to find my MIL's and others' hatred of irrational private education unfathomable?

[jillyherbert]

I have an otherwise reasonable and supportive MIL. However, when it comes to the subject of private education she is unable to have a reasonable discussion about it. When talking about our (as yet unconfirmed) plans to go private with our twin DSs phrases such as:
"Over my dead body"
"You'll ruin them"
"I won't have my grandsons turned into sneering toffs"
"I won't speak to you if you do this"
seem to be par for the course.

Where does this vitriolic bias come from? Neither I nor DH were privately educated, but most of the state schools within a large radius are shockingly bad (I teach at one, and have taught at two others so have enough knowledge to make a balanced decision.)

The same prejudice against private education is rife in my profession too. I once mentioned to a colleague that I was considering going private and the fuss this caused (and is still causing) almost lost me a friend or two.

I'm not here to discuss the merits of one system or the other, just why the debate seems to be framed by an irrational hatred of private education.

I was very surprised at the irrational vitriolic bias of privately educated students towards state school students at university.

I think it's all rather silly and pointless but I can easily see how such opinions arise.

One system is only available to a few who believe that their education is superior and so it can be an easy jump to assume those people are superior in some respect. One system can sometimes have a large contingent of badly behaved children for all sorts of reasons so learning can be difficult.

It's easy to see why one side would despise the other, no?

what you really don't want is to send your twins to private school for their grandmother spewing bile into their ears about private education

you need to tell her straight what you are choosing to do and tell her that if you hear any negative comments about your choice in earshot of the twins you will have to have a conversation with them about her bigotry. And limit contact if it continues

pagwatch are you comparing an excellent education to a belt?

I know which I think is the more valuable

Limit contact. How sad and completely unnecessary.

MrsH75.

I think your comments about self-made people are very bizarre. DP and I come from areas that would probably make your hair curl. I don't believe we were any more intelligent than a lot of people in our state comps but we worked really hard to get very good grades and went on to enjoy well paid, fulfilling and worthwhile jobs.

I really resent you telling me how luckyy we've been and then making statements about how we should spend our money.
Don't you realise how arrogant you sound?

I think someone above mentioned that they were 'deeply uncomfortable, and if I'm honest that's where I sit too. I suppose I sort of believe in a meritocracy and I can't make the idea of private education sit within that. I think as far as is possible (and I realise this is an almost impossible to achieve ideal), kids should be given an equal starting point. For the record, I also think grammars are a dreadful idea too, and for similar reasons.

I'm also a little confused as to why a private education equals a better education? I'm not sure it always does, does it? I do think that private education can provide a sort of steel core of self-belief and self-worth which I guess could come from a loose sense of being different/part of an elite. Basically I'm talking about the David Cameron/Tony Blair type. But that might be my ignorance about private education.

Ultimately, I want the best for my kids and that means state for me because i want them to feel part of their community, not protected from it. If that's me being an idealist and unrealistic, then so be it. No doubt it'll come back and bite me on the arse at some point. I can't get past the fact that I had a very positive comprehensive education, got very good exam results, and a degree from a Russell Group education. And before anyone suggests that I went to a particularly outstanding school, it wasn't. It doesn't have a wonderful reputation, and I was an ordinary kid. But I was well taught and I happen to think that educating a child is about more than the institution they attend.

Having said all that, YANBU. They're your kids and this is your decision. Tell'em to sod off.

Russell Group Uni, not education! Sleep deprivation!

Joni, her point was that many, many people work very hard and will never be able to afford private education. That does not mean that they haven't worked as hard as those who can, or that their children are less worthy. Refusing to acknowledge that others may work just as hard, if not harder than you but not have the same success is horribly ignorant.

Some private education is, that is for sure. Not all though, it just buys access to a 'better class' of peer! (Slightly tongue in cheek obviously, have already stated my position on private ed.)

No not comparing education to a belt. That would be daft.
Comparing situations in which people offer non arguments.

I have a child in state school. I have never heard a parent who expressed a dislike of private schools then suggest it was because of jealousy. Never

sorry pag I forgot the smiley. was joking

Where did I say that I refuse to acknowledge that other people have worked as hard as me?

What I actually said was that I've come from fuck all, and so has DP. We have worked hard to get out of towns absolutely reeking of poverty. Now that we are OK financially, why shouldn't we spend our money how we choose.

Saying I've worked hard doesn't mean others haven't. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I know. A belt at least helps keep your arse covered.

You are not allowed smileys once the private vs state breaks out......

you can also use the belt to strangle people who question your educational decisions

multipurpose really

(should I admit that despite 4 kids and 10 years of educating them I have never once even considered going to look at a state school? No? You're probably right)

No, don't do that freshmint.

It might make you look very silly.

Why would you admit it? I'm not sure what your point is.

he he he
arose out of joni saying "I came from fuck all and so has dp". I wondered what relevance that was and whether I should say "I came from money and so has dh and nobody in our families has been state educated since records began"

It's all irrelevant isn't it. Do what you have to do and let everyone get on with their own lives I reckon.

I believe profoundly in state education. My DCs go to moderately rubbish state schools. However, they are flourishing. They have a broad spectrum of friends and a good understanding of their community. I am quite confidant that my DCs have the ability to make the most of whatever opportunities come their way.

We applied this principal both here and abroad when my employer would have picked up the tab for a private international school if we had wanted that.

If we had wanted to privately educate our DCs the both DH and I would have had to work full time. There would have been no holidays. On the whole I dont think my DCs have missed out.

Possibly it would have been different if we lived in a community where private education was normal. I just dont know.

What I did see when we were abroad where the only private schools were international was that the schools did appear to benefit organisationall and financially from a high percentage of interested, involved parents.

Technically it's not "reverse" snobbery, as the term 'snob' was coined to refer to those not from the upper classes ('sin nobilitate', or 's.nob' for short).

Besides, IMO there's no such thing as snobbery in reverse. I believe I am of equal value and status to all my compatriots, so if they can look 'down' on on me, I can do the same to them. Snobbery works both ways.

To answer the OP, I'm sure people take this sort of view for myriad reasons. In the OP's MIL's case I'm willing to bet she's trying to hide her own insecurities about her status and what she perceives as the status of her family.

My point was in direct response to a poster who said anybody who could send their child to a private school had been money-orientated and lucky at some point in their lives.

Having had the experiences DP and I have had, to be honest, I don't feel as if we've been particularly blessed. It's been a hard slog most of the time.

I had no idea your post was in some way a dig at me. I hope this clarifies things for you

That was to freshmint btw.

OP - send your DC to a school that is right for them.

Amongst our group of friends, I am the only one who has kids at private primary. One friend is particularly judgy and the the others don't care. I ignore the negative comments and never discuss the issue in great detail.