...to be considering ending a relationship over a toy kitchen?

[lifeissweet]

I have a 5yr old DS, Boyfriend has a soon to be 2yr old DS. We were talking today about present ideas for his DS's second birthday. I told him that, at around that age, I had bought my DS a toy kitchen, which he loved. He liked opening and closing the doors and playing with the little pots and pans.

BF screwed up his face and said 'that's a bit gay isn't it?' I was a little shocked and just said 'WHAT?' so he said 'well it's more of a girl present. Men just aren't happy with buying things for their sons like that. I mean it's just wrong isn't it? I mean, I hated it when his mother bought him a little dust pan and brush, He loves it, but I won't let him play with it.'

I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down.

I am, admittedly a bit of a feminist and think that this diplays ignorance and a completely worryingly misogynistic (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I find disturbing. As it is such a massive attack on my core values we had a bit of a row. I told him I found his opinions repugnant and sent him home saying I needed to think about our relationship.

Am I right to be so worried about this or am I, as he says, completely over reacting?

I have been on MN for several years and this is my first ever AIBU. Please be gentle...

DH made my DS's kitchen himself, that is how little a problem he had with it. He spent ages looking for ideas on the internet and selecting the right picture of a loaf of bread baking to varnish onto the front for the oven door. DS, disappointingly, prefers his cousin's shop bought kitchen. Cousin is a boy and DS makes a bee line for the toy kitchen round their house. Also loves his trains etc.

I can see why you would have grave concerns about your compatibility, if this is for the long term you're going to have to agree on child rearing. Is what he has said typical, or a fair representation? Or maybe unthinking?

It is important to me that my son grows not expecting women to do the menial tasks.

i would worry a bit about someone with those views helping to raise my child.

All of my lot love the Kitchen toy or otherwise. You DP is being a tad silly and maybe had underlying issues himself .

I still mourn the Alla cart Kitchen that santa never left behind on christmas eve. Anyone remember it the one with the baked beans and swiss roll?

[daydreams of how my life could have been]

How did the shopping trip and subtle 'probing' go? Sorry it seems to be going under. But I'm completely with you on why you would.

Just a quick update - because I hate it when you give people advice and then never find out what happened.

Basically, I've replaced one set of misgivings with another. We had a bit of a chat about our differing opinions on equality and senses of humour and his response was quite heartening, but also a little worrying.

BF says that he was brought up in an environment that was very traditional (Irish - small town) and that he is learning all the time to be more PC. He is working in inner-city Birmingham, so has had a steep learning curve about racism too, but to his credit he has quickly adapted and is completely unprejudiced now. He says that he admires my outlook on life and that he has a lot to learn and wants me to pull him up and challenge him about his preconceptions, because otherwise he'll never learn. He says that's what he loves about me - that I am challenging him and making him think about things.

The worry then is that I'm not sure I want to be someone's PC Police. I know that his background is not his fault, but I don't want to be having to change his outlook to make him acceptable to me. I'm not sure whether any changes he made to his thinking would stick, for a start (at 30 his views are probably pretty entrenched) and you can't change someone's sense of humour. Plus, this is still pretty much the beginning of the relationship. He is trying to please me and impress me and I'm sure he can put up a PC front for me for a few hours a week. Whether that change is permanent is another thing entirely. I worry about meeting his friends and family if they are all like that.

So thank you everyone for your input. The outcome is that I still don't know what to do, although I am thinking I may give him one more chance, but have a heightened awareness of this issue....any thoughts, wise ones?

Oh - and btw, he bought his DS some duplo in the end, which I think every 2 year old girl or boy should have, so not too worried about that. Shame, though, because we took him to a soft play centre and he headed straight for the big plastic play house, so I think he would have loved a kitchen.

Thanks for the update!

I know exactly what you mean ... I nearly ended up going out with someone who really thought that I would give him the boot up the arse that he needed and help him sort his life out (he was unemployed, still living with his mum etc - this was back in our 20s). I didn't want to be in charge of sorting someone else's life out so it didn't happen (and he did it anyway :)).

I think giving him another chance but keeping an eye on things sounds like a good plan, unless you're at a stage where you don't want to risk wasting time as it were.

Lifeissweet - my reaction 'What? I'm not your bloody Mother - I want an equal not someone who needs 'educating' to be socially acceptable'.... but I suppose it depends how many of these 'issues' he has. If it's just this one and he's lovely in every other way I guess it's do-able, but make no mistake - any bloke who wont let his son play with a dust pan & brush is going to be fucking hard work to 're-educate' & that's without seriously wondering what his attitude is to actual housework, cooking, washing, ironing, changing nappies (if you are considering having DC with him).

Agree, it does sound like a mother/son dynamic, not actually very attractive really.

Having said that, I have a good friend whose husband holds what I consider to be quite racist and sexist views which come out when he is drunk. She obviously manages to separate these away from his normal life and just says 'oh, there goes X' when he starts his drunken rambling. I, of course, am like a dog with a bone and feel I have to challenge them, she doesn't, it seems to work for them.

I guess it depends whether it is a core thing for you, and likely to affect your everyday life, or whether you can tolerate his different stance on these issues which he is open to changing.

I also think you are very unlikely to find someone who thinks exactly the same as you, plenty of my friends hold views I consider un-PC or to the left/right of my own political leanings. My husband feels differently to me about private education, the death penalty and so on.

He sounds quite open-minded about what you have said and quite reflective. I would keep an eye but carry on if he has lots of pluses.

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