busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

do pipe down math nothing to see here.just your anticipation hope of some aggro

You are missing the obvious point that you have kids in school so term time have lots of spare time

you're mad if you think anyone will you believe you haven't

it's a good thing and you're lucky - revel in it, stop playing poor me

I'd be wondering what OP does all day too, but perhaps her massive house and ponies are exhausting!

I am a SAHM, and I don't feel guilty. I bake cakes as a 'business' but its pretty laid back. When I first gave up work (well paid job so no-one could understand it) I felt pressured to do everything and always have a spotlessly clean and tidy house, with freshly washed and ironed clothes for all. Then I got over it. My DH works hard, but finishes at 5.30 - my hours are more 'flexible' I often work till late at night, but equally often I do nothing but potter about all day pleasing myself. It's great. However, until you reconcile it in your own head, it is easy to be caught out by the 'what do you do' question (usually accompanied by a puzzled expression) and feel the need to justify every minute of the day. I completely agree with Chandon. Smile sweetly and say 'anything I like'.

I had free time when I was a SAHM. I also had a cleaner.

If someone asked me what I did with my time then I told them - gardening (have huge veg and flower garden that needs a lot of work) reading, cooking, some cleaning and washing, seeing friends. It was fabulous.

I think the key thing is that I didn't feel I had to justify my choice, I felt incredibly lucky that I was able to do it. My children were not in school though, but I was just waiting for the moment so that I could get down to some serious gardening. I agree with whoever said that the OP sounds as if SHE isn't happy with everything and that is why she feels unappreciated.

As for working just because it is morally wrong not too - what rubbish. If there is enough money coming in, and DH didn't mind being the sole earner, then there is not a problem IMVHO.

I'm with Cackeybaker, although we don't have pots of cash so i do work part time, i'm always envious of people who's partners earn enough that they can be true SAHMs.
Don't feel you have to justify your "role", it's no one elses bloody business and their only jealous anyway.
Enjoy your situation and use the "anything I like" line as often as possible.

even locating the washing doesnt take long. ive done 3 loads today and had to locate stuff and sort it

I think it's really valuable that you do chores during the day so you can support and spend quality time with the kids in the evening/late afternoon.

Both DH and i have enjoyable good jobs (me part time) but we both place the highest value on family life. We work to live not live to work and home life comes first.

yeah right because housework finishes doesn't it?

Sounds like you've got plenty of time. Don't plenty of people do all of that AND work?

You must have a fair bit of spare time. I am on my own with 2 kids, work 3 days a week and do the school runs etc - I am the only one to do the washing/cleaning/cooking (they're 4 and 3) yet I still get a lot of free time to myself - primarily after 7pm granted, but its still free time. Plus an extra couple of hours on days when DS2 can be entertained with cbeebies and DS1 is at school!

Whats the problem with saying you have some free time?? Why would that upset you? My sister is a housewife, no kids. They can afford it, she does voluntary work, meets friend for lunch, veg patch, chickens etc and loves it and I am happy she is happy with her life.

I have 4 kids and work full time and doing post grad and I am happy with my life.

We are all different aren't we. Whats the problem?

You spend an hour a day ordering stuff off the internet for your children's activities?

Its a wind up

OK. I only read OP and first page - ish. I REALLY AM ENVIOUS of SAHMs and don't look down on them at all, in any way - I wish I had married/shacked up and had kids with (in my case) someone who could support me to be a SAHM. I think it's really valuable for a parent to be at home if poss. ( My dad was a teacher and my mum a hospital doctor when I was little, so they got to share childcare (and never see each other - and I was born in the late 70s)

But - I work full time, as does my partner - we always have since our son was born through necessity, and we don't live in squalor, etc (although I confess, have recently started paying a cleaner for two hours per week.

If I could be a SAHM, or indeed my partner a SAHD, I know we would feel lucky. And not cross with our lot!

leave the twat

LOL - OP got to be a wind up - or a very bad advert for SAHparents work hard debate!

I'm afraid I can understand the assumption made by your Uncle and the dad at the party so I do think YABU to think that you are very busy. I also think you are being a little defensive which suggests that maybe you are not 100% confident about the value of your role at home.

I think you must be using your time very inefficiently if you really don't have spare time during the day. Some of the tasks that you mention are quite relaxing and could be an excuse to meet with friends eg walking the dog. Some of them can be done when the DC are at home eg getting them to put away their own clothes, helping you cook the evening meal. It's really important that the DC learn to participate in some of these tasks and don't just take it for granted that you will do everything as they will need to live independently at some stage! Shopping can sometimes be done on the internet, cooking in batches.
The majority of mums have to work, some of the full time, and do all the household tasks that you mention.

The SAHMs with school aged DC whom I know play tennis, use the gym, meet friends for lunch, etc regularly. A lot of them help with the PTA, volunteer at school also.

