busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

The key point OP, people who work- do all the stuff you describe at w/e and evenings so have no time for anyything else
Having any time to do that stuff during "office hours" is a total luxury IMO.

I know being at home with kids is hard but yours are there most of the time.

Grow yourself a pair and get real!

*aren't

At the end of every day ,apart from Tuesdays, ds who is 12, cleans the kitchen floor.......... My 3 yr old makes his own bed every morning....... Have 5 dc here, you need to get your dc doing a lot more!!!

OP is a wind up, no?

If you're happy doing what you are doing then I don't understand the tears on the way home?

I'm not saying that you are not busy during the day, or there is no value to what you do, but I do think you've lost sight of what it would be like if you worked as well.

Like many of the posters on here, I do everything you do, but around working full time. I have two DCs that need ferrying around to activities, feeding, clean ironed clothes and clean surroundings, so I know the value of having to do all of that, as I do it. I also work 40+ hours a week, so have to cram everything in on the evenings and weekends.

When my children are sick - I have one with SN so that can be a lot - I take time off work as does my DH and we rope in family help too.

My best friend is a SAHM, but she does a lot of voluntary work when her DCs are in school - would you consider doing that to give your self esteem a bit of a boost? If not, then please stop caring what other people may think and enjoy your life. I'd swap you!!

OP, you were judged by 2 men at a party who know jack shit about being a parent to 3 DC. they literally know nothing and for some reason have really managed to hit you where you clearly have a soft spot. Unjustifiably too!

I agree with those that say that you could get your 3 to do more chores. they are certainly old enough to help you. Kids love to help, and it's so important for them to learn how to look after themselves.

Get them involved in menu planning and preparation too! Batch bake/cooking helps too.

Take the dog on the school run, both drop off and pick up. You could detour on the way back if need be and ensure the dog has a run. Then if you take her on the collection, it's a bonus.

Don't let people who have no idea get to you, you know what you do, your family's happy, that's the main thing. If you want more time for yourself, take it. The more you do, the more you can do!

3 loads of washing to do.

A whole six minutes of work. How utterly exhausting.

I think sometimes too much is made out of being busy. If you can support yourself and your children and you're meeting all essential commitments, why do you want people to believe it's all very stressful and difficult? What competion are you trying to win?

You're not busy but clearly you're not bored slouched on the couch all day either, expecting others to provide for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, just enjoy your life, it sounds good.

I never got the whole martyr thing - why are so many in this big competition over how exhausted they are/ how much they have to do?? I just dont understand it. If I was in a posisiton to not work/ not have to do alot, I wouldnt be embarrased or upset about it - I'd be damn glad and proud to be a lady of leisure!! .

My cousin has the perfect attitude, imo, she doesnt go for all the above rubbish. Her husband is a very successful business man and they have a lot of money. Ok, she does have 4 kids, but 3 are in school plus she has a cleaner, gardener etc...

Recently, someone said to her "but X, darrrrlllin' - what do you do all day?? you must be terribly bored!!" to which my cousin replied "not at all!! with money and a lot of imagination like mine, Im never bored" . It washes over her. Point Im trying to make is shes in a position that she doesnt have to kill herself working. This doesnt upset her (why on earth would it???) shes proud that she and her husband have attained this lifestyle. Best of luck to her, I say.

I dont understand why you are so upset - crying in the car and taking it so much to heart. You poor thing , I suspect theres a lot more to this because I cant understand why anyone would react this way to being asked what they spend their day doing if there wasnt some underlying issue. I have no problem with anyone asking what I do in a day. (shrugs)

From what you've wrote, it does sound like you have the life of riley, do feck all, have it good - great!!! why would you be upset about this??? live your life and enjoy how easy you have it - its a good thing. You do not need to justify your days to anyone once your family is happy.

