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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

238 replies

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:30

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

OP posts:
patiencenotmyvirtue · 28/02/2011 07:23

if only it was that simple, BristolJim : o

CheerfulYank · 28/02/2011 07:30

Are you joking, BristolJim ? You are, surely?

mrsgetonwithit · 28/02/2011 07:34

My son used to play with the kitchen in toddlers, I never bought him one, I too thought it was a girl toy. Just the same as I never bought him a barbie doll.

Never did my son any harm, he is 9 now and does a lot of cooking with me.

I think this is being blown all out of proportion, just like an off the cuff, tongue in cheek comment such as girls can't play football as we all know they can they have two legs just the same as the boys.

Some sensitive souls on here I wonder how they make it through the day.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 07:39

Jim - that is a really ignorant attitude and clearly you have not read this thread properly.

No-one is saying that boys shouldn't play with boys' toys, they are saying that if they want to play with girls' toys as well.

My DS has a toy kitchen and he loves cooking my dinner on it. As much as he loves playing with his many cars, trucks, lorries and fire engines. He also plays with his trainset, loves to kick a football around and is generally an active and lively boy.

Oh and I had a friend at school & college who had a very traditional upbringing, his dad had a similar attitude to you Jim and would only let my friend play with boys' toys and didn't even like him having friends who were girls. My friend is screamingly gay and very happy with it Grin

Homosexuality is something that is inherent in you. If your child is homosexual no amount of forcing gender stereotypes on your child is going to cure him/her.

And frankly the whole "turn them gay" comments is incredibly homophobic Angry

DerangedSibyl · 28/02/2011 07:47

I actually wouldn't dump for this, although I can see why you are thinking about it.

I would, however mercilessly take the piss. i would squeal if he touches pink things ("Darling no, you'll catch Gayyyyyyy!"), and refuse to have sex ("Oh no, sex leads to babies, and babies lead to pushchairs, and pushchairs make men gay!") and refuse to cook him anything ("Plates come out of kitchens, that's a bit gay isn't it?")

I'd have a jolly old time, actually, until he either STFU or dumped me.

DerangedSibyl · 28/02/2011 07:48

Oh BristolDim .... my sons have all sorts of toys. Kitchens, hoovers, nerf guns etc.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 28/02/2011 07:51

Cooking isn't a female activity.

mrsgetonwithit · 28/02/2011 07:55

Just scanned this again

and
the title

to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen

is

really as pathetic as it sounds.

ErnestTheBavarian · 28/02/2011 07:59

I don't have time to read it all. So if loads has happened since OP, sorry.

I'd say YANBU to want to buy kitchen for ds. I think YABU to get so het up about it. I think many men think this, it doesn't make them neanderthals. I also think there is a genuine gender divide even amongst very young children which really seems to me to be inherant. I had 3 ds. I got them a dustpan and brush, and a buggy, and ds3 a doll. Dh wasn't impressed. They played with them a bit.

Now have a dd. She loves all that sort of stuff, and the associated role playing is much more marked in dd. ds might shove baby in pushchair along with a couple of dinosaurs and go on high speed car chases with them. dd will lovingly dress 'baby' and feed it and put it to bed.

I sort of see where BJ (Is that a coincidence!) is coming from. As a mother of 3 boisterous boys it frustrates me when they are not allowed to be boys, when mothers (of girls) disapprovingly tut at them in the playground. HAving a small sister, they are all very sweet and careful around young children, and considerate, so they are never in any way rough or dangerous around other kids, but they may be roughhousing and not causing a problem for anyone, but other mothers (of dd/pfb dd) still look down on boys.

I think there is a danger of 'feminising' little boys. Primary education in particular has shown to be detrimental to little boys in this respect, esp in UK where is starts so ridiculously early, mostly female teachers, mostly games that suit girls not boys.

Anyway, back to OP. I think you can be a feminist and not go so OTT about issues. Because over time many issues will arise and I think challenging them or educating, or giving your view is valid and important. Getting so enraged is counter productive imo.

rainbowinthesky · 28/02/2011 07:59

My son used to say certain things were gay. Fortunately he's grown past that that now. Personally I could never be with someone who hadnt yet matured as far as my ds.
As for not playing with a kitchen or dustpan. I had no idea these sorts of things were issues for anyone. I certainly dont know anyone who holds such views.

RunAwayWife · 28/02/2011 08:00

Both my sons had toy kitchens, ironing boards, dustpan and brush sets and DS2 even had a doll in a buggy, as yet neither has a passion for musicals Grin

gorionine · 28/02/2011 08:03

DS2 had a toy kitchen and a set of pans baught for him by DH.

Has your DP never seen any TV chefs? are they all gay?

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 28/02/2011 08:04

Mrsgetonwithit - yes, that would be pathetic, if it was actually over a toy kitchen, when what it is actually about is "AIBU to end a relationship because my partner is sexist and homophobic"?

