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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

busy,annoyed sahm

418 replies

lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:08

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/03/2011 00:14

I'm a SAHM with kids at school and one at work.

I have loads of time on my hands to the extent where I do voluntary work.

I can only talk about my personal experience but having a washing machine and all the other gadgets like a hoover (my mum swept the carpet with a broom) internet shopping, deep freezer (means no daily meat shopping) and all the other mod cons that I can't even think of now...I do have quite a bit of spare time on my hands.

I do like to cook though so that keeps me fairly busy but nowhere near enough to not need to volunteer too.

Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:15

sorry for rant as way past my bedtime,but cried to myself in car on way home as felt so frustrated and undervalued.Must add,husband values me.Just felt like jumping off a cliff and perhaps people would then realise what I did!

OP posts:
cloudydays · 07/03/2011 00:16

But did he mean it in a snide way, or was he just making conversation? Since you say he's nice, I'd imagine that he wasn't trying to devalue your role as a SAHM.

To be honest, having coffee, catching up on emails or post, gardening, doing a clear-out, and decorating the house all sound like pretty nice ways to spend some spare time. And of course the dogs need to be walked, but spending an hour a day doing it sounds pretty leisurely and enviable to me.

I think you sound unneccesarily defensive. Someone doesn't have to think you have a bad deal in order to value your role. It sounds like a pretty good gig to me, and more power to you.

worraliberty · 07/03/2011 00:17

Blimey I wouldn't go that far. Would your husband want to jump off a cliff if one of his mates didn't think his job was of particular value?

Some perspective is needed here. As long as you and your family are happy, who gives a shiny shite?

macdoodle · 07/03/2011 00:17

Sorry YABU, sounds like you have plenty of free time!

Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:20

Worraliberty,I don't know how u do it.Do u have dogs and husband to feed aswell.My kids also do activities every day and have friends back,just find there is always stuff to do.I have 3 children.Just looked at washing,already 3 loads waiting to do tomorrow.Do u get help with housework,cooking.I do it all.

OP posts:
cantspel · 07/03/2011 00:20

I have 2 school aged children and 2 disabled parents plus work 3 evenings a week and still manage to catch the odd hours sleep during the day.
The days of having to beat our clothes clean down the local river are long gone than god.

Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:21

When exactly do i have free time?

OP posts:
cantspel · 07/03/2011 00:22

walk the dog when you take the children to school and that will save you an hour for a start.

pebbles1972 · 07/03/2011 00:22

tbf with school aged children I can understand the 'what do you do all day' comment, though I don't agree with it. As long as you support your kids financially and it's not the tax payer picking up the tab then it's no-ones business but your own what you do. :o

Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:23

U must have help to be able to work 3 evenings a week.My husband works late,and children 9,10 and 11 aren't usually in bed til gone 9.30.

OP posts:
llareggub · 07/03/2011 00:24

I don't want to get drawn into a debate but I do all the things you describe and work too. Don't take it personally. If you are happy with your life, then that is great.

Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:24

It would take me 40 minutes to walk dogs to school and back.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:25

llareggub,are u saying u don't get any help with anything.;then I take my hat off to u.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:28

I have a nutter terrier dog,if he doesn't get walked for hour a day;he's a real live wire,he just won't calm down

OP posts:
llareggub · 07/03/2011 00:28

Help with what, exactly? My husband and I what needs to be done around the house. We do what needs to be done with the children. I guess we don't have a dog, but I do run 5 times a week or so.

worraliberty · 07/03/2011 00:29

My Mum was a SAHM to 5 of us and she really didn't have spare time on her hands like many women 'back in the day' (feels old now lol)

She had us during the late 50's through to 60's (I was born 1969) and back then...

Women very rarely drove cars (she didn't)
No big supermarkets
No convenience food so everything was home made
She had no hoover so swept the house from top to bottom.
No dishwashers
No microwaves
Fruit and veg, meat, clothes, household cleaners, bread..lots of things were all sold in seperate shops so housewives had to queue seperatley in each one.
No deep freezers.
Not even an electric whisk
No internet shopping
No internet banking
No washing machines though she eventually got an old top loader with seperate spinner.

