to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

[deliakate]

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

If you go in alone with no-one to speak for you and it happens to be a very busy day on the ward, there's a high chance you'll be treated like shit badly. As Meredith hinted.

I think my story showed that it's not just a case of having a crap relationship with your family.
Some of us have no family at all.

It broke my heart to give birth on my own without my DH and I've been carrying it around for years. But I had 2 other children under 5 so no real choice. Though according to some posters on here, I should have thought about that before having kids.

I'll probably end up going it alone as we live with my mum who has mobility problems and can't look after DS (3) on her own and DH's parents are in their 80s. Depending on the time I go into labour DH may have to take me to hospital with DS in the car, drop me off and take DS home and stay with him.
Hoping I can sort out a friend to be there maybe so it's not just me and the midwives but not easy as most have kids of their own or are pg for the first time and I don't want to scare the holy crap out of them
I'm not too gutted surprisingly, will just have to get on with it. There are worse things in life. DH wasn't present (altho he was outside in the corridor) for the birth of DS as we live abroad in a country where no partners are allowed for CS or instrumental deliveries, DS was a ventouse birth.
Hope you can sort something out.

I sympathise hugely.

When expecting DC2 I asked my Mum if she would be able to come over to look after DC1 (he has severe allergies so I didn't feel able to put him with a stranger) and she said "No. DH will have to miss the birth. Men didn't come in to see their babies born in my day." Well, thanks.

I'd had an EMCS with DC1, and TBH I wanted an elective section with DC2 anyway, but her refusal meant - I felt - that I HAD to have one, because the only other person available was my sister who had to book the day off work. But as I say, I wanted the section anyway...

My advice would be to explore the "elderly neighbours willing to have him but not to sleep" aspect. Does it really matter if he is there but doesn't sleep? Or are they the sort of people who would start chuntering if he wasn't removed by their bedtime?

We had all sorts of people on standby to look after ds when I was pg with dd (she was due around Christmas so the list was long due ot lots of poeple being away at different times!) some of them didn't know ds all that well but nobody refused, if you can manage to get up the courage ot ask people you may well be surprised. I know you said your family are 5 hours away but if you called them as soon as you know labour has begun then even if they don't get there on time it means that your ds could go to a neighbour/friend and be picke dup by his gandparents when they do arrive. That was our plan in case things went wrong :). As it was I had a HB and ds slept through it all

Just read your previous posts. Genuinely sorry to hear about untimely deaths in your family but my mum died a pretty grim death just before my seventh was born. I still drove myself the 50 miles to hospital at the dead of night and went it alone - plenty of people face far worse challenges, worth remembering that.

Home birth idea is all very fine (I had one and would recommend) but you would still need someone v. nearby on standby in case of emergency, so that doesn't really get round the problem.

Also I had two instances where contractions started in the days/week before actual birth and I sent first son off to Nursery as I though it was the big day.

"plenty of people face far worse challenges, worth remembering that." Oh, ffs. Of course they do. So let's shut down Mn, because no-one should ever feel crap about stuff that someone else thinks is a bit minor. jesus.

FFS, I wasn't thinking you were a callous bitch until you basically told me to get over the fact that some drunken bastard decided to drive onto the pavement and kill my lovely mother when she had so much to live for.

And I don't think it's too unusual to be upset at having to give birth on my own without any emotional support. Women post on here about the physical and psychological scares of childbirth all the time. They can be very real and very traumatic.
Most women are very grateful for the support of their husbands during childbirth. It upset me to do it alone and it upset him not to be there for the birth of his 3rd child when he had found the birth of the older two such a special bonding experience.

Myredcardigan let me take over and they can have a pop at me. So sorry to hear about your mum btw.

I elected for a c-section for the birth of ds because we live an 8hr drive from friends and family. Yes I had some friends in my village at the time but no-one that dd would have felt comfortable going to stay with or being looked after. We all got up at 6 in the morning, went to the hospital for 7, dh drove dd back to school, came back to hospital, I had ds by 10.30. DH went back to collect dd from school at 3pm so she could meet her new brother. I developed a spinal headache and dh ended up with 2 weeks paternity to look after ds, dd and me.

My dd will be 13 this year and my ds 8, apart from maybe an odd day thing, they have never been babysat apart from grandparents when they come down to visit,we have lived here for 11 years.

There you have it.

It's not ideal, IME. If I could have had someone there, I would have. But there was no one. We lived way out in the sticks in a retirement area and I didn't know anyone close enough, couldn't afford a doula or to pay for childcare (DS was born at 4.11AM), my family lives abroad and DH's were a long 90-miles away (longer at night with no ferries on) and in poor health.

You know, I let DD1 and DS be taken care of by a flaky teenage girl I didn't know very well for a few hours -- she was 13 at the time, and they have absolutely no recollection of their experience. I know from talking with the girl afterwards that they played with chalk (hopscotch) in the courtyard of the apartment building we lived in at the time for a few hours, and that she had taken them in for potty breaks twice, given them a snack, and that they had watched a little Saturday morning tv when they became bored outside.

They didn't really know this girl and they hadn't had more than two experiences of babysitters up to then, but it worked out fine -- and at the time it all happened I sincerely wasn't worried at all because my attention was completely focused on the birth of DD2. I didn't even think about DD1 and DS until a good two hours after DD2 was born. Sometimes good enough is really good enough and everyone survives an experience that looks dicey on the surface.

I would ask the elderly neighbours if they would mind being on call -- if it's evening then your DC would probably fall asleep on a blanket on the floor and never remember a thing. If it's nighttime up to 11 o'clock maybe one of the neighbours could come over and sleep at your house if the DC was in bed. After 11, maybe you could hold on until 7 or so. If it happens during the day, maybe you could send over a few dvds, snacks, etc and try not to leave for the hospital until things are well under way.

