to send 4 year old ds to bed at 5pm because he won't eat anything I've made tonight or any other night?

[lotuseener]

My 4 year old has major problems with food. He has gotten progressively worse since his refusal to eat certain foods started at around 18 months. He currently will only eat plain boiled white rice, pasta with butter or cream cheese only mixed in, smooth yogurt,
weetabix, cheerios, and very occasionally toast or crackers. He will absolutely not eat any fruit or vegetables of any kind, not even potatoes. He will not eat meat, chicken or fish of any kind, not even fish fingers. He won't eat hard cheese, peanut butter,eggs, soup or fruit smoothies.

He has an absolute obsession with sugar, so much that we cannot keep any treats in the cupboards. If he knows there is a pack of biscuits in the fridge or ice lollies in the freezer he will obsess over them from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. Going out anywhere that serves or sells food is extremely difficult as he obsesses about what sugary food he can get. For example, we were just at a birthday party where he refused to participate in any of the party games because he knew there was birthday cake there and couldn't focus on anything other than the birthday cake. He asked me about the cake every 5 minutes for the whole 2 hours and did nothing else at the party except cling to me and ask about the cake.

DH and I have tried all the advice we have read about- sticker charts, having him cook with me, having him shop with me, not making a big deal about it, letting him serve himself, etc, etc. A few days ago ds and I made banana bread together, but he made it very clear as we were baking that he would not eat any of it because he doesn't like bananas. He loves to cook and bake with me but will not eat what we make together.

We have made a rule that he has to eat one bite of whatever we are having for dinner before he can get up from the table and do not make special meals for him at dinner any more. This means he puts one bite in his mouth and chews and chews but physically cannot bring himself to swallow. He will either gag his food out or cry to spit it in the bin.

Of course I feel like this is all my fault and beat myself up about it constantly. I desperately want to get to the root of this and help him as I feel this has got to be something greater than just fussy eating. This causes a lot of stress for myself and dh and we fear that he isn't getting the basic nutrition he needs to thrive.

His nursery has been most unhelpful, depsite my pleas for help and advice. He will sit at snack time and pick out every sultana from his scone before he eats the scone. I have picked him up on days where they think that they have finally gotten him to have a bite of apple only to find that the apple is still in his mouth an hour and a half after snack time. As he is a Febuary birthday I have decided to defer his entry to Primary 1 largely based on his problems with eating food.

I have an appointment with the GP on Monday to demand a referral to someone, but I don't know what type of professional can help us. A dietician? I have addressed this issue with the GP before only to be told that he looks healthy and is obviously thriving.

I may be posting in the wrong place but I need some help and some advice please. I don't want to be causing more problems in the long run for my son by doing things like (calmly) sending him to bed early if he won't eat his dinner.

My 9 year old will only eat plain white rice, plain pasta with butter, cheerios, weetabix, porridge, plain toast with butter. Plain cheese sandwiches.
Yes he occasionally eats some plain meat, fish fingers or cheese sauce or shop cheese and tomato pizza, and yes he does eat lots of raw veg and fruit. But,

he hates coloured sauces, mashed potato, shepherd's pie, mayonnaise in anything, milk to drink, any cooked veg, fruit yoghurts, jam, stewed or cooked fruit of any description, cream

He like your child, is very healthy and thriving. I decided quite a long time ago that he could eat what suited HIM without me going to much trouble (after all it is not the end of the world to cook your child plain pasta or plain rice) and everything is FINE. I have two other children. Mealtimes can be badtempered for other reasons, and he obviously is a FUSSY eater compared to some children, but like your child he is getting foods from all the ood groups, so to me there is no real problem. I KNOW he will expand his range as he has already started eating lots of extra raw veg and trying new dishes occasionally, whereas before he would scream blue murder if even a drop of shepherd's pie was on his plate.

There is hope, and I think you should see a professional, but not get overwhelmed by this idea that your child eats nothing. He eats quite a lot of things if you think about it. Protein in form of cream cheese and yoghurt. Rice, pasta and cereal contain lots of good vitamins etc. A stressed child is never hungry. I don't think anyone who is revolted by something was ever made to eat it by threats or standoffs or rules. I know this from my experience with my three children. The only thing that did work (sometimes) was the stealth approach. Pay no attention, give them food as snacks that you might have given at mealtimes, get them used to idea that mealtimes are not an ordeal or a test.Don't even praise them for eating good things. Be neutral about what are good or bad foods. Take the heat out of the situation.
I think all children are obsessed by sugar biscuits cakes juice, that to me is entirely normal! After all he wants to show enthusiasm for some food - perhaps he feels much safer being enthusiastic about food that he associates with celebrations and socialising in general - to him it is food you relax with..

Anyway, you have my sympathy; I saw a dietician and then ENT person or pysch? can't remember with ds2 when he was 11 months about hs food texture phobias and it was extremely helpful. also said things that were fascinating like try him on crisps and meringues (not the sort of food you would think healthy for an 11 month old, but it worked just to get him used to textures that he was phobic about - sometimes professionals are better at seeing overview. I have to say dietician was less helpful as she kept suggesting casseroles (!)which he still eats only very warily...but he does eat bits of them 8 years later so there you go...

JarethTheGoblinKing - Found a new target have you? Mamadiva - From what you list as acceptable foods, ie fat and sugar with a bit of protein, your DC will feel much too full for veg or fruit.

I have posted further upthread about my DSs food issues which thankfully now aged 10 seem to be sorting themselves out.

He doesn't have SN however when he was first born he was in SCBU and was fed by a tube up his nose for the first two days. He was then EBF for the next 6 months and then formula fed. From about 6 weeks old he used to vomit profusely. Sometimes straight after a feed and sometimes several hours later. Never found a medical reason for it and it stopped when he was about 14 months old.

