to send 4 year old ds to bed at 5pm because he won't eat anything I've made tonight or any other night?

[lotuseener]

My 4 year old has major problems with food. He has gotten progressively worse since his refusal to eat certain foods started at around 18 months. He currently will only eat plain boiled white rice, pasta with butter or cream cheese only mixed in, smooth yogurt,
weetabix, cheerios, and very occasionally toast or crackers. He will absolutely not eat any fruit or vegetables of any kind, not even potatoes. He will not eat meat, chicken or fish of any kind, not even fish fingers. He won't eat hard cheese, peanut butter,eggs, soup or fruit smoothies.

He has an absolute obsession with sugar, so much that we cannot keep any treats in the cupboards. If he knows there is a pack of biscuits in the fridge or ice lollies in the freezer he will obsess over them from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. Going out anywhere that serves or sells food is extremely difficult as he obsesses about what sugary food he can get. For example, we were just at a birthday party where he refused to participate in any of the party games because he knew there was birthday cake there and couldn't focus on anything other than the birthday cake. He asked me about the cake every 5 minutes for the whole 2 hours and did nothing else at the party except cling to me and ask about the cake.

DH and I have tried all the advice we have read about- sticker charts, having him cook with me, having him shop with me, not making a big deal about it, letting him serve himself, etc, etc. A few days ago ds and I made banana bread together, but he made it very clear as we were baking that he would not eat any of it because he doesn't like bananas. He loves to cook and bake with me but will not eat what we make together.

We have made a rule that he has to eat one bite of whatever we are having for dinner before he can get up from the table and do not make special meals for him at dinner any more. This means he puts one bite in his mouth and chews and chews but physically cannot bring himself to swallow. He will either gag his food out or cry to spit it in the bin.

Of course I feel like this is all my fault and beat myself up about it constantly. I desperately want to get to the root of this and help him as I feel this has got to be something greater than just fussy eating. This causes a lot of stress for myself and dh and we fear that he isn't getting the basic nutrition he needs to thrive.

His nursery has been most unhelpful, depsite my pleas for help and advice. He will sit at snack time and pick out every sultana from his scone before he eats the scone. I have picked him up on days where they think that they have finally gotten him to have a bite of apple only to find that the apple is still in his mouth an hour and a half after snack time. As he is a Febuary birthday I have decided to defer his entry to Primary 1 largely based on his problems with eating food.

I have an appointment with the GP on Monday to demand a referral to someone, but I don't know what type of professional can help us. A dietician? I have addressed this issue with the GP before only to be told that he looks healthy and is obviously thriving.

I may be posting in the wrong place but I need some help and some advice please. I don't want to be causing more problems in the long run for my son by doing things like (calmly) sending him to bed early if he won't eat his dinner.

Hi - I am not an expert but it sounds like you really do need some professional help. From what you have posted there obviously is an issue with food (and it is NOT your fault), he isn't just being "naughty" or stubborn and you really mustn't let the GP put you off. I don't know who will be able to help but a dietician who specialises in children or something, hopefully someone will be along soon who will have more first-hand knowledge (I have a friend whose ds1 had real food problems and I think they got help for him via the health visitor, but this was when he was younger than your ds).

Sorry not much help but you sound like you are in a difficult place. Hopefully the appointment with the GP will help.

Well, to answer your thread title, YABU. This is clearly a deep rooted issue and not simply naughty behaviour.

To be more constructive, I think you're doing the right thing asking for a referral and I think you should be looking at getting him seen by a child psychologist/psychiatrist who specialises in eating disorders.

Is he obsessive in other ways or just about sugary foods?

My 4 year old has had eating problems .yanbu to worry about it ...My ds wont eat any wet food ...by wet i mean absolutly anything with juice,sauce etc ..so very little in the way of a hot meal ..infact the only hot meal he will eat is an omlette ..and thats only over the past 6 months since we made one together ...Well i let him do the majority of it then i put a little on a plate for him and a little for me and made a huge fuss about how amazing it tasted and he had made mummy a lovely meal and i was so proud ...he forgot about not eating it and began to eat it. I dont think sending him to bed is going to help tbh ,does he play in his room when he is up there? I know you say you have done the not making a fuss but dont react at all ...make food for him ..begin with a couple of the things he likes on his plate and 1 thing he doesnt like and ask him just to lick it ..just ask him once or twice and if he doesnt ,remove the plate,dont say a word but do this every meal until he tastes the one thing ..it will take time but he will get better with time and as long as he isnt starving himself then i dont worry too much :)

Gosh, that sounded really harsh. I'm not saying he has an eating disorder as such, just that you need someone who specialises in this type of thing.

