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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect this doctor to be in some trouble!!

209 replies

stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 19:44

Evening ...I wont make this too long!

I went to the doctors earlier today with my DS. He has never slept a night through since he was born. He is now almost 5 and its come to breaking point. None of us are getting enough rest and it is seriously affecting his behaviour and concentration!!
Now im pretty he doesnt have ADHD as some people seem all to keen to label him with however i do need some proffesional advice on how to make him sleep.

Please dont anyone say "Just leave him scream" etc etc ..We have a 2 yr old DD who sleeps really well and if he screams he disturbs her!

Ok so long story short got to the doctors and he started with "So he has conjunctivitis,yes this is common in children blah blah" I replied "no thats not why im here im here for some proffesional advice on how to get him sleeping through the night as he has sleep problems" He then got a bit angry and said i should speak to my h/v. I told him they dont want to know now he is at school. So he then banged his hands loudly on the table,grabbed his hair and gritted his teeth!!! He was really angry!! He was shouting that he is a gp and its not his problem and why am i there!! He made me feel like a complete waste of space then said "ill refer him but now YOUR making it medical and i dont like it" so i left!!

Im so so angry but more than that im upset :( it has taken me weeks to make this appointment because im so terrified they will try to label him :( i just want him to be able to sleep so we can at least know if its the lack of sleep that makes his behaviour bad at times :(

AIBU to complain tomorrow and expect the doctor to apologise to me in person??

OP posts:
winnybella · 24/02/2011 20:30

Sorry, but your ds is playing you.

Start on Friday night- take Monday and Tuesday off if necessary-or just deal with sleep deprivation for few days.

Just put him back to bed.

I guarantee that after few nights of getting no results from screaming he will sleep in his own bed.

Agree with activate and others- unless you have other concerns, it's not a GP you need.

What's a few days od lousy sleep if it means you'll be able to sleep well from then on? Confused

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:30

Nickschick what do you mean my attitide? with the doctor or on here? I have an attitude on here because some posters clearly havnt read what ive said ...I dont need parenting advice from anyone on here ..My post was simply ensuring my letter about his behaviour is justified and i now have my answer. I know he cant fix it but i was told by our health visitor to go and see the gp so i did that and look what happened! So ill do the sleep training and hope it works and if in the meantime i have some sort of emotional breakdown i sure as hell wont go to the doctor!!

OP posts:
Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:33

Oh god why do i bother ..curlymama i didnt say reassure me about my parenting ,reassure me that jack is just a normal boy (not the horrible naughty child he is being made out to be) and that his behaviour will get better etc ..sorry i was under the impression a gp is also there for advice Hmm

OP posts:
cumfy · 24/02/2011 20:33

listening to my almost 5 year old screaming "mummy dont leave me i love you im scared i miss you" etc etc breaks my fucking heart!!!

Shock

Sorry, you need to grow up.

This is a 5 year old.
Yet he's clearly got you wrapped round his little finger.
You really need to see someone about how you perceive and interact with your children.

curlymama · 24/02/2011 20:35

You're being slightly dramatic now with the emotional breakdown thing.

There are two of you, you can do this. Even if you have to take it in turns to have afternoon naps for a few days, it's doable.

No, the doctor shouldn't have spoken to you the way he did, I think everyone would agree with that. But again, everyone has off days and makes mistakes. He probably knows how out of order he was, but it sounds like he was being understanding when he thought you were there for conjunctivitis.

StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2011 20:35

"waking to feed a newborn is somewhat different to listening to my almost 5 year old screaming "mummy dont leave me i love you im scared i miss you" etc etc breaks my fucking heart!!!"

:(
That is true actually, a lot of it is psychological. I was up with DS who had a nosebleed last nigt, but felt a lot less tird this morning than if he just gets me up because he's being naughty

curlymama · 24/02/2011 20:36

Of course it's normal. You don't need a doctor who probably never changed a nappy in his life to tell you that. You have MN! Smile

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/02/2011 20:36

you know i really love the way every little parenting problem these days has become every one elses responsibility BUT the parent. makes me laugh.

i have a son who is on the autistic spectrum and never sleeps, so while i sympathise with the whole sleep deprivation thing i am slightly aghast as what the GP is supposed to do for a non medical problem that is very common for your sons age.
my son is awake all night, always has been, but now he is 19 its less of a problem. he was put onto melatonin at the age of 15 when he became unwell through lack of sleep,
your son sounds like he is sleeping - just not where you would like him to sleep.
thats normal for his age i would think. my DD did the same and she grew out of it.

i have to agree with those saying it doesnt sound like a medical problem, more of a practical parenting issue that you are not prepared to deal with because it might get a bit difficult. GP = general practitioner, they dont have all the answers on how to keep your child in their own bed!

nickschick · 24/02/2011 20:37

I just kind of got the impression you were a bit ermmmmm ............attitudey.

Sorry if i misread.

I dont think the Gp can help its usually the HV with help of an assistant who tries and finds the best routine for your family.

My youngest slept 3 hours out of 24 for the first 4 years.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:38

Cumfy - that last line is a little harsh since you have no idea apart from what you quoted me about how i precieve and interact with my children! At various hours of the night when im so exhausted yes that is how i feel!

OP posts:
pink4ever · 24/02/2011 20:39

"mummy I love you,I miss you,Im scared,dont leave me"-Op- you just nailed your own problem in that one sentence. Your ds doesnt have a major sleep problem imo,he has a problem with parents who wont say NO!! Yes it is distressing to hear your child cry but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I would put a lock on his bedroom door(dont care if I sound harsh btw) and leave him to cry/scream/tantrum till he gets the message that he has to sleep in his own room.
Re the doctet-yes his attitude stunk but I agree you were taking up his time with something that is non-medical. Demand to speak to your hv and if that doesnt work then ask for a referral to a child pyschologist.

cory · 24/02/2011 20:39

My dd was very anxious in the night for a long time and kept coming into our beds until she was nearly 10. The problem is, there wasn't really a lot a doctor could do that we couldn't do ourselves. Melatonin is for problems in falling asleep, not for nightwaking, so that wouldn't really have worked.

