busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

I think the problem you've got is a lot of what you call 'being busy' many others would call leisure activities: dog walking, gardening and also shopping, cooking and e-mailing to certain extent.

OP, as long as DH, DC (and the dogs) are fed and watered (and yourself of course) you have the incomparable luxury of pleasing yourself how you spend the rest of your time. Enjoy it!

I do sympathise though: the problem with being a SAHM is how fragmented your day is. It's frustrating fitting in loads of small but important chores and tasks that don't always allow for a longer stretch to do something more, erm, substantial.

But, if you do feel a bit of an itch to do something specific/creative/lucrative the rule is get on and do it.

If it takes x hours a week to do it, then timetable it in and worry about fitting in the other stuff later. Housework will always be there. No one dies if the floor isn't mopped. Kids are very useful too - they can be taught to cook, wash up, take themselves to clubs etc at surprisingly early ages. They will thank you for it later on as well.

Your life sounds fab - But if I met you and was making small talk at a rl party I would also ask what you did all day. Partly because I would be jealous of your ability to have a coffee in peace!

I also have 3 dc (youngest starts school in Sept) - I'm trying to talk dh into letting me still have one day not working - I'm soooo looking forward to having a day to potter!

I guess what I'm trying to say is not to get angry at comments - just smile and say "yes aren't I lucky!"

OP YANBU, and I'm not arguing with you, but I also do all the things you do as well as working. But you don't have to justify yourself to anyone; if it works for you and your family, that's your business.

I found when I was on extended maternity leave I would take twice as long to do things, eg the ironing, than I do now, just because I knew I had more time. Now I get it done just as well but loads quicker, because I don't want to spend all weekend doing housework.

It's none of anybody else's business whether you work or not, or what you do during the day, but do you not think maybe your uncle was just making conversation, and you've taken it as a criticism?

Sorry didn't mean to emphasise all that!

YANBU. If you and your H are happy with the arrangement you have, then it's nobody else's business whether you have time on your hands (with the implication that it should be put to better use that I see in some posts here).

It sounds as if you're busy making your house into a comfortable home for your family, giving them a pleasant garden to enjoy when they can get out, and that sounds like a reasonable use of time to me, and gratifying too for you. If this is what you and your H want, then it is perfectly fine and really no-one has a right to make any kind of dig.

Charitable pov here: perhaps the uncle who made the remark actually meant it as a backhanded compliment to your H that he is earning enough to be able to get by on one salary? Sometimes the older generation sees things from the perspective that everything that involves home and family is a reflection of the man's status/earning power etc. So to him it might have seemed wonderful that your H is doing so well that you must have quite a leisurely lifestyle (as he fondly imagines the life of a SAHM to be....)

x-posted there.

just tell him you spend your free time on mumsnet

sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but the critical factors are the age of the kids and the level of support you get from outside and or your other half if you have one.

What means 'busy' thu? Everybody is 'busy', even if you are sitting on the sofa starring at the wall you can say 'i'm busy thinking'.
I don't like the word tbh or rather the use of the word.

I always feel like I have to justify to others what I do all day as a SAHM, even though two of my 3DC are under 3. I don't feel like other people & society value me and that makes me feel sad and has affected my self esteem. I long to go back to work, but because of my circs the overall effect on my family (i.e. DH, 3DC and me) would be negative.

So, I guess the question is - are YOU happy with your lifestyle... in which case you shouldn't have to justify it to passing commentators,

Or, would you like something else in your life... work (voluntary or paid) or a demanding hobby? Something that made you a person in your own right, where your status comes from YOU, not your DC or DH.
In the latter case you need to own making the change.

Hmm, reading this thread and replying has been useful for me too.

