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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

238 replies

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:30

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 27/02/2011 22:11

Little boys love copying their mummies!

DS1 happy to play with dolls but he doesn't love them the way DD does. I also would think of a kitchen more of a girls present, but DS1 loved play cooking too.

YANBU, but as others have said its ok for him to have different views, although perhaps ask him if he ever does any cooking himself?

Tupperwarewolf · 27/02/2011 22:13

YANBU. I agree with MmeLindt's first post, though also enjoyed her second

Whether it was a dealbreaker would depend on whether he does his share of cooking, nappies etc.

forever when DD "irons" at pre-school, she's copying DH, not me

frgr · 27/02/2011 22:14

It would worry me that he held such narrow-minded unenlightened views, although I wouldn't break up with him over that comment ALONE, per se. Just investigate the implications of it - is the like this with other things which are at odds with your core values?

Couples can live with differences in opinion, it's true - but fundamental differences about the way people lead their lives (and thus any remit on what kids activities are acceptable, what toys are encourages, what values we instill) are important, so it's only sensible that you're considering the implications of this.

VictorianIce · 27/02/2011 22:14

I don't think you're the slightest bit unreasonable to consider your relationship with this man carefully, based on this incident.
Obviously I know this attitude exists, but I'm still always horrified by it. A female friend of mine once expressed the same reluctance to buy her son a play kitchen and (rightly or wrongly) it tainted my friendship with her.

exoticfruits · 27/02/2011 22:14

YANBU, but if his DS is so young perhaps he hasn't had chance to realise that he is a bit rigid in his thinking. Mine loved their toy kitchen.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2011 22:15

worraliberty yes they do, but you don't have to date most men

OP, let's say you stay in this relationship. Fastforward three years. Your DS says something like, 'I want to be Mary in the nativity!' or 'I want to be a fairy for Halloween' or one of those things that kids do say....

And your DP snaps, 'No, that's GAY!'

What would you then? The fact that he actually said that's gay makes me think he is pretty thick. Sorry don't normally say stuff like that on here, but really.

TragicallyHip · 27/02/2011 22:19

YANBU I was thinking of getting Ds something similar for his 2nd birthday!

saffy85 · 27/02/2011 22:20

YANBU what a shitty attitude your BF has. Don't know how toy kitchens are "gay"

Some of the best chefs in the world are men aren't they? I can't stand the likes of Jamie Oliver snd Gordon "mallet face" Ramsey, but neither of them are gay AFAIK. Everyone is entitled to their opinions but I am always totally confused by people like your BF who label things like toy kitchens/dolls/toy hoovers for boys gay. It's a bloody toy FGS. Children act out all sorts of scenarios with the same toys.

sayjay · 27/02/2011 22:26

"Little boys love copying their mummies"

. . . er, and daddies round 'ere. DH does about half of the cooking.

Wook · 27/02/2011 22:29

lifeissweet does he know about the gay uncles yet? How did he get along with them? Have they been introduced?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 22:31

Saffy: but so what if Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Olivier are gay? (I have no idea and don't care). Being gay is a good thing.

nickschick · 27/02/2011 22:34

My H is vv chauvanistic,hes ex military and very into boys are boys girls are girls .....so imagine my surprise when at a car boot sale he came towards me with this huge toy kitchen complete with utensils etc for ds3 .....I was a bit as ds1&2 never had stuff like this .....H said boys cook too,I knew hed like it so I bought it.

Original poster

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 22:37

No, Wook, he hasn't met my DB yet, but he does know about him. He did seem particularly surprised when I told him how completely unfazed my own father was when DB came out, but seems to have the attitude that it's fine and 'I know some gay people and they're ok' but still wouldn't want it for his own son. He also seems to say things that make me go quite often, but then always says he was 'only kidding' when I challenge him. I do always point out that I just don't find those comments funny.

Crap. This isn't good is it? Dammit.

OP posts:

BuzzLiteBeer · 27/02/2011 22:40

No, thats a pattern. Not good at all.

saffy85 · 27/02/2011 22:42

Never said being gay is a bad thing. Obviously it isn't I was merely pointing out that with something like 8 kids and 2 wives between them they aren't gay. Even though they spend loads of time in kitchens. So the fact that OP's BF's point about toy kitchens for boys being "gay" is really stupid.