If you are in the fortunate position of being a SAHM with older DC, you should make sure that you enjoy yourself some of the time instead of forcing yourself into the position of household drudge.

As a newly SAHM now my mat leave has ended (though looking for a FT job), I reckon there are peaks and troughs of busyness. Some days I whoosh about, doing housework, interminable loads of laundry, running errands, shopping, applying for jobs, doing life admin, gardening (though unless the weeds are about to walk into your kitchen, I count gardening as relaxation), babywrangling a crawling, climbing 8mo and cooking food for the 3 of us. Other days DS and I chill out, do lots of playing, I don't stress about the toast crumbs on the floor or the unmade beds and we get a takeaway delivered for our dinner. Still, DP and I have every evening that he's not working late to relax together while the washing machine/tumbler/dishwasher burble away in the kitchen and we have a nice chat and .

Granted, with 3 DD I can imagine there is a LOT of laundry (I remember my mum sighing at how much 1 teenage girl created), but I do think that since your DDs are at school and you likely have a decent sized garden for your dog, you could probably put your feet up a bit or do something else with your time - charity shop/CAB/dogs' home if you feel you need something more substantial than "housework" to deal with the "what do you do all day?" questions.

We have 2 pre-school children, DP and I both work full-time, we both work very flexible hours so that we can divide childcare as much as possible between us. That means I do a lot of work at night after the children are in bed and DP starts work at dawn. We have no family help nearby. We both study post-grad part-time.

OP - you are not busy if you have an hour a day to spend online ordering stuff for your children's activities.

This thread is fabulous. I'm going to be a SAHM if when I have my first, I can't wait to have time to clean my house! To be fair, I don't know if I will actually morph into a domestic goddess when k pop a sprog or two, but I do hope so. OP's life sounds divine

I hope if you're still reading, that you take all this on the chin OP - you are genuinely lucky. Do you ever watch Comic Relief with your kids and tell your children to count their blessings, that there are millions a lot worse off than them? Because that's what this thread (sort of) should give you.

I have some sympathy for the OP, here. I have 3 dc- 2 at school, 1 pre-schooler, and 2 dogs. I work p/t (1.5/2 days a week)

The dog-walking, for an hour, often in foul weather, I don't see as a "leisure activity" at all! I love my dogs, but the need to walk them is often a pain in the butt. Those of you who have suggested the OP walk the dogs and the kids to school have never met my dogs. They need to run, so I need to take them to a country park- a sedate stroll on the lead round the pavements wouldn't do it for them at all! Plus the anxiety that they will poo on the pavement and it might be runny- yuk!

I too fill every spare hour with a "chore". I think it might be because I always worked f/t and long hours before I had the dc, since I have become a SAHM (p/t) I feel I need to do the job as if it was a paid role- I even have a housework rota, and get unsettled if something comes up that means a certain room doesn't get done at its allotted time I realise how sad that sounds.

I agree that washing/ sorting/ drying (5 airers for me)/ putting away/ ironing/ putting away takes more than 5 minutes. I think I'm fairly efficient at it (I'm not a dilly-dallier), but it still seems to take a fair bit of time, and on a washing day (3 loads, twice a week, and towels and bed sheets at the weekend) I can be still hanging up washing at 11pm.

HOWEVER, this thread has brought me hope! I'm about to go back to f/t work (own business) and was worrying how the hell I was going to maintain standards here as well as working out of the house 8.30-6.00, but seeing this has made me realise that I am guilty (as possibly is the OP?) of making my SAHM jobs into more of a JOB- possibly through guilt? I do feel too guilty to sit and watch TV/ read a book during the day, and maybe, just maybe, I have arranged lots of tasks to make me feel busier (and therefore more justified?) than I need to be, so thanks all!

Have also gained faith through this thread that I WILL manage the transition to f/t work without the house falling down around my ears!

Although I think YABU OP, I agree with others on here that your sensitivity to the remark probably springs from low self-worth. if you were confident and happy in your decision you would just have laughed it off or not even thought twice about it.

I am a SAHM of 2 pre-school DCs (one a newborn) and when I had my first child I used to get very defensive and upset whenever anyone brought up the subject of housework or what I did all day. After about a year I put DS into nursery one day a week and started doing bits of freelance work/doodling (I'm an artist/designer). This gave me my confidence back and with this came the realisation of how lucky I am to be able to choose what I do with my days. The freedom to choose whether to hoover or to go to the park with the kids is a huge luxury and explains why many women would love to be SAHMs.

Now when someone asks what I do I proudly say that I spend 4 days having a lovely time at playgroups with the kids and one day drawing and painting, and I fit the housework in around this. I also add how lucky I am.

Housework can take over your life if you let it. It seems that you could do with a bit of perspective on your situation and perhaps doing something non-home-related could help; be that volunteering, studying or blogging... whatever appeals.

Or you could just sell the dog