GoodDaysBadDays · 28/02/2011 08:09

If your dp's opinions and comments are irritating and annoying you now, they will probably only annoy you more as time goes on.

I thought some of dh's odd ideas were amusing and quirky 12 years ago. Now they just irritate me

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 08:11

Well here is where the problem lies because those of you who are saying I am over reacting are slightly missing the point I was trying to make which is that I am a feminist.

I couldn't give a stuff about boys not being allowed to be boys. I happen to think that is a whole load of bollocks anyway. All children need to be socialised to understand that hurting other people is wrong. We shouldn't be allowing boys to play roughly because they are 'just being boys' and, anyway, my problem is exactly the opposite one. I would like boys to be free to play in whatever way suits them without being restricted by some small minded adult idea of what 'boy behaviour' is.

I believe wholeheartedly that women are done a disservice when gender stereotyping of this kind is perpetuated. What message is this attitude giving to my boyfriend's DS about what women are for and what his role should be in the home and in life?

I don't feel that it is trivial or pathetic. I feel very strongly about it, which, rightly or wrongly, is why I am considering this so seriously. It really is a fundamental value and I am increasingly thinking I can't and won't bend on it.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 28/02/2011 08:11

I was in ELC and a little boy was playing with the kitchens.

His mum said (more to her friend than to her DS to be fair) "Oh, man it up a bit, DS!" in an exasperated tone of voice.

I wish I had had the courage to ask whether she ever complained that her DH didn't do enough in the kitchen, and, if so, to wonder why that might be.

PlanetEarth · 28/02/2011 08:19

Ernest, I disagree - I believe that thinking like this does make a man a neanderthal.

WoTmania · 28/02/2011 08:19

Bit late to this thread but YANBU

I would talk it through calmly with the boyfriend though and try to get him to see your POV. Does he never cook, clean, wash up etc? And if he does does it make him 'a bit gay'?

I think you could do him the world of good (and at the same time be a good influence in his DS's life)

patiencenotmyvirtue · 28/02/2011 08:20

My DH does all the cooking, and got completely cruised in Sydney yesterday.

So, in answer to BristolJim, yes, it does gay you up a bit.

Quelle tosseur.

cory · 28/02/2011 08:24

I don't think there is a problem with boys not being allowed to be boys: I think there is a problem with all children being expected to be too prim and sedentary in this country! It would be better for the girls too to be allowed to climb trees and play in the mud. When I visit Scandinavia in the summers I see them doing it. The girls own overalls and wellies and are out there splashing in puddles- it doesn't stop them from also enjoying dolls and dressing up. Owning a toy kitchen will not stop a little boy from having a good time on the climbing frames- only an overprotective parent will do that.

And I don't think the problem is female teachers per se; it's female teachers who have been told that they have to keep children safe and quiet at all costs, because parents are likely to sue over a broken arm.

I want my boy to have the right to climb and run and use tools. But then I wanted the same for my girl. Because that's what I had as a child and it was good.

For me, expressing a stupid gender stereotyping idea once would not be a dealbreaker. But refusing to budge on it would.

WoTmania · 28/02/2011 08:29

Yes, Cory - DD is my third DC and the only girl (I'm one of 3 and the only girl too) and people are always commenting, at the tender age of two, how she is a 'tomboy' and 'stubborn' I think these are fine attributes and to be encouraged, Just as I let the boys rough play but teach them also to respect the feelings of others and not to play too rough, i.e to the point of hurting one another.

We had problems with DS1 too becuase he had really long, curly, blond hair and some people refused to believe he was a boy. Because he had long hair [hair]. Pfffft

fluffles · 28/02/2011 08:38

YANBU - you haven't known this guy too long but you are potentially in the future thinking about living with him and with your boy and his boy, being joint parents to two boys... imagine if he takes those attitudes forward to when your boys are teenagers? will they not be allowed into the kitchen? will all the cooking and cleaning be your job because you're the woman in the house??

i would be VEry very wary...

Original poster
lifeissweet · 28/02/2011 08:39

I see my DS as a child. I see the children in my class as children not as boys or girls. They are all different and all on that strange society-constructed masculine - feminine scale at completely different points. I do not think that their imaginations, interests and goals should be dictated by their genders and choosing toys specifically to reinforce stereotypes is against my beliefs.

It is a kitchen and my DS loves his. It had never even occurred to me that anyone would think like this. I would have expected it, maybe, if it was a pink doll I had suggested (not that I would have a problem with that either) but, come on, it's a kitchen!!

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 08:48

Took DS shopping for shoes the other day. He was immediately attracted to 2 things.

Pink glittery ballet shoes and wellies covered with tractors and diggers on.
He got the wellies (which is what we were shopping for, his ones have holes in the bottom!).But not the ballet shoes. I wouldn't have bought them for a girl, they were foul!!

amiheartless · 28/02/2011 08:52

This actually sounds like a poroblem that can be talked through

but yanbu