busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

But darling you do not have to justify anything to anyone!

I am in the same position.

I never spend more than an hour a day on housework. An hour on shopping, cooking etc.

And the rest is glorious time off for me! And I make the most of it.

If people ask me what I do with all my time I say :" I play tennis and MN and on a sunny day i lie in the garden with a good book, looking at the weeds and wondering whether I should pull them out."

I also do voluntary work 2 days a week.

I am never bored, quite busy, like you, but defo also have FUN.

You should be able to plan in a bit more fun for yourself, then you would not feel such a martyr.

The reality of course is that one of my DC is often sick, and I ahve been at stuck at home with him for more than 3 weeks over the past month. So that is the real value of me not working, to be here when I am needed.

And I really do not feel guilty for having some time to myself during the day!

Mine often get sick too Chandon,middle daughter gets ear infections easily.anyway have to go as 3 girls are taking it in turns to make me feel bad about not seeing to their every need!

I could never not work with all my kids in fulltime school, it just seems so well idle tbh.

aaah,just one more thing,idle,like i lie down all day eating chocolates!Just because i don't get payed doing what i am doing,doesn't mean i am idle.

REALLY got to go now.

A spot of lunchtime barwork would sort you out.

What you do is up to you - if you are happy and it works for you then great.

But busy? Stressed out by all the competing tasks? No. Surely you can see that.

But as others have said- working parents have to do all you do as well! Its life! I have no idea why people need to be a SAHM if their kids arent actually AT home the majority of the day...

Like others said. I work 50 plus hours a week and do all you mention as well (no cleaner, gardener etc here). DH works 60 hours as well and does his fair share.

Maybe your dh isn't pulling his weight?

I work 14 hours a week over 2 days. However, my colleagues, who all work full time think I just go out for lunch and socialise during the 3 days that I don't work.

I think most people don't consider gardening, dog walking and internet shopping to be chores - they are enjoyable leisure activities.

It is lovely that you have time in the day to enjoy these things and I don't think you should feel bad about it - but you certainly aren't busy and crying because someone remarks on that seems a tad OTT.

oh come on, no one needs to iron an hour every single day

i have two kids, work full time and iron a couple of hours at the weekend, and my husband and eldest needs uniform each day so thats a lot of shirts

a sahm is the easiest job to do, believe me and you generally have plenty of spare time - or else you are just managing it badly

otherwise how would mums ever be able to go out to work and run the home

A lot of people who work full time will not understand where you are coming from as they do everything you do in your day before and after work. It doesn't mean to say your wrong and they are right it's just different.

I think a lot of your hurt and upset comes from the fact that deep down you know that your day isn't as hard and stressful as it could be but you don't need to justify that to anyone. It suits you and your family.

Sorry, another one here who thinks YABalittlebitU.

Both DH and I work fulltime. I work 7.30am-5.30pm Monday to Thursday (longer hours so that I can have Fridays off). DD gets dropped at CM or SIL for 7.30am. I then work right through and get an hour for lunch. I am lucky that I work from home so in my lunch-hour I walk our two labradors and prepare the evening meal. I then prepare my lunch and have it at my desk.

If I get a spare 10 mins inbetween meetings, I throw some washing in the machine and then take it out and throw it in the tumble-dryer.

DH starts work at 5am and finishes at 1.30pm. He then goes to the gym for 2 hours and then goes to pick up DD from CM/SIL.

Evenings we have dinner, one of us spends time with DD while the other washes up/prepares DD's lunch bag for the next day. On my day off, Friday, get all the house-work done, blitz it from top to bottom (although usually DH gives it a head start on a Thursday evening - he's much better at housework than me) and then I do the shopping and spend some quality time with DD before the weekend.

I guess because I'm in my office all day and DD is with CM, the house stays fairly tidy so hoovering once a day is pretty much all it needs (and the obvious washing up/drying up after meals) but that's all.

DH does all the gardening and DIY, recently replumbed the whole house over two weekends with some friends (one of whom was a plumber). So we don't get a lot of time to chill, but he hates not doing things anyway. I normally do my baking at the weekend, because I love it.

HOWEVER as some people have said, as long as you and your DH are supporting your family, I say good on you. You do whatever makes your family work. As long as you don't resent being a SAHM, then don't give a rats about what anyone thinks!

I'm frightened this is going to sound like boasting, but I do wonder exacty what you are doing with your time all day if you have that much time to spand on cleaning/cooking/shopping/washing every single day.

I'm a sahm with 3 kids in school, age 7, 9, 11. The reason I don't have a paid job outside the home is due to mental health problems which mean I have appointments twice a week which are very tiring, but I still do all that the OP does (apart from the dog - eww could not stand having one of those).

I also volunteer 2 (full) days a week as a literacy tutor for young mums who left school with no qualifications, get my children to activities (football, beavers and piano on Mon, Violin on Tues, Accordion and cubs on wed, Spanish class and Guides on Thurs, swimming on Friday) all on public transport or walking as I can't drive (medically). My dh works a 60 hour week minimum with 2 overnights away.

I do all our admin, financial stuff etc as dh just doesn't have time. I also have to do all the stuff you talk about in the evenings, homework/reading etc, and I do it all in a language I am still learning as my children are in a bilingual school.

I think it was rude of your Uncle to question what you do, and if you are happy, then great. I am sure that there are people on here who think I am wasting all the time I have while my kids are in school. But the things you describe like checking emails and ironing and decorating - those are the things I do in my spare time after the kids are in bed/at the weekend etc, and I'm a sahm! I do notice you say your ids are rarely in bed before 9.30 which probably also eats up a lot of your time, mine are in bed at 7.30 (little one, 7), 8 (middle one, 9) and 8.30 (biggest one, 11) with half an hour reading time once they are in bed.