I crop up on all of these threads to champion my nephew who barely ate and didn't sleep because of it. My sister got a child psychologist to come and sort it out, it took about three appointments...

My nephew had a bad association with food, something to do with a frightful tummy bug that lasted for 8 weeks when he was a baby.

If you want to pm me I'd be more than happy to tell you more.

My DD eats only what your DS eats...basialy white foods and also cucumber, raw carrot and some fruits (we're lucky with that)

I ignore it. She sits and picks th meat and potatoes from her plate and puts them on side plate...I say nothing as I am sure she will grow out of this She's a healthy weight...is your son a healthy weight?

He might do better once he starts at school and sees the other children eating? (personally I wouldn't make packed lunches - rod for own back). If he's 'thriving' it does sound like he's getting enough of what he needs to grow - is he often sick or tired for example or does he run around with bags of energy?
sure you'll get some good advice here. ds1 is fussy but he has got a bit better with age

Wimple....surely you need to seek help if that's all she eats?

This might be idiotic but what about a chocolate fountain. We have a chocolate fondue thing that dd's brother (who has food issues) will happily dip a load of fruit in.

Otherwise I agree that a referral might be necessary.

lotuseener, you have just described my DS1! Except he doesn't obsess about sugary stuff. We did get a referral at age 3,and he was diagnosed High Functioning Autism. He did have other issues, but luckily has the ability to learn how to change his behaviour. You would never know if you met him that he was on the spectrum-unless food comes into the equation! He hates the smell of food, watching people eat etc. It is like he lives in a world where everyone is doing one of the eating trials from I'm a Celeb.
He is in a Prep school, and they must eat the school dinners. They have been brilliant. The cooks try to tempt him every day, he is allowed a bread roll. He used to have this dry,now has butter on it. And has had plain rice on occasion. He has started smelling sweetcorn,. He now eats the cake pudding,and likes the jam.
The dietician was brill. She said just relax. I don't allow too many sweets or treats-she may be able to advise you .
I'm not for a minute suggesting that your son is ASD. But theses food issues are very common in high functioning autistic kids. There is a book called Can't Eat Won't Eat which we found very good.
Here.

If he is thriving please try not to get too stressed. Demand the referral to dietician.And maybe post in Parenting too?

Def need to see a specialist about it, he seems to have issues with food (have you seen any of BBC3s "Freaky Eaters"?). Not sure that sending him to bed will help though, as he doesnt seem to be being naughty...

Imagine if a child had anorexia, sending them to bed wouldnt encourage them to eat. In fact it may have a negative impact if they feel they are being punished for something when theyre not being naughty.

Don't bother sending him to his room. I was like your DS when I was a child (up until about 9yo - my poor mother) and it would have been my dream to have been sent up to my room, rather than having to stay at the dinner table.

I remember too well the horrible gagging as a result of being told I had to eat something.

I think if you are really worried,and your DS is very underweight, then speak to HV or GP. I feel for you OP, as my DS doesn't eat much either, but once it gets to the gagging/crying/almost-phobia stage, there's no point using punishments.

Hope you can get some good help from the HV/GP. Good luck.

I really wouldn't punish your child, I don't think he can help it.

Try not to take it personally. I often felt that my children wouldn't eat it because I had cooked it but I don't think that was true at all.
Don't cook anything for him again.Stick to that. Do not make anything for him that you have made yourself. Give him straight- from- the- tin items so you are not putting your heart and soul into the food.Then you won't feel as upset when he refuses it, gags or spits it out.
Make food for yourself and ignore his childish behaviour. Try to keep calm. He WILL grow out of it.

I have a 6yo who is just as bad. Though he'll eat some fruit/veg, bread, oatcakes, cheese (only double gloucester), yoghurts (only one brand), plain crisps (only walkers). We're just getting him onto oven chips (as he'll eat chips when we're out). For us it's the lack of protein that is a problem. Ds won't try anything new.

We think it's down to his constant stomach aches and terrible constipation as a baby/toddler. He never really took to solid foods and believe me this is the best he has been.

I hate to say it but ime of talking to other parents with the same problems the only time you'll get any help is if your child is hospitalised due to lack of eating. Even then in most cases it was limited to a dietician who could tell you what your child should be eating but not how to get them to do it. I found the NHS guidelines once and it comes down to most children, however bad, grow out of it eventually so there's no point doing anything. You might find your HV is some help but it depends on the HV - mine had never come across a child as bad as ds so wasn't much use (ds wasn't really eating at all at the time).