Just to put into perspective, YABU to believe your busy - your not busy. I work full time, as does dh, we have 2 dc (a five year old and a one year old), dh works a second job at night (music) so is away 3-4 nights a week. I am studying for my law degree at night (still 3 years in lenght so it is a full time course, Im just doing it in half the time)Im away at Uni two nights a week and when I finish my days paid work, come in and do everything you do (we have 2 dogs also) spend time with dc etc. and once they are in bed the nights Im not in uni, Im studying/ doing assignments. We're busy (and mad!!). Im also 28 weeks pregnant with number 3.

Its our choice though! and people think we're insane but its.none.of.their.business.

I've had a year off on maternity leave with ds (although I continued doing my degree through it) and it was fab, I was ill after ds (had a post partum haeomarrage when he was 8 weeks plus an infection to the lining of my womb) but other than that it was lovely - long leisurly days - cleaning/ chores when I felt like it, could get the time to exercise and walk, coffee and chats with friends. Caught up on tv programmes and got to read books again . Wasnt half as tired, had some lovely days. Twas brilliant!! when people asked how I spent my days I said "doing fuck all!!!" why on earth would I be upset to admit I was having a nice time???

Be happy, m'love. I hope your feeling better today.

My take on this is that you have to value yourself and your choices. I do do all of that stuff on top of working full-time but I am constantly tired and find it very hard to stay on top of the housework in particular. That's my choice: I'd rather work (and get the money) and have a messy house than stay home in the day when my children were at school (I wouldn't do housework anyway).

There are advantages to having one person based at home, even when the children are at school, not least that three lots of after school care are very expensive in some schools. You must value your choice and enjoy the fact that you are not presented with more than you can do, but something that suits you and suits your family.

Have you thought about looking at the OU, I am doing a maths course which will hopefully one day be part of a BSc (hons) in Computing and IT. I am home full time with no children (3Ds in school) for the first time ever in my life (thank you public sector cuts) and it does no harm to be able to tell people 'Oh me, I'm doing a degree in computing at the moment' even if it only takes about 5 hours of my time a week and I may be 60 before I graduate .

You must have had to work really hard when the children were small, why don't you sit back, buy a magazine and eat some chocolate and see where you could tone it down on the housework/laundry thing. I have hours spare a day but then I probably have much lower standards than you .

Lets face it - all of us here on Mumsnet have spare time, otherwise we wouldn't be on it, no?

I'd agree with guy who says you're lucky - he's right! It may be hard work, but its nice you've got the choice isn't it?

im a single SAHM with 3 kids all in school. youngest has SN too and middle one has less SN.
i get the girls up at 7.15, sort brekkie and clothes out. help them get dressed, hair brushed etc. DS gets up at about 8.30.
I do no housework till the girls are out the door at about 8.35.
then I like to get as much done before Jeremy Kyle as I can. Wipe the benches down, pots washed, washer on, toilets cleaned and all depending what dinner we will have, that may be started and ready to go in the oven.
Washing clothes does not take long. 5 mins to sort the piles out and 2 mins to put each load in the washer.
I dont do housework every day. it gets done when I feel like it.
I also have appointments with youngest. so have to go collect her from school, go to hospital, OT whatever then get her back to school.
Being on the internet is a luxery IMO and should be fitted in around housework/washing etc.
I have more than enough time on the internet between jobs

But if you're happy in what you do and you can afford not to work, then it's nobody else's business and certainly nothing to get upset about.

Some people do what you do plus work FT on top. Other people have no kids, don't work and consider themselves really hassled and busy (myself as a student for example!). It really doesn't matter as long as you're happy with what you do. It sounds like your Uncle hit a sore point if it's making you this upset.

I was a SAHM when my 4 were at school. I loved it but was still busy. I helped out in school alot and also studied with the OU. Also my DH works weekends so out 'weekend' time was in the week; decorating, gardeing, days out etc. I also was busy seeing family and friends and found the days short. Don't feel guilty, it's your life, if you enjoy it then that is great :)

I agree with the previous poster who said that work expands to fill the time available. I also agree with the poster who said that you need to make your days more fun. There is no need to feel guilty.