Posted crossly, which I shouldn't, but really, to dismiss someone's feelings as pathetic and seriously lame, esp on an internet forum where you really have no idea of the back story, is just crass and unfeeling, and benefits no-one. Maybe it isn't helping myred to carry around these feelings, and maybe it would help her to find a way to deal with it. That's quite possibly true - but belittling her, calling her pathetic and lame is not going to help, and it's cruel. Think it all you like, but what on earth do you gain by posting it?

And yes, people do get stressed about things I wouldn't, and some days, when I'm feeling uncharitable, I do have "ffs" thoughts about posts on here. But why the hell should I express those thoughts to total strangers? Would it make anyone feel better? Would it make me look good? No. So I think it and move on.

Except for now, obviously. But I'm hoping that posting this will at least make people like myred feel a wee bit better.

Well perhaps I'm coming at it from a different angle which is that OP may need to feel that giving birth without DH is not the be-all and end-all. It's very negative for OP to hear someone saying that they're 'choking back tears' thinking about having given birth without their DH present. Not helpful at all.

Clearly there are plenty of women who've given birth 'alone' (myself included) and might perhaps have preferred a husband around but got on with it alone for purely practical reasons.

Nothing unpleasant about that. Admittedly my views may also be coloured by the fact of watching tiny babies die in the ICU one of mine was in: it gave me a sense of proportion about the whole birthing process. They may also be coloured by the fact that the army at the time my first children were born were not overly hung up on the importance of DH's being present at the birth.

Also, why do people resort to imputing words which have never been used. I did not anywhere call myredcardigan 'pathetic' and you're right, it does sound as though she needs help from a counsellor because it must be very unusual to be so emotional still so long after a birth just because a DH couldn't be there. Different issue though, for the moment OP needs reassurance that she will survive just fine if she has to go to hospital alone, really.

I'm a midwife and I have looked after quite a few women in labour where their children are present as their child care options have failed them last miniute. Initially I though that it wasn't a good idea but I have found it to actually be rather lovely. It really depends what kind of peron you are in labour - were you a the quiet labourer or more of a 'shouter' (like me!). Obviously you need to be the former type if your older children are present. Your family who live 5 hours away - could they collect your dc from the hospital. Phone them at the first twinge.

Have a chat with your midwife - hopefully she would be as mellow as me! I really can't see a problem in having a sleeping child in a buggy or even a toddler running around (as long as they were happy) whilst I delivered someone. If things started to become complicated or your dc became scared then obviously your partner would have to take them out of the situation - so you would have to be prepared for this. In my experience children are pretty unfazed by the delivery of their siblings. I had a beautiful delivery about 4 years ago with a 3 year old sibling present and she rubbed her mums back during labour and following birth kept shouting excitedly 'Mum, mum - LOOK. LOOK - it's our baby!!!!' It's one of my fondest deliveries. You might find that the Midwifery led units are more relaxed about these things than the high risk consultant units.

Just a thought, but I am a super mellow midwife in a very mellow hospital!

Reesie that arrangement does sound good. I thought the idea of a young child in a delivery room was seriously bad but maybe that's because things have tended to go very wrong with me four times out of eight and sometimes quite suddenly.

I don't really disagree with anything you've said in your most recent post, and I apologise for misascribing the word pathetic - what you said was, in fact "so wet" - much of a muchness, really. And yes, sometimes it can't be helped. But my tiny dd1 dying did actually make me want DH there more when the others were born, so I guess different people react differently.

Thanks for coming back to me, though, and I apologise for being a bit terse.

Reading back, I still sound terse. Am tired, sorry.

I wasn't going to come back to this but I just wanted to add a couple of things.

Firstly, I had recently lost my father and just a year earlier had lost my mother under awful circumstances so I was not in the best place emotionally to begin with. We had also just moved house, yet again. A lot of the upset stemmed from knowing that my parents who had so cherished my first two, would not see my third even though just a year previously they had both been fit and healthy. I went into the labour room feeling sad and alone because I felt my life had been turned upside down in the last year and when added to the trauma and emotion of childbirth it was simply too much for me. So I'm sorry if that's too wet for you. But it's not a competition to see who can bear the most sorrow in life.

The other thing I wanted to mention which you didn't bother to pick up from my posts was that on Friday, I posted this,

Families, sorry.

Oh and it's important the OP hears stories from all sides not just told it will all be fine.

myredcardigan Hi, I went through a similar situation to yours and it was the most traumatic thing ever! I can't belive yellowstone called you "wet" and "lame"! Shocking. I lost my parents days before I gave birth to my first and I honestly think that I will never get over it. It was the most traumatic and confusing (emotionally) thing that has ever happened to me! I NEEDED my DH with me at my births as I was in such a state. Anyone who doesn't understand that isn't worth even a second of your thought and attention.

plopplopquack please bother to read posts before you slag people off. I did not call myredcardigan wet or lame so no need to be shocked.

I also had an identical situation, though in my case it was with my seventh. My mum was 'scheduled' by the hospice to die on my due date. In fact she died and the baby was late. Of course I could have used support, it just wasn't possible.

Habbibu it's completely fine. I can see how you might have interpreted my posts as being negative towards myredcardigan rather than trying to buoy up OP.

No doubt my own experience with my first child has made me focus overwhelmingly on the outcome. I totally get the special fear you must have had with your subsequent births. For what it's worth I did not and would not call anyone wet, what I did say was wet was the idea that choirs of angels should sing in the delivery room when often things can't be perfect and any regrets should be wiped out by relief at having a normal healthy baby.

I didn't read the whole thread I admit, so I'm as culpable as plopploquack: myredcardigan I didn't see that you said you now had perspective, that's good.