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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

238 replies

lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 21:30

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2011 21:53

Agree with lecce

The fact that he actively doesn't let his son play with something he knows he likes because it offends his values or whatever is screwed up.

I mean, it's a dust pan, not a fucking cock ring.

Also if you remain together, how long will it be before he's relaying this sort of attitude to your DS?

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 21:53

YABU - Take a chill pill.

Liv77 · 27/02/2011 21:54

YANBU - I got my 2yo DS a toy kitchen for Chirstmas. He loves it. DH had no objections (and why should he)

Your BF sounds like a major prat. Do you want him to pass these opinions onto your own DS too so he turns into one of those men who can't do a thing for themselves and thinks anything in the house is "woman's work". It sounds like the beginning of a slippery slope. Also what a meanie for not letting his own DS play with a dustpan and brush. Angry

I though it was very Sad that Fabby doesn't think she knows any men who would be happy for their DS's to have a toy kitchen.

I took my DS to a friend's house yesterday and he spent most of his time there playing with her DD's pink toy kettle. I can just imagine what your BF would say about that.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2011 21:54

Yanbu

I don't date thickos and what a shame you wasted time on him

Hope someone better comes along.

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 21:54

(Although I do agree that it's dreadful he doesn't let his son play with dustpan and brush). Shock

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/02/2011 21:57

If he was actually serious, I don't think I'd be with him. It suggests that he thinks kitchens and dustpans are 'women's things'. Which means he'd do piss all around the house and expect to be waited on. Also the 'not allowing' a 2 year old to play with a dustpan is knobbish. I hope that he was just responding in the way that he has been raised, though, and when it's pointed out to him hopefully he'll realise how odd his attitude is. Plus, for his next birthday please buy him a saucepan or a dustbuster.

Becaroooo · 27/02/2011 21:57

YANBU.

My ds2's fave toy is his ikea kitchen he got for his second birthday!

Tanith · 27/02/2011 21:57

I'm sure Gordon Ramsay would be delighted to hear his views!

As a matter of fact, he's far more likely to cause hangups by his attitude. Plenty of boys love toy kitchens. I'm looking after one who loves to dress up as a fairy! His very sporty father doesn't mind a bit - probably he's much more secure in his sexual identity than your BF is.

mayorquimby · 27/02/2011 21:57

"Educate him, most men are simple, deluded creatures who need to be guided to the right way of thinking.

It's not really their fault they are just born this way. Ithink it's the missing section of chromosone the XY rather than the 2 XX"

well that's staggeringly moronic and ignorant.

Wook · 27/02/2011 21:59

YANBU!
Can grown up men really say 'that's a bit gay'? I thought it was just kids in the playground!
Is it the tip of the iceberg or is he generally reasonable?

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 22:00

YANBU He is sexist, homophobic and the rest. You need to figure out if that is an influence you want around DC? The homophobia would do it for me

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 22:00

Have a think about this man's behaviour the rest of the time OP. I wouldn't be surprised if there have been previous incidents of him displaying a sexist, homophobic mindest (the fact that he argued with you over this rather than realising that he's made a stupid comment indicates rather strongly that he does feel women, and gay men, are 'inferior').
Then dump his sorry arse.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/02/2011 22:01

My youngest had the ELC kitchen when he was 2 for Christmas. He spent the entire day walking about in nought but the apron and wellies and force feeding us plastic aubergines

dearprudence · 27/02/2011 22:01

It's not his attitude towards women that's the problem, IMO. It's his attitude towards men.

If his views are this strong about a 2 year-old - not much more than a baby - they can only be intensified as the child gets older.

What if his son (or yours) turns out not to display 'typical' male characteristics - what if he's sensitive, doesn't like sport, etc.

I couldn't say whether you try and talk it out or just walk away. It depends how much the relationship means to you.

EricNorthmansMistress · 27/02/2011 22:01

YANBU
don't tolerate this - he's showing himself to be homophobic and sexist and raising his DS to believe that housework is for women or effeminate men. What will that do to his son'd self esteem if he does turn out to be gay - knowing how his dad feels about homosexuality? Or will he just grow up to be a lazy, enetitled man-boy who won't pick up a brush and dustpan cos it's 'women's work'?

Not much you can do about his son but you don't want your kids growing up near these views.

worraliberty · 27/02/2011 22:02

A lot of men do feel that way.

I think to drive your point home you should take the child to a toddler group together. That way he'll see him make a bee line for the toy kitchen and hoover, boys nearly always do IME.

Wook · 27/02/2011 22:04

dearprudence exactly- it's his view of men that is so sad and so sad for his ds :(

Anyway if this is a dealbreaker for you then you must also have/ have had doubts about him previously?

Original poster
lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 22:04

I think this is the problem, Wook. We've been together since october, so not a long time, and we only see each other a couple of times a week because of other commitments. This is the first time this attitude has surfaced and it does worry me as we are still very much in the 'getting to know each other' phase and it is a sort of dealbreaker for me as I have quite strong views on equality and avoiding gender stereotyping our children (I am a primary school teacher and am careful about this in my classroom too).

This single incident makes me see my ex-h in a better light. He is a knob in a lot of ways, but he certainly doesn't hold attitudes like that and is always baking with our DS.

OP posts:
CoffeeDodger · 27/02/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solooovely · 27/02/2011 22:06

I think you would be completely reasonable to dump him over this.

My BIL has said similar things and I find it ridiculous and think it limits his son play as he can only play "manly games"! He wouldn't let him play dress up when he was a toddler because he didn't want him wearing gay outfits (I let him do it at my house and didn't tell the dad Grin.

I think you should take it as a big sign of his general opinions on parenting and womens/mens roles. You can't change that!

MappandLucia · 27/02/2011 22:07

"a bit gay" would be the death knell on our relationship, I'm afraid.

V v ignorant, unbelievably old fashioned & narrow minded.

Yuk

Sidge · 27/02/2011 22:07

That sort of comment is indicative of a deeper opinion that housework and cooking are 'woman's work', so that in itself would put me right off him.

I imagine your boyfriend to be the sort of man that hardly lifts a finger around the house and thinks that caring for children is woman's work too and so does very little with his child.

Not qualities I find attractive in a man TBH.

shelscrape · 27/02/2011 22:08

YANBU. My DS - now aged 6 - got a toy kitchen for christmas a few years back. Nothing wrong with it at all in my view. children's imagination needs to be stimulated and a kitchen is a fab role play toy. My DS sees his dad cooking and cleaning, he just wants to do what his daddy does. DS still plays with his kitchen, now uses it to play at being on masterchef and pretends to be John Torode!

i think it is very sad when men takes such negative attitudes towards their son's toys. I recall when DS was 2 and we were out shopping. DS was pushing his pink pushchair with his baby doll. Another little boy about the same age kept staring at us in Boots. His mum came up to us and said her son would love a pushchair and doll but DH refused to allow her to buy one, even it was a blue pushchair with a boy doll

Original poster
lifeissweet · 27/02/2011 22:09

My DS will be fine. His father and I have similar views on this (I would never have married him otherwise) and my DS has a wonderful pair of gay uncles (my brother and partner) who he has the closest, warmest relationship with. I am worried for his DS, though, and think I do maybe need to challenge this view again just to see whether I can get him to see another point of view. Thanks all!

OP posts:
PrincessFiorimonde · 27/02/2011 22:09

I agree with lecce.