and Permanent Nannies, or somehting like that (we had a couple of other agencies looking too, but that is where the nanny we used came form)

pearlym · 18/03/2011 16:19

We took DD1, aged 18 months with us and DP kept her in corner of room and kept taking her in and out,till our prearragned friend could get there - it was bizarre and I had to really keep the noise down, friend was child free so did not feel confident anough to take her home so they stayed in hospital - 4 hours later she was able to come into room and see new sister, 5 mons after she was born. I t did however bring it home to me that I had no family to help which was sad

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 16:20

It's ok. Ive just read Edgar's thread on the sudden death of her son and it's made me realise how unimportant it is in the wider scheme of things.

I've been angry and upset about it since she was born 5yrs ago and suddenly feel ok with it. That sounds ridiculous but it's true.

FauxFox · 18/03/2011 16:46

I looked after a 20 mth belonging to an employee of my husband while his wife had their second child. I had children not much older and was happy to do it. They had moved to our area for the job and didn't know many people but as the husbands worked together and I had kids a similar age they trusted me to do it. Is there anyone your DH knows that he could ask?

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 18/03/2011 16:48

DeliaKate - there must be someone you can ask.

I know I would LOVE to be asked to mind a toddler whilst the mum was having a baby.

No one ever has asked though Sad

If you're in Northern Ireland I'll do it Grin

Seriously though, I am sure anyone would be delighted to be asked.

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 16:55

itisnotgoingwelltoday, there isn't always someone to ask.
If you have no family and you've very recently moved 400miles away from friends it can easily be a case of literally having nobody you know well enough.

Original poster
deliakate · 18/03/2011 17:03

I also am not very good at asking for help. That is my own failing and I'm the one who suffers, I know.

Asking one friend to be a MoH was a nightmare, and I've barely spoken to her since, as I felt so embarrassed about doing it. I think I need therapy, but maybe 30 wks preg isn't the best time to start.

OP posts:
CharlieCoCo · 18/03/2011 17:03

you can either go through agencies (i found my one through an agency) you could go through any one but maybe there are some specifically for temp nannies that could help. also, i would advertise on gumtree and nannyjob where we get a lot of nanny jobs from. if you just explain the situation, or maybe have it ongoing temp if you arent sure what exactly you need, youl be surprised at the flexibility you can get:)

ilovedjasondonovan · 18/03/2011 17:03

We were in this position. But fortunately DD2 decided to come in the evening and only took 2 hours. DH was just popping over the elderly neighbours house who were going to pop over and watch DD1 overnight when out DD2 popped at home.

Our plan was for neighbour to house sit if it was an overnighter with DH coming back home from hospital in time for DD1 to wake up with him there if it wasn't all done by then.

Obviously DD2 knew this and made sure none of us had to leave the house.

foreverondiet · 18/03/2011 17:10

You can plan a homebirth? Or your DH will miss the birth. Or you have to pay a babysitter. You will not be able to take him to hospital - we were told that if we did DH would have to look after them outside the delivery room.

I paid a babysitter when I went into hospital to have DS2. Start looking for a babysitter now who is happy to be on standby, and make sure that your DS is happy with them.

If you can't afford a babysitter then yes your DH will miss the birth.

HipHopopotomus · 18/03/2011 17:31

At Queen Charlottes where I am booked in DD can't even come to visit me AFTER baby is born due to 'swine flu' precautions.

Best of luck with sorting out your arrangements. A friend of mine just had DC #2 in 2 hours from start to finish.

Perhaps a local child minder could provide to sort of cover you are looking for? But I guess a babysitter would come to yours which would be less disrputive.

CouldNeverHave3 · 18/03/2011 17:38

We are the same as you. 'Thankfully' DC2 was ELCS so my parenst new when they had to be here - otherwise goodness knows what we would have done

caramellokoalalover · 18/03/2011 17:50

You should be able to find a childminder who is registered to do overnight care who will be willing to go on stand by for you. Benefit being cheaper than hiring a nanny/maternity nurse for several weeks, and you can get to know the childminder beforehand by having a few sessions with them. Contact your local authority and ask for the Family Services team to help you.

I feel for you, I'm in same position with no family close by. DC2 due in 4 weeks and luckily my mum has offered to come from other side of the world to be on stand by. Bless her.

cat64 · 18/03/2011 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PinkIceQueen · 18/03/2011 18:14

I was high risk and still had a home birth. My ds1 slept through the whole labour and when he woke up in the morning he had a new baby brother. I had a lovely clean bathroom and bed to laze in :)

I would give this consideration. Good luck.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 18:20

YABU - you have got months to source a paid babysitter/childminder. Place an advert - do some interviews - have a trial session or two - sorted problem solved!

You are a grown-up so you do not NEED to rely on family and friends for everything....just open your wallet!!!!!

My children have been looked after by babysitters on many occasions including when I was having DD!

Tangle · 18/03/2011 18:25

Sorry - I know the homebirth flag keeps being waved and that you've said you're high risk, but "high risk" is used so variably and is so subjective that a fair number of women defined as "high risk" by NHS Obs consultants have and do plan and have HBs with very good outcomes. Its no-ones business but yours and your HCP's what your risk factors are, but it might be worth having a look around www.homebirth.org.uk/ and seeing whether your risks might be manageable in a home environment.

(DD1 was a planned home breech birth. My GP advised against a HB just because it was my first. For us, the risks of home breech birth with MWs that we knew had appropriate skills were lower than the risks of a CS - but that's how we interpreted the risk/benefits for us and our situation. Its a very personal thing).

Could your neighbours cope for a few hours until your family could get there? If its the middle of the night they just need to dose on your sofa and your DS would know very little about it.

candleshoe · 18/03/2011 18:27

My 'low risk' friend nearly died after her home birth. Just get a babysitter.

amerryscot · 18/03/2011 18:38

I've had five children without any family around. We had loads of people from church on 24/7 standby.

It would have been difficult without local support.

You also have to remember that very few labours are precipitous without any signs. Most people have time to finalise arrangements.

princessparty · 18/03/2011 18:39

I would question the accuracy of a MW who said a home breech birth was safer than a CS

myredcardigan · 18/03/2011 18:39

Babysitter is fine if your children are used to being looked after by someone else. If they've never been in day nursery and never been looked after by anyone else it could be quite traumatic and unsettling for them to potentially wake up to someone they don't know very well.

I've never had anyone babysit mine and tbh, most people I know use either GPs or a trusted nursery nurse which we didn't have. The OP doesn't seem to have those either. My DS was 4yrs when DD2 was born and going through a period of night terrors. He would hav ebeen hysterical to wake up to a virtual stranger.
When neither of you have sibling or any living parents it is harder than most people think.

Asinine · 18/03/2011 18:44

I had my neighbours kids overnight while she had a home birth. I was pleased to be asked and we got to see the baby almost straight away. I had only known her for a year. Whoever you find will need to know your DD before the birth. There will also be emergency foster carers, CRB screened in your area who are used to having kids for short spells with no notice. One of my friends does this, and i'm sure she would do it as a private arrangement if asked. Why not ask the HV who they are? If you start asking, someone will help.

SummerRain · 18/03/2011 18:45

My mother lived 2 hours away when ds1 was born and got there with plenty of time. If I'd rung here at the first twinge she would have been there for 12 hours before I even felt the need to go into hospital. As it was she arrived just before dd's dinner and was there when i settled dd to sleep at which point we left for the hospital.

Would your family be willing to be on standby or is it just you who feels the 5 hours distance is too much? Have you asked them?