Thought my point was pretty obvious really...

RedHeels · 27/02/2011 22:44

You have the duty to educate him! Well, no, you don't really, his parents failed him so not your fault but out of goodness of your heart try to explain why his thinking is wrong and then see how he takes it. I like someone's earlier suggestion of laughing at him in an incredulous way and saying "oh, that's funny, can you imagine there are still people out there who think like this for real?! What pathetic morons!"

Joolyjoolyjoo · 27/02/2011 22:46

It's not great, no, but it doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

DH can be a bit like this, but I always challenge him and call him on it, and his attitude is changing. He is also in the military, and I think sometimes he comes out with misogynistic comments without thinking. Admittedly, it is one thing about him that I strive to challenge and change, but since he is great in so many other ways (and does his fair share of the housework happily) I don't see it as a deal-breaker

edam · 27/02/2011 22:52

It's a very worrying remark, especially the bit about not letting his son play with a dustpan and brush.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 27/02/2011 22:52

Oh don't dump because of one crappy attitude - he was probably brought up to think that kitchens are for girls. He may be a great bloke and a great dad with one stupid idea about parenting.

Reminds me of a great friend who was very eco. She had a new bloke and discovered that he bought tesco value range tinned tomatoes and nonbiodegradable washing up liquid. That was it for her - she dumped him. And maybe he wasn't right but she didn't give him a chance.

threefeethighandrising · 27/02/2011 22:52

YANBU. From what you've said, I reckon you should leg it and count it as a lucky escape. The toy kitchen may have saved you much heartbreak down the line.

WRT the dustpan comment, his DS won't be helping with the housework when he's older then will he?

Children should be positively encouraged to help with this stuff, especially boys IMO!

Original poster

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 22:55

Thanks, Jooly. I am sort of hoping it will be like this with him and that maybe he will start to see the light. He did say that he 'says things without thinking sometimes.' but my fear is exactly that - if those are the things he says without thinking then those are his fundamental beliefs and I don't really want to be with someone who fundamentally believes that his son needs to like football and not cooking. It's just completely against what I believe and, although I will challenge him, my instinct is to think that this is a relationship I have not invested much in yet and that maybe I should jump ship before I end up having to educate my partner forever more. I don't want to be the teacher at home too!

OP posts:

BonzoDooDah · 27/02/2011 22:57

Nope - that's not good I'm afraid. If you're having serious doubts and he's challenging your morals then I think I'd be glad I found out this early on inthe relationship. (although 4-5 months isn't that early is it? )

I have had a friend with this attitude and I argued back and now feel distinctly different towards them. I could not accept it from a partner. What other mysogenistic beliefs does he hold? Would worry me.

Sorry to be doom and gloom as I don't know your DP and he could be lovely ... but the fact you started this thread probably means you know otherwise deep down

CleverHans · 27/02/2011 23:02

personally I feel it was a bit of an over reaction on OP's part. Leaving the room, labelling his beliefs /opinions repugnant, misogynic and homophobic and "sending him home" to me feels OTT when she could have used the opportunity to explore the differences,share her own thoughts and yes educate him to another way or at least to understanding that some of his views don't align with her own. The reaction closed down communication mutual I feel.

I have to admit I would never have thought about getting my DS a kitchen or a dust pan and brush as a present, it simply would never have crossed my mind and Yet I love cooking personally and think cheffing is one tough job. If my wife bought him a present like that I guess I'd be suprised, try to understand where she was coming from and think "fair play" and if I saw him playing with it I would join in BUT I can't really imagine initiating play with those items myself.

I still feel I am a feminist and yet I have a lot of sympathy for the OP's BF's confusion as it's touched on an area I've never even considered so I don't know what I'd have said "in the moment". I would have felt attacked though by the response however.

GotArt · 27/02/2011 23:02

YANBU... at Strong Start, boys play equally with it. Its fun to play with food and learn about food. DH's mom told him when he was young to work in a kitchen and you'll never go hungry. He's an award winning chef now and people scramble to work with him.

GotArt · 27/02/2011 23:04

In our house, DH does all the cooking, and I look after all the fixing... I have the power tools, his are kitchen tools.

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