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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

238 replies

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:30

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

OP posts:
EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 27/02/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 21:34

You really just have different views, not all relationships are based on both parties thinking the same way about things.

It is about whether or not you are happy to live with his views. Are you?

Not all men would like their sons to have a toy kitchen, in fact probably none that I have ever known.

That aside I did buy my son a Barbie one year for Christmas cos he asked for one

faeriefruitcake · 27/02/2011 21:34

Educate him, most men are simple, deluded creatures who need to be guided to the right way of thinking.

It's not really their fault they are just born this way. Ithink it's the missing section of chromosone the XY rather than the 2 XX

Or really fuck him up by pointing out that most people assumed his son was gay already Grin

rosie1979 · 27/02/2011 21:36

YANBU!
My son LOVES his toy kitchin and his dustpan and brush.
He also loves his trains, dinosaurs and other "boy" things - its no sign of being "gay" - although I would not have any problem if he was!

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 21:36

My stepson wasnt impressed when I bought his daughter a tool kit with toy electric drill and hammers for xmas last year Grin

She did manage to make a few dents in the wall with the drill though... Grin

Having said that.. I dont think your boyfriends comments were that "repugnant".. just immature...

PaperView · 27/02/2011 21:37

DS3 has a toy kitchen (the IKEA one) he's nearly 3. He has to fight off his 7 and 5 year old brothers! They all played with buggies too.

CrispyCakeHead · 27/02/2011 21:37

YANBU, his reaction sounds a bit OTT.

I have two boys and a girl and they all play with all the toys, and dress up in whatever costume they choose. It's all about being a child and exploring their envirnonment; gender bias shouldn't come into it.

And does he honestly believe that his DS will never ever have to wield a dustpan and brush in anger, or cook his own meals? Surely tis all good practice for life.

Although I did say No to my MILs suggestion of a toy iron for my DD...but only because she wouldn't know what it was or what to do with it as she has never ever seen me iron anything in her lifetime Grin

DrRichandNimble · 27/02/2011 21:40

As a feminist you should know that patriachy has affected men as well as women.

You just need to help him see that it is merely a kicthen.

you could also point out that almost all the top (richest and most successfull) chefs are male, so wont hurt his sons masculinity to get into that feild.

Maybee · 27/02/2011 21:41

It is a narrow view but I would not end it over this. I'm getting my 2 ds a kitchen this spring.
Enlighten him! :)

MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2011 21:42

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ENormaSnob · 27/02/2011 21:43

He sounds childish and ignorant imo.

nannynick · 27/02/2011 21:46

YANBU - does he not realise that a lot of chefs are male. Cooking is a skill, an art. All children like to play at cooking, especially if they see adults around them doing cooking - children love to join in with real cooking, as well as doing play cooking.

Your BF has a different view to you... that is acceptable. However you will need to decide if that therefore makes you incompatible as a couple.

DaphneHeartsFred · 27/02/2011 21:47

Try laughing at him.

DH wasn't happy when I bought DS a doll when he was little and gave similar reasons to your boyfriend's. So I laughed at him for being so backward, and it worked.

Original poster
lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:48

We haven't been together very long and I really like him, but with one simple comment he made me suddenly see him in a different light. I will try to talk him round for the sake of womankind, but quite honestly, if that attitude is indicative of a wider attitude towards women then I seriously can't be in a relationship with him.

For those of you who say many men feel this way, I think maybe I've been lucky enough to have been surrounded by enlightened men all my life, because none of my friends or my family think like this, which makes me more shocked by it.

OP posts:
lecce · 27/02/2011 21:48

What would most worry me is the fact that he feels strongly enough to argue with you over it. I suppose a lot of men would just blurt something like that out because it had never occured to them before to buy a kitchen for a boy but then they may come round, but he rowed with you. Lots of people are saying you should enlighten him but it may not be that easy.

I say that because of what he said about the dustpan set his ds already has that he doesn't let hin play with! That is the bit I find most worrying. Tbh, he sounds like a twat and, unless he changes his mind, I would find it very hard to respect him after this in your position.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 27/02/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 27/02/2011 21:49

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BuzzLiteBeer · 27/02/2011 21:50

yeah he's a twat. Calliing two year old boys playing gay?
Knobber. And I don't know any men who think this way, due to the fact that I don't associate with total wankers.

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 21:50

How is he otherwise?

Is he respectful, fun, caring?

If yes, then talk to him about your views.

He may have been brought up in a very narrow minded family and not know any better.

If you can be bothered "educating" him, and if you think he is worth it, then give him a chance.

BeerTricksPotter · 27/02/2011 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 21:51

Actually, thinking about it, the only guy that I knew who thought like this was an utter utter knob who cheated on his pregnant wife and had an affair with their neighbour.

Hmm.

nannynick · 27/02/2011 21:51

Does he cook? Maybe tackle it from that aspect, men need to be able to cook so they can cook delicious meals for their family.

Dare I ask if he ever changes a nappy? Or is that also something he feels isn't something men do?

thisisyesterday · 27/02/2011 21:52

i would ask him if he has ever made food in a kitchen

if he replies that he has then tell him to fuck off cos you don't want a gay boyfriend.

bullet234 · 27/02/2011 21:52

"Not all men would like their sons to have a toy kitchen, in fact probably none that I have ever known."

DH was quite happy for our lads to have a toy kitchen to play with.

roomonthebroom · 27/02/2011 21:53

I think YANBU to challenge his views but a bit unreasonable to end your relationship unless he really is mysoginistic or homophobic and not just being silly over gender stereotyping of toys.

I bought my BF's son a play dyson because he loved playing with DD's. My friend suggested it. Her DH went on about it for ages, the irony being that he does most of the hoovering in their house. Bonkers!