to find my MIL's and others' hatred of irrational private education unfathomable?

[jillyherbert]

I have an otherwise reasonable and supportive MIL. However, when it comes to the subject of private education she is unable to have a reasonable discussion about it. When talking about our (as yet unconfirmed) plans to go private with our twin DSs phrases such as:
"Over my dead body"
"You'll ruin them"
"I won't have my grandsons turned into sneering toffs"
"I won't speak to you if you do this"
seem to be par for the course.

Where does this vitriolic bias come from? Neither I nor DH were privately educated, but most of the state schools within a large radius are shockingly bad (I teach at one, and have taught at two others so have enough knowledge to make a balanced decision.)

The same prejudice against private education is rife in my profession too. I once mentioned to a colleague that I was considering going private and the fuss this caused (and is still causing) almost lost me a friend or two.

I'm not here to discuss the merits of one system or the other, just why the debate seems to be framed by an irrational hatred of private education.

I think many people believe that because private education can only be afforded by the relatively wealthy that it can be socially devisive.

There are parents and PIL like this on both sides of the fence.

My mother genuinely believes my DD will be bullied and excluded at any state school in the entire country - just because they are state. And cried when I said we weren't doing private schools.

I think it comes from a thing called ignorance!! That and fear of the unknown!

It's reverse snobbery and an example of a massive chip-on-the-shoulder attitude.

Yes, life's unfair and money can buy a good education.

Nice that she cares passionately about your boys' futures, but she's taking too much on herself with this one.

IIWY,I'd get her used to the idea early, and make it clear it's not her decision to make.

I don't suppose for a minute she'll carry out any of her daft threats - she just needs time to get used to the idea, and to get her own place in the decision-making hierarchy clear in her head!

See. Both sides are crazy. I suppose it is to do with justifying your choices.

They're your children, just do whatever you want.

People have lots of ideas of what indpendant schools are like, and who goes to them. These may be correct for some schools but not all of them by any means.

For me, the deal breaker was that ds's school covers 8-6 as standard, with holiday clubs every holiday. As a family where both dh and I work, ensuring that ds could do lots of activities after school and have consistent care was important. All the other stuff at the school is a bonus - but I haven't met a toff, and its more diverse than the local state schools

clitorisorclitoraint - I understand that people might think that way but I feel that, if you can decide what to spend your money on in all other areas of life without censure, why should education be excluded. We will, if we decide to go ahead with private education, become extremely poor. We'll need to downgrade our already small house, forego holidays and treats and going out, never replace our already ageing car and generally turn our lives upside down, for the rest of our lives. Having seen the results, close up, of the poor state schools in our area (we can't move far) I would never want to visit that on my children. Trying to eradicate social division is like trying to stop the tide - societies are always divided into strata. It's the hatred in the discussion that I find remarkable and cannot understand.

Yep, Inverted snobbery.

I would put my kids into private school like a shot if I could ever afford it, but I can't and doubt I ever will. I certainly dot resent those that can afford to though. A wise way to spend their money IMO.

i don't see why it's 'reverse' snobbery to care that all children should get a good equal start in life rather than those with the £££

Ok, jealously then?

Oh lord! Don't you really?

You should do what you think best for your children. Everyone should. That doesn't mean that principled objections to inequalities in the education system are unfathomable.

Many people would rather that others out their efforts into fighting for high education got all as opposed to putting their efforts into getting their own children the best at the expense of others. It makes me deeply uncomfortable that some parents can buy orivilexge for their children when others have to go to the very 'sink' schools they are avoiding. I also understand that as a parent you will do anything to get the best for your child. I am sure many private school parents would prefer a good local state school and feel they have no choice. The assumption of some that private always equals better I'd bound to upset those of us who have no choice. It is also wrong. Not suggesting this is your view op but is that if some.

Southeastastra, it's reverse snobbery because it's looking down on people who go to a private school. I did and don't tend to admit to it until I know someone quite well because you're often written off as a snob before someone's got to know you.

Maybe "normal" people like myself who keep quiet help to perpetuate the myth you have to be rich and stuck-up to go (my parents income was such that my older siblings could have free school meals). I was lucky and got a bursary. However I have learnt to keep quiet after comments such as "but I thought you'd be all la-di-da and stuck up" have been said and considered to be a compliment.

Never mention to work colleagues that your children go to a private school, as I have found that there is an irrational irritated reaction from those who don't, which I can only put down to envy of some degree.

Strangely though, when ds1 did not get into preferred state primary school and I expressed my disappointment everyone was tea and sympathy. When someone recently asked me about ds1 and I said we had changed schools, I got a smirk and the news went round the office like wild fire.

My sister who is a psychologist says, it is to do with the culture of shared experiences and that people are happy/comfortable when everyone else is the same and anything outside the norm is viewed with suspicion.

Send your dc to the school that your dc's will be happy and productive at. Their grandmother will still love them no matter what and if she doesn't whose loss is that.

Once she understands that they will not turn into 'sneering toffs' she will come around.

At ds1's school they have grandparent days, class assemblies and lots of other days for visting that she will be able attend and see for herself what sort school it is. Do'nt be put off by others views we did

I think what upsets people about it is that it makes them feel as though when you opt to pay for private school rather than send your child to the state school they are sending their child to, you are insulting their choice - it's obviously not good enough for you - and they feel shit that they can't afford to choose not to and their kid has to just lump it and do their best. From that side of the fence, it feels unfair and a bit personal. That's why you get the irrational hatred of private schools themselves - not because of inverse snobbery but because you've hurt their feelings without meaning to and it's too sticky a subject to broach frankly in daily chit chat.

I do appreciate that they are your kids and you have that option though, and your mother should pretty much lump it herself rather than cut off from her family over her political views on education...

sorry, that should read we did not.

It really makes me guffaw when people can only imagine that others dislike private education due to jealousy. I mean, really.

Lets hope whatever private school you choose manages to educate your children to a level where they are able to take on board some of the well-known and, actually, fairly easy to understand objections to private education. It can't be that difficult. I understand them and I went to a state comprehensive .

I was privately educated and am very normal.

I can understand others' ideologies absolutely, doesn't mean I share them past a general sympathy. If I ever found myself in the situation that the best for dd (and future children obviously) was to go to private school then we would do what it took to make it happen.

Bibity, guffaw all you like but the truth is that the easy to understand objections boil down to " I want for my kids what you've got for your kids but I can't or won't pay extra for it."

YANBU. It might be inverted snobbery, it might be bleeding-heart-liberalism, it might be jealousy, it might be insecurity, it might be plain bloody stupidity but there are lots of people like your MIL out there.

If a relative ever said "Over my dead body" about any (unharmful) decision I made about my children they would be shown the door PDQ. How the hell you've kept your temper I just do not know. I'd be livid with the remarks you've received.

I came back on to add what Valhalla has just said too...

Shakirasma

That is total bollocks.
Some people object to the idea of independent schools as a matter of their sense of fairness and their win morality.

And I say that as someone who has two children privately educated.

When you sneer about it just being jealousy you make the rest of us look thick.