It could be such a dream life. Decorating, walking the dog and gardening should be fun. Find another route to walk if your dog has problems socialising. Cook several batches in one morning, do a bigger clean every 3 days and a quick tidy in between (I have a big house and small kids, this is how I avoid the drudgery of eternal cleaning keeping a tidy home).

And most importantly, make time to do something for yourself. Write a book, take a pottery course, flower arranging - anything that gives you a sense of purpose. And if you don't want to do something for yourself, then volunteer and to something for others. But you don't need to chain yourself to the house in order to be useful. I suspect when your children are older, they will appreciate having a mother who has interests beyond the home.

You are lucky and you do have spare time - lots of it! Doesn't matter what other people think. If you struggle to get all the work in the house done, then get the kids involved in being a little more independent. I wouldn't dream of say, cleaning my kids' rooms or making their beds.

I have recently returned to full time work after being a SAHM for the past decade.

Being a stay at home parent was ten times harder than working.

At work, you get respect, both self respect and respect from others, thanks when the job is well done...socialisation, even if it is with the office twat.
You are not invisible.

Which is how I felt as a SAHM.

I know everyone's experiences are different, but I think in hindsight it was stressful being a SAHM because it was so unfulfilling.
For me anyway.

Can I encourage you to do something for yourself? A course, or volunteer work.

Of course, I appreciate the time I got to spend with my children when they were small. But it was so boring! And that is exhausting.

OP I may have misinterpreted your post, but I think the reason you got so upset, is because you are feeling unfulfilled.

If you were happy, perhaps you may not have cried over it.

Once you start, it's amazing what you can fit in between school hours.

That does not sound like a lot at all, I can't understand how you can't have free time. I am a SAHM and I have loads of free time (and not all my DC are school aged) - I don't feel defensive about it, I feel blessed.

OP instead of tidying in the morning, get yourself to the cafe for brekkie with a mate or summat once in a while. Walk round the charity shops then go back home and potter on a bit.

Hmmm....don't take it personally. Do you feel you'd prefer to be at work, or that you should be? Because otherwise I'd not take it as a critisism,.

FWIW I have 3 DC and DH and I both work full-time. We cope.

Agree, I feel I am very lucky to have the life I have. 3 DD at school, manage to fit in swim 3 times a week, coffee with friends maybe once a week, voluntary work - few hours a week plus 'running the house' and love it. So many people have to do all this and work. Need to value yourself OP, and realise how lucky you are(unless you would rather be at work) not wait for other people to say how wonderful you are.

I am a sahm but have only 2 children. DD1 will be 5 on thursday and she is in reception class at school. Then DD2 is 9 months old.

I pretty well do everything around the house.

Day is normally sterlising bottles, washing up (countless times!), laundry, putting clothes away, ironing if needed, sweeping and mopping, hoovering, making beds, cooking, polishing. Then obviously do shopping when needed. All this is around baby care as well.

If you and your family are happy the way things are then that is fine. I personally am not sure I could cope with being home all day once dd2 starts school- think I would find it boring after a while. Hoping to get a part time job but who knows

But Jester- do you think that you allow these things to take a lot of the day- because you can? if you worked full time or even part time- you'd have to compress them down into shorter spaces, doing it late at night, on weekends etc. Or just not get them done at all (what is ironing?)

Not picking at your post- but generally making point that anyone will live within means regarding time. I filled my days when on maternity leave and felt "busy". I still get the same stuff done now but out of office hours (except the coffee with friends) and I work 60hrs a week. Admittedly I am totally wiped out and have no other life :)

I'm a sahm and I often pretend I'm busier than I am . I cut corners with housework but I really value the time to potter about, read and do stuff during the day, like going to the cinema or a gallery.

I agree that anyone who chooses not to slog it out in the workplace is looked down on in society. Secretly, I'm bloody pleased that I have the choice not to work and get enough personal satisfaction through my interests, not to need validation from the workplace. But I often feel unable to express that, because people become hostile to your choices and try to make you feel that what you do is less valuable than paid work (or in my case, even unpaid work).