Lovelymumma
Get some sleep and stop ruminating mumsnetting in the middle of the night. Things get to you when you're tired. If you are happy with your choices in life other peoples comments should't bother you.

lovelymumma, it's great that you have the life you do - I think most of us are quite jealous tbh. But I think it is reasonable for someone to ask you what you do all day, in this day and age when most parents work FT as well as manage the house.

Your children are 9, 10 and 11 - that's old enough to be doing their own washing, ironing and putting clothes away. You're not doing them any favours by dong it for them, seriously. Ditto cooking - they are old enough to help you make dinner one or two evenings a week each. Again, they won't thank you if they don't learn this life skill before they leave home. It's far more important than any number of 'after school' activities. Hopefully your DH is also capable of helping out round the house too? (Sets a good example to both sons and daughters to see dad doing housework and mum not being a dogsbody).

So, take ironing, washing and cooking out of the equation and you suddenly have a lot more free time. If you walk the dogs while walking the children to school, you lose another hour. Really, it would be feasible for you to do a job if you wanted to, from 9-3. What's important is whether you actually want to, of course (although it would be a great role model for your children).

But if you choose not to, it's not unreasonable to expect people to question your time management skills.

If this is genuine op, then I think you're just losing sight of what busy is, iyswim. When we were both working ft, we did chores and errands around our working hours, as an aside. Now, on my days off, these errands etc become the focus of my day not just an aside.
I work 3 days a week which leaves two for shopping and chores etc, which is perfect. I feel really blessed that I have such an easy life at the moment; kids in ft school and 2 days to myself per week to tootle around doing diy and gardening or just sit and read a book! I would take another day at work if it was offered because of the money, but as things are now, I'm making the most of a relaxing life; I feel like this is my short period of payback after the toddler years

I think YAB a little bit U. Presumably your answer to the uncle's question was pretty much what you have said in your OP. Some of the things you describe, like drinking coffee and checking emails, really are free-time things. You do have free time and that is fine and dandy - no-one's business but yours and your husband's.

But you are clearly desperately feeling the need to justify what you do - you walk the dog but he is a difficult dog, another poster mentions children being ill - yours are often ill. You clean the house - it takes a long time. Do you see what I mean? The way you describe your daily life does sort of make me think "doesn't know she's born" whereas if you just said "I walk the dog, check emails, clean the house and do the laundry and sometimes there are extra things to do" I wouldn't dream of judging you on the level of your activity - it is your attitude towards it that holds it up to scrutiny if you see what I mean.

It's entirely a matter for you what you do with your time, spare or otherwise. If you are feeling a bit undervalued then perhaps you could find time for some voluntary work, or start a little business of some sort, even if it doesn't make much money. If you are confident in what you do then you should be able to answer questions like this with a smile.

The worst thing you can do is be constantly saying "yes but there is this, and this, and this..." I work from home 2 days at the moment and generally finish 2 days worth of work about halfway through the second day. Then I have half a day of me-time while DS is at nursery. I feel the need to justify that time to DP - he doesn't care but I am constantly saying "well I did this and I did this and it took AGES".

OP you sound a bit fed up, and we all do from time to time, but moaning about all you do in a day will not endear you to anyone, nor will it make you feel better.

I have DC and a husband who works absurdly long hours. I have no family living near etc
I manage to do all sorts of things when my DC are at school...work, walk, volunteer.

It sounds like you're either doing too much housework, or making heavy weather of it.

I think you may be overreacting. I have 4 at the moment 3 of them are preschool and my husband and i run a business together from home ( i only do admin and planning stuff ranging from 6-30ish hours a week depending on h ow much needs doing that week) i also volunteer. People ask me frequently why i don't go out to bring in extra money in the evenings lol. But the point is why do we have to be busy every waking moment - why not just say yes your are right your life is hard mine is easier i amm lucky aren't I and move on. I know i have dine this in the past when a friend of mine was banging on about how easy sahms have it...well thats the point why stay at home at all if it was the worst choice .

OP, who it is noone's business what you do with your time, so long as you are happy with it.

I am a SAHM to two littlies and describe myself as 'idle' if people ask me what I 'do'. Usually gets a laugh and a 'oh, no, you are not!' comment.

I prefer it to working, but then I always had shit jobs. If I had a good job to go back to, I'd be there in a flash.

I dont know if yabu however i think your all being selfish jumping on this women saying she has fun days to herself etc. My ds starts school in Sept and I have been looking for any pt job I can find and there is nothing, I am going to continue to search everywhere but if i have to be a sahm while my son is at school for a little while so be it.
It really is no one elses business, every other sahm I know that has a child going to school soon has either had another child or is pregnant and I am fed up with the comments that I should be havng another one now when I know we couldnt afford another and are struggling to save for a house.
Everyone has there own opinion and its up to them how they live there lives.

I agree with Fernie. Everyone does seem to feel the need to point out how hard their lives are. The bottom line is that not everyone works as hard as everyone else. Some people have harder jobs, some people work longer hours, some people have more to do in the home, some people have free time, others don't.

I will freely admit that DP works far harder than I do and there is nothing I can say about my work at home days that will change that. It would be ungracious of me to even try.

I have a lot of sympathy with how the OP is feeling, however. When I was on maternity leave I went through a lot of unnecessary stress trying to come up with something I could do to bring in more money and finished up doing a little sewing business that made very little money and took up a lot of time. This was purely because I was so conscious of feeling unproductive.