I must be superwoman then. I have 4 kids and a messy husband and I do everything in the house and do a physically demanding job from 9 til 2, 5 days a week.
MInd you, my house is a tip

I run my own business and employ 3 people who all work on a part time basis. One has recently quit as, despite only working 2 days per week decided she wanted to spend more time at home. Spend more time at home !!!!! She's already spending 5 days at home out of 7, how many more do you need. Her two children are at secondary school so she has most of the day to herself as they walk to/from school. I have absolutely no respect for someone who makes the kind of decision.

I think that if you are physically capable of working then you are morally obliged to bring something to the pot. Why should the husband be solely responsible for earning everything that the household spends. Her part time wage was bringing in around £400 per month. That money covers an awful lot of stuff.

I work 5 days a week 9 - 3 and manage to run the household, food shopping, clothes shopping, stuff for school, laundry etc as well. I do have a cleaner.

I cannot for the life of me understand how someone with children at school can all day can be 'busy'. Busy doing mindless drudge that, for most people would take an hour at best to do.

You are obviously feeling sensitive as you feel the need to justify how you can spend endless hours each day doing tedious stuff. Where is the value in a nicely hoovered carpet or a shiny gleaming window sill.

I place very little value on a clean house. I place more value on self esteem, self worth, having my own money, the freedom to run my business as I wish, the pleasure in providing a rewarding service to my clients.

It;s difficult to justify the need to be a sahm when your children are the age that they are simply because you cant.

This is so funny!

Im a SAHM to a toddler and a nursery school child. I have 14 pets, some more demanding than others, we are doing up our house and living in a what i refer to as a rubbish dump come building site, (bought cheaply as was a fugly looking thing but still a bit more than we could afford so little cash for the 'doing up' bit) I dont work at all. I cant claim to be busy, and i honestly dont know how anyone at home all day can? We are about to open our own business which is taking up a bit of time, mostly lazing on the sofa with the laptop 'researching' or number crunching. 'Tis fab really. Feel quite lucky. Housework is a nessesity but everything else, the gardening, the walking, the clearouts, the surfing net time, thats what the majority of people do in their spare time, its what i do in mine, along with lounging about and playing with the kids. We dont have a spare penny and i am pretty unemployable at the moment so all these relativly free things are a lovely way to spend the day. Bliss

Sorry OP i cant see your problem?

OP I kind of see your point about feeling under-valued but at the same time you do seem a bit depressed. Most SAHM's don't feel appreciated but IMO it's a temporary situation not a long term one.

I only have one child who starts school in August and I do find it all exhausting some days but most of the stuff you do in the day is what I would class as spare time things.

When my DS was 1 I went back to work in a care home and volunteered ina shop but found it all too much, since then I have had a few cleaning jobs but again felt it was too much and I decided that it would be best for me to take time out and be a SAHM which is what I have done for the last 2 and half years. I feel lucky that I have been able to do this (although not totally by choice).

I am going to college full time in September and will still be in charge of the household stuff as DP works all day in a job he despises!

You don't have to jastify anything.
Your uncle doesn't have to jastify not having children or the divorced dad at the party 'who sees his children only once or twice a week'.

Are you sure they were not reacting to something you have said?

Trifle, I don't know if you're just annoyed at losing a good employee, but you sound a bit idiotic saying things like,

I think that if you are physically capable of working then you are morally obliged to bring something to the pot. Why should the husband be solely responsible for earning everything that the household spends. Her part time wage was bringing in around £400 per month. That money covers an awful lot of stuff.

Don't you be worrying about your employee's husband and her moral obligations to him. I'm sure he's a big boy and can think for himself. It's not your business, geddit?

basically, you COULD have a lot of free time, if you wanted to use your time efficiently (drop the one hour ironing a day!).

Really, you seem to think that there is some kind of rule, or a person checking that you are usefully employed all day.

There isn't.

Do what you want, leave the laundry and have some fun!

Without guilt.

And then laugh in the face of people asking you to justify yourself.

This is what I do

yes but youre not rushed off your feet,and its not work is it

Ah, now things will finally kick off...

why?reading the post many sahm posters saying they have spare time and why is op faffing about