We could have dealt with it as a matter of discipline, but felt that as she was sensitive it would actually be quite unkind to do so. So we just got into the habit that when she came in, either me or dh would slip out and go and sleep in her bed- that way the remaining person had room to keep out of tossing and turning.

Interestingly, letting a 5yo come into your bed would be fairly normal behaviour in Sweden where I grew up, but in the UK it is seen as a sign of parenting failure. I wonder if this actually makes it harder for British parents to sleep peacefully with a child in the bed because they know they shouldn't...Whereas to me, with my cultural expectations, a tossing 5yo would not feel more stressful than a snoring spouse

AuntiePickleBottom · 24/02/2011 20:40

my son has done this, so i gave in, gave him my bed and went to sleep in his bed.

after a few weeks he soon realised and now don't bother coming into my bed

altinkum · 24/02/2011 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ismene · 24/02/2011 20:41

That was completely uncalled for cumfy.

Why jump to the conclusion that all sleepless children are manipulative? Isn't he allowed to feel anxious and lonely? We treat adults with more respect than this, or do you advocate ignoring all those with anxiety until they learn to cope?

Agree GP was right in that he wasn't the right person, wrong to talk to you like that.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:41

vicarinatutu - i appreciate that - someone saying its normal ..nickschick im not trying to be attitudy i am not perfect ..i have several people around me telling me its not normal and to get help then i begin to wonder if it is ...I will cancel the referral i will listen to the people who have been nice enough on here to give me helpful advice without judging and i will sleep train him myself.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 24/02/2011 20:41

OP, people on here, including myself, have tried to give you good advice

clearly you din't want that, but there is no need to be this angry and dismissive of the thoughtful posts many of us have taken the time to write

we can only go on the information you've given us.

" ...I dont need parenting advice from anyone on here "

actually i'd argue that you do if you are having trouble with your 5 year old still waking in the night and you'd like to stop it, My suggestion that you post again asking for thoughts about that was so that you could get some advice without being torn to pieces on this thread.

clearly we're all wasting our time though, so I for one will bow out

scattyspice · 24/02/2011 20:42

I feel your pain stoppin my dd is nearly 6 and rarely sleeps through the night. last time we tried sleep training she screamed so much that Ds got really upset (he still talks about it now) and Dh lost his temper (with dd not ds). I just put up with it. I started a thread in the autumn about school age kids who don't sleep. There was quite a response so we are not alone. Sad.

Your GP sounds a bit frazzled!! I think this is going to be more common as the NHS gets picked apart. I had a similar experience with a GP over Ds nosebleeds (prev GP told us to come back if ointment didn't work to have nose cauterised, new GP told us that he would grow out of it in an exasperated voice). Angry.

I agree with the poster who said best to visit GP as little as possible.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 24/02/2011 20:43

YANBU re the GP behaving like a twat. I would put a written complaint in to the Practice Manager.

YAB a little bit U re your son. He is a normal boy. He is also taking the pee massively. I still get DD2 wandering downstairs for water/a biscuit/a wee/can't sleep etc etc etc. A thousand and one excuses and she is 13! So I do understand where you are coming from.

I ignore her. Completely. She may well still be coming downstairs but she does sleep through now and has done since she was 3. You need to ignore your son. If he gets into your bed, put him back in his own. And again, and again and again. Until he gets the message.

He's old enough by a long way to understand consequences so make a wall chart and stick to it. And try one of those little plug nightlights if you haven't already.

thisisyesterday · 24/02/2011 20:43

actually i will say one more thing, i woildn't leave him to cry or lock him in his room. that is one oft he most horrid things i've heard on here!

there are gentle sleep training methods though. but as you don't need advice i won't give any

nickschick · 24/02/2011 20:44

I know stoppin and now im Sad you think im being arsey with you.

Ive been in your place both with a child that has sleep problems and a v unsympathetic Gp who to be fair did acknowledge his wrongdoing when ds was diagnosed with an illness the Gp told me 6 years before simply didnt exist.

Bearcrumble · 24/02/2011 20:44

Maybe he really is scared - lots of kids are frightened of being alone at night. It makes me sad to see so many people dismissing what may be very real fears to the OP's DS.

Stoppinching When you are not feeling so stressed could you talk to DS about nighttimes? Find out what is bothering him. Try not to use too many direct questions but start with something like "seems like you couldn't sleep on your own last night..." and wait for him to speak and then just nod and say 'mmm' or 'uh-huh' when he stops talking to prompt him to carry on. Maybe you will get some insight into what's going on, or maybe you won't but it's worth a try.

Also you could try stretching out his pre-sleep routing a bit. Sit with him for a while longer after you've read him a story and go through everything he's done - kind of tell him the story of his day and then let him know you are available if he needs you.
If he knows he can come he might not need to.

Bearcrumble · 24/02/2011 20:44

routing = routine.

StarExpat · 24/02/2011 20:45

Very good and interesting post, cory. I had not thought of it that way. DS is 2y 4mo and still comes into our bed at some point in the night. We aren't bothered by it and we aren't having another, so it's not like we need to make room for another baby, but I do get a bit Blush about it when other people look Shock if I tell them.

I just think he wants to sleep with us. I enjoy the cuddles. I don't think I'm a failure of a parent.