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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect this doctor to be in some trouble!!

209 replies

stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 19:44

Evening ...I wont make this too long!

I went to the doctors earlier today with my DS. He has never slept a night through since he was born. He is now almost 5 and its come to breaking point. None of us are getting enough rest and it is seriously affecting his behaviour and concentration!!
Now im pretty he doesnt have ADHD as some people seem all to keen to label him with however i do need some proffesional advice on how to make him sleep.

Please dont anyone say "Just leave him scream" etc etc ..We have a 2 yr old DD who sleeps really well and if he screams he disturbs her!

Ok so long story short got to the doctors and he started with "So he has conjunctivitis,yes this is common in children blah blah" I replied "no thats not why im here im here for some proffesional advice on how to get him sleeping through the night as he has sleep problems" He then got a bit angry and said i should speak to my h/v. I told him they dont want to know now he is at school. So he then banged his hands loudly on the table,grabbed his hair and gritted his teeth!!! He was really angry!! He was shouting that he is a gp and its not his problem and why am i there!! He made me feel like a complete waste of space then said "ill refer him but now YOUR making it medical and i dont like it" so i left!!

Im so so angry but more than that im upset :( it has taken me weeks to make this appointment because im so terrified they will try to label him :( i just want him to be able to sleep so we can at least know if its the lack of sleep that makes his behaviour bad at times :(

AIBU to complain tomorrow and expect the doctor to apologise to me in person??

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 24/02/2011 20:18

ANd at age five you can use reward charts and he will understand, that combined with taking him back to bed will work you just have to put up with being knackered for a while - drink lots of coffee and understand that this is a short term thing which will bring long term benefits.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:19

Who said anything about melatonin? i sure didnt? what the hell is it?! Sleep clinic being my last resort! I am sleep deprived and so is he! Im tearful. I didnt ask you all to give me parenting advice i asked if the doctor was being unreasonable.

Activate to answer you. On a good night he gets in and falls asleep yet we dont sleep fully on a bad one like last night he spends all night crying in his sleep ...no matter which bed he is in. I cant let him scream it isnt fair on my dd. :)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2011 20:19

You've probably thought of this but could he have a pull out bed at the side of yours?

ragged · 24/02/2011 20:20

Very weird.
But um... why are you so sure it would be bad to label your DS, OP? I am sitting on my hands with ref. to DS2 who I think, at the very least, is at the ADHD end of the 'normal' spectrum. I would be open-minded if anyone professional suggested an ADHD diagnosis.

and did your DS actually have cj, too?

StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2011 20:20

Also, I do sympathise about the sleep training, but did you not look after your 2yo DS when you were sleep deprived with a newborn? This could not be as bad as that, but you managed it then

KenDoddsDadsDog · 24/02/2011 20:20

It's not acceptable for the doctor to behave like this. I understand that no sleep can have you at breaking point. Hopefully you will get lots of support here from others who have come out the other side.

curlymama · 24/02/2011 20:20

So you admit that you could sleep train then?

But you just dont want to because you think it would be easier to go at get the GP to magically fix it all for you so you don't have to bother making the effort. God forbid you should have to look after a child while you are tired.

How did you cope when your dd was born? Or how do you think parents cope when they have their third or fourth baby, and they get little sleep but still have other children to look after?

activate · 24/02/2011 20:21

yes the doctor was being unreasonable to lose his temper, of course he was

but I think you are unreasonable to not deal with your problem when you actually know the solution but fear it because you'll be exhausted

it's short-term and in the long-run you will be far better for it

there are a million and one sleep training techniques but bribery / rewards and putting him back to bed without fail are the main ones

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:21

Stealthpolarbear- Thank you :) This is an idea and maybe we could begin the seperation by doing this for a short while. :)

Activate i see you are able to cope amazingly with sleep deprivation.. a 40 hr a week job and two dc . well done and thank you for your critisism advice

OP posts:
tl10 · 24/02/2011 20:22

If an adult suffered from nightmares and imsomnia I'd hope they wouldn't get that response from a GP. As for NHS resources- the poster has gone because she is concerned about her son and it is having an impact on the family- people don't go to the doctors for fun (generally). She has done the responsible thing in taking her son and did not deserve to be spoken to in such a patronising manner- her other child is a good comparison and proof that her son is clearly distressed. Would it be better if she'd left it until her son got singled out at school and she possibly ended up with depression because of the lack of sleep? Really rude and arrogant on behalf of the GP and shows a complete lack of empathy- if he is angry underneath at the lack of clarity between the HV's role and his own he should have kept her out of it. I would complain big time OP I am appalled for you.

activate · 24/02/2011 20:22

you will be very surprised what 2 year olds can sleep through

StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2011 20:22

And actually I wouldn;t even call it sleep training at his age. I have never done sleep training (that I know of - but who knows what I might have done at 3am exhausted :o) but now DS is almost 4 I can growl "go back to bed, it is the middle of the night. Do not wake me for a while or you will be in BIG TROUBLE"
That's not sleep training, it's just parenting, surely?

ragged · 24/02/2011 20:23

I mention the conjtis because that would be keeping him awake if it's chronic.
I speak as someone who never resorts to antibiotics for cjtis any more, but I do give pain killers. I just wondered if your son's bad sleep had to do with other physical aches and pains.

StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2011 20:24

good luck
YANBU to want some cnostructive advice (what has your HV said so far?) and the doc should not have ranted at you - needs to stay professional IMO

thisisyesterday · 24/02/2011 20:24

yes, you should complain because he was totally unprofessional and unpleasant

that isn't to say i disagree with what he was saying though because I do think he is right in that this is a parenting issue rather than a medical one.

your HV certainly should not be fobbing you off with "he's at school now", but giving you advice on where to go or what to do

I hope that you get some help from the people you've been referred to, but it might also be worth starting another thread on here to see if anyone else has been through something similar and has any techniques you could use? it doesn't have to involve letting him cry but it probably will involve a few nights of you or your husband/partner being up a lot and tired the next day... but that's worth it surely in the long run?

justcarrots29 · 24/02/2011 20:24

This quite an odd situation - as far as I am aware it is not unusual for a child to wake in the night. My own dd woke up to 15 times a night as a baby and aged 5 still wakes twice a night for no reason. Some people are just lighter sleepers. I really do not think this is a problem for the doctor. It is a habit and he will eventually grow out of it or learn to self settle.

Yes you do need to sleep train. Your dd may be woken up. Unfortunately this is the problem with having more than one child. You cannot put off sleep training just because you have another child.

However, the go sounds like he was having a hard day. He was out of order but it sounds like he didn't understand why you were visiting him.

cumfy · 24/02/2011 20:24

Think it's very important to seperate the 2 problems.

  1. Your GP clearly has a problem. YANBU to report him. You probably didn't have bags under your eyes and he hadn't slept for 24 hours or something!

Where did he refer DS ?

  1. The sleep problems seem relatively minor, if irritating. It seems there'll be something you can do. There's loads of books on Amazon for example.
EveWasFramed72 · 24/02/2011 20:25

Sorry, OP...I'm a bit with the folks here who are questioning what you wanted the GP to do...

You will be exhausted for the week it takes to sleep train him, and it will be hard work to care for both children when you are so tired. But, you're exhausted now, so if it's the difference between being exhausted forever with no end in sight, and being beat for the time it takes to get him sleeping in his own bed...it might be worth it in the long run.

I don't agree with the doctor's reaction, but I think I understand why he was frustrated...there isn't really a whole lot that he can do for you in this situation.

activate · 24/02/2011 20:25

I cope very badly with sleep deprivation which is why my kids were trained to sleep through at an early age - yes it's shit to be knackered all the time.

you're not the only one with more than one child, not the only one with a job

take a week off - between you

and deal with it

nickschick · 24/02/2011 20:26

I think the Dr was very wrong in his reaction,but I do also think there was very little he could do for you at this point.

Also your attitude might not have helped the situation.

Original poster
stoppinchingthedummy · 24/02/2011 20:26

Curlymama believe me this is not about being easy we have tried all the sleep training ..do you think we got to almost 5 and thought "ooh maybe we should sleep train him" NO we have been going through this since he was born .He has always been a nightmare sleeper!! I wanted the doctor to listen to me,reassure me at best that i can do this but no instead im made to feel shit! for all you who are jumping on that bandwagon HIP HIP HOORAY!!

For whoever said about dealing with it when my dd was born and night feeding ,yes it was tough then however waking to feed a newborn is somewhat different to listening to my almost 5 year old screaming "mummy dont leave me i love you im scared i miss you" etc etc breaks my fucking heart!!!

OP posts:
vjg13 · 24/02/2011 20:27

Your GP did overreact but would you be ok about what he'd said if it was delivered in a calmer manner and you'd left without a referral?

activate · 24/02/2011 20:28

bribery
reward chart

and as the other poster said shouting at him to be quiet and go to sleep it's nightime

GwendolineMaryLacey · 24/02/2011 20:29

The point here isn't what the op wanted, but the behaviour of the doctor. It doesn't matter what she was asking, that is shocking behaviour on his part. It doesn't matter what may or may not be going on in his own life, he should leave that at the door. It makes me so angry that people will accept this kind of thing from doctors because they're seen as some sort of god. You wouldn't accept it from a sales assistant or a taxi driver or a teacher, so why accept it from him?

curlymama · 24/02/2011 20:29

But doctors aren't there to reassure you about your parenting.

It does sound horrible for you, but up until your last post all you said was that he woke up, got in your bed, then kept you awake tossing and turning. There are things you can do, and I don't believe you have done them all if you are that worried about him waking up your dd.

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