On the plus side as long as your child is a reasonable weight and seems healthy enough then there isn't anything to worry about health wise. A vitamin supplement may help.

We've just started BLW with dd (6 months) and she's practically already tried more foods than ds will eat

Ds also got sent to bed early tonight cos of mucking about with dinner

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful posts. I have tears in my eyes realizing that I am punishing him by sending him to bed and possily causing more problems. Dh has read these posts too and we have decided that will not send him to bed early for not eating. He is already asleep now or I would have scooped him up and brought him downstairs. When we have sent him to bed early he has slept from 6pm until I have had to wake him at 7:30 for nusery.

To answer some questions- the only other thing that he constantly obsesses over is the televison. He always wants to watch cartoons/dvds (the same ones over and over again. He cannot enjoy time at the park, soft play, etc without having to know that he can watch tv when he gets home. We have to make a big effort to keep the tv off and set limits on it as the obsessive questions about watching cartoons are endless.

He is not a sickly child. Most bugs and viruses seem to skip him and go straight to his 18 month old brother who eats everything. His weight has not changed in well over a year though, maybe even longer. He has an ok amount of energy but not loads. He gets very tired at the end of the day and complains endlessly if he has to walk further than the end of our street. He still wants to be in the pushchair every time we go out but I have taken the 2nd seat of of it now so he does not have the option.

I have tried sweet dips for fruit like chocolate or honey but he will just lick of the sweet and refuse the fruit.

Marking place for when I can get on my laptop

lotus....I can't recommend a child psychologist enough.

What happens if you just stop giving him the food that he will only eat? I'd be tempted just not to have it in the house to be honest and see what happens,I doubt he'd starve himself, but I am aware that may not be a popular school of thought. Sounds very stressful for you.

valium...I think that's tantamount to cruelty, the OP's child sounds as if he has serious issues around food.

I have racked my brain trying to think of things that could have triggered this at 18 months but I can't think of anything. I know if there is something a child psychologist will have the tools to find it.

I have watched Freaky Eaters and am very worried that ds will be like this if I do not get help for him. I know a lovely young woman who was very similar to my son when she was a child and still can only eat a few things, a margherita pizza is as exotic as her tastes go. It has an enormous impact of her personal life and effects her socializing with her friends when anything may potentailly involve food.She eats her lunch in private at work because of the teasing she gets from her colleagues from eating only a peanut butter and jam on white bread sandwich for lunch 5 days a week.

I don't want this to be ds in 20 years.

Oh no. Definitely don't punish. He may have some sort of food phobia.

My DS was like this apart from the obsession with sugary things. In fact he certainly didn't have an obsession with food at all which I think was the problem. I used to get well meaning advice about not allowing him the foods he would eat (basically buttered bagels and yoghurts) unless he tried something new but to be honest if I told him he couldn't have a bagel if he didn't try some chicken he'd just shrug his shoulds and not eat anything. He just wasn't interested in food.

My view however was that as long as he had enough energy to do what he needed to do and wasn't seriously under weight I wasn't going to stress about it.If people did make a fuss he would get very upset and almost have a panic attack about it.

I did start to encourage him to try new things though but never forced it. He decided he liked sweetcorn and I made a big thing about the fact that once he wouldn't eat sweetcorn and now he loved it and there must be loads of other things he would like if only he would try.

When he was 9 I think the penny seemed to drop (I actually think as he was growing he was becoming hungrier and he was getting bored with his very limited diet)and for his New years resolution he decided that he would try more things and it really worked. He realised there were somethings he liked and some that he didn't. If he didn't like soemthing then he didn't have to try it again and that seemed to help.

He now likes to cook with his Dad (I am a purely functional cook) and they come up with recipes that DS will eat including lots of herbs and spices.

Maybe it is worth seeing your GP or HV but I really think you need to back off for a while because I'm sure it's making the situation worse.

I remember seeing a documentary about a dietician who dealt with children with eating problems. She basically said there were two main problems with children who have food issues . Children who had a phobia of food for whatever reason and children who used it as an attention seeking measure to control their parents (these tend to be the children who will eat toast when it's cut horizonatally and not diagonally type of thing).

She also asked the parents what food they really disliked and then 'encouraged' them to eat it by standing over them saying things like 'eat it' 'try some' 'Go on. Go on try some now' to try and impress on the parents what a counterproductive and pointless exercise it was.

WEll....I guess a cp will find out! They did lots of work on little angels....

And no definately don't take it personally. It's nothing you've done.

DS's younger brother eats absolutely everything and is probably the only 5 year old who took black olives to school as his morning snack!!!