That's how it was for her anyway (maybe different for others during those times) so she really didn't have much spare time on her hands compared to me anyway.

cantspel · 07/03/2011 00:31

my husband leaves the house about 7am and gets in around 5pm. I start work at 7 pm and finish at 11.
I get kids up and drop one at school bus then take the other to the train station and home by 8.15. During the day i will sort out my home stuff and my parents. They are housebound unless i take them somewhere usually my mums ms appts on a tuesday and dads hospital appts of around 2 a month. i sort out their perscriptions once a week and pick up 3 days later.
i try to get in by the time my boys are due home and then leave again for my parents to get them showered and fed before i start work. On one day i dont work i have to take youngest to his footie training and on the other i pick him up from the gym. Saturday more training, sunday game. In between i shop for us all and cook, wash and iron and do all the other jobs it takes to run a home but times 2.

Firawla · 07/03/2011 00:33

tbh it does not really sound like that much because everyone has to do housework, laundry, shopping, cooking and all those things whether or not they work, or if they have young preschool kids at home to occupy their time during the day. so I would have thought you would get a bit of time to yourself? i hope so really because I will be looking forward to a little bit of time to relax once all mine are in school!
but if you feel they are looking down on you for not working then yanbu that is not right of anyone cos your value and worth does not have to be linked to a job or earnings but i think yabu to feel you are extremely busy and not able to have any time to yourself going by what you have said in the OP.

worraliberty · 07/03/2011 00:34

Worraliberty,I don't know how u do it.Do u have dogs and husband to feed aswell.My kids also do activities every day and have friends back,just find there is always stuff to do.I have 3 children.Just looked at washing,already 3 loads waiting to do tomorrow.Do u get help with housework,cooking.I do it all

I have a husband who works 3 seperate shift patterns..days/lates/nights. I have 3 kids though the eldest is 19 (still has friends round) I don't really need help with housework..though perhaps I'm not as fussy as some, I don't know?

My husband cooks on a weekend usually because he enjoys it and we're both crap at gardening lol..but do cut the lawn when one of us can be arsed.

I have about 3 loads of washing to do tomorrow too, but let's be honest..we only have to bung them in a machine that washes them for us.

I have a nutty Jack Russell Terrier lol but he only gets walked twice a day.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 07/03/2011 00:34

I think YAprobablyBU, I mean checking emails, walking the dog and gardening are exactly what I do with my spare time.

As long you and your family are happy that's all that counts really, but I wouldn't go expecting sympathy as it all sounds rather nice Smile.

Hatesponge · 07/03/2011 00:35

Agree it's not really anyone's business but your own, however I think as your children are at school, you are going to encounter this sort of comment a lot. I can't think of any parents of school aged children I know who do not do 'something' outside the home, whether it be PT paid work, weekend jobs, volunteering in some capacity, or caring for elderly/sick relatives. It's because it is unusual that people will comment.

The reality is that tasks expand to fill the time available (a phrase I coined in a presentation recently!). If you were at work all day, you would have to do the jobs you now spread out during the day either first or last thing, or at weekends. Lots of parents work FT and - particularly if like me they are LPs - have to do everything at home as well. It's not impossible.

cantspel · 07/03/2011 00:38

I love gardening and i do it to relax so i dont really see it as a chore that needs doing.
I dont have a dog nor would i ever want one as i am a not a doggy person but if i was i wouldn't get one as i dont have the time that it would need.

NotaMopsa · 07/03/2011 00:40

op do you have a big house - some houses can not be cleaned in an hour

worraliberty · 07/03/2011 00:42

I think an 'average' 3 bed semi can been cleaned in about an hour as long as it's an hour every day. But people do have different standards and different speeds of working I suppose.