He was never very keen on his milk and when weaning he never ate much either. I do wonder if those early days had some affect on his feeding later in life. It wasn't like he hit the terrible twos and became a poor eater he was a poor eater from the outset

No, do not go out of your way to make food fun.

Back Off.

Chatelaine I don't think it's acceptable at all but that is literally the only things he will allow to pass his lips!

I would rather he ate fruit and veg and less shite but sadly it does not seem to be working out that way :(

Sometimes you just can't help but give into them like I said we did go down the dietician route but they kept fobbing uff with the fact that there are lots of fussy eaters and there is nothing wrong bla bla bla. We were told to try starving him unless he ate what we did 'as no healthy child will starve themselves', so that obviously not why DS almost ended up in hospital on a drip to build his strength and fluids up again

btw my fussy eater child is borderline SN (and school has placed him as needing SN help)in terms of sensory overload issues - hates having head touched, loud noises, too many people, very particular about what he likes and dislikes, but otherwise not diagnosed as having SN.

chat. If you're such an expert please please cone to my house and cure DS, if you have the answer I want to hear it.

lotuseener
I feel for you desperately. Your son sounds like my son did, at 2 years old. He would only ever eat rice based foods, milky stuff and sugary stuff. I was so worried. I got NOWHERE with the gp. "toddlers are fussy, dont worry".

He collapsed on holiday in Poland, and was diagnosed with severe Iron deficient Anemia. The doctor said this would explain his fussiness, as iron deficient children rarely had an appetite, and seemed to prefer carbohydrates such as as rice, and milky food, which did them no good, but kept them chubby, so doctors were pleased with their growth.

With his blood count on paper, I got a referral to a dietician, back in the UK. His bloodcount was only 59 (should be over a hundred I was told), but he was allergic to ferrum, so had to increase his iron levels by normal multivitamin with iron, and diet alone. Not fun, when he only wanted yoghurt's and rice. I spent hourse researching how to build up iron reserves through normal diet.

We got there in the end. I now have a normal thriving 8 year old who loves smoked salmon, prawns, beef stew, and basically anything you put on his plate.

Having a child with a restricted diet, who clearly is not well, is such a worry. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

I have had 3 glasses of wine, so please bear with me if my post has no relevance to you, really.

Shimmery, I just saw your post, thank you x

mamadiva - you are not the OP! It's not about you

Not about you either, attention seeking much?

Eh? Funnily enough I had realised that Chat...

I was replying to you as you seemed to have made the assumption that I was happy to feed my child shite so it was my fault he ate no fruit or veg!

I'm sorry but that is not how it is and I am entitled to reply or is that not the point of a forum?

have you guys scared off the op?

I don't know anything about food issues so can't comment. Except to say Im so sorry , I can see why you are all stressed

I only wanted to comment about the school issues.iit's very common in Scotland to defer entry for Jan and feb children, so there won't be any problem withthe OP doing this.

I've also had 2 glassesof wine so hope this makes sense

OP there is a similar case in my family. I am ashamed to say that I was a bit like pudenda and chatelaine. I judged, and thought it was simple. But the child in question got worse. He has been referred to a specialist team and is waiting for an appointment.

Someone upthread said: They have to eat something, but whoever thinks that some children won't starve themselves are wrong. Some children cannot eat certain foods and dieticians will recommend letting the child eat what they CAN tolerate, so that they don't shrivel up and fall over. That is absolutely true of the child in my family.

Please beware of the 'Oh, pull our socks up' advice on this thread. I hope it has not upset you. You sound sensible and insightful about your son. I second everyone who has said referral to a child psychologist or specialist team is the way to go.

OK, it looks as if the playground bullies have won the day, what do I know except to say that you refrain from problematising children, as adults just get on with it. Rarely, do children have significant medical problems with eating unless diagnosed with a problem. It's an increasing societial phenomenon brought about by the constanst availabilty of food choices and grazing lifestyles.

I know a child whose parents ate all their meals with him, no special treatment, two other children, nice family meal, all around the table at the end of the day. Far from this creating a good vibe it completely backfired. He used that meal to become centre of attention, both parents became obsessed by getting him to eat something and the whole meal became a battleground between other and father, and....he still only ate very little...He controlled the entire table, the mother used to do things like washing sauce off the meatballs (which made the father furious) I once had them to stay and it nearly drove me bats to see them fretting about what he did or didn't eat aged four. Oh no, xx doesn't like rice cooked that way, it has to be Basmati.

The main thing was that the parents were in a complete state about the food he ate. And that made him in a state. Far better to give him a boring little meal of sausage rolls and for him to eventually decide he quite wanted to try something different without anyone paying too much attention. I think Mama Diva is right. Chatelaine is also right in a way, but not quite right. No fussing, no special attention, but no harassment or ultimatums either. Just some food that the poor child will eat! I mean plain rice is not exactly evil junk! Nor is cheese toast! Nor is shreddies!

Chat excuse me but to whom are you reffering please?

Swanriver - I agree, just plain food, no fuss, no special treatment or attention, common sense.

I'm here. I just had a recorded episode of True Blood to watch. QS- I am extremely worried about his iron levels as he eats nothing that contains iron.What an awful thing to go through! I am lucky that he is a milk drinker though and I give him the full fat stuff.

I cannot thank the posters enough. You have been so thoughtful, helpful and concerned. I appreciate all of you that have shared your experiences with me. I feel a little more grounded and defintely calmer and am changing my approach to ds by not reacting and demanding a referral from my gp. I have purposefully waited for an appt with a young, newer, keen gp at my practice who is very thorough and holistic in her approach. With her I think I will have less of a chance to get the "he'll grow out of it, he is thriving".

Being as this is AIBU I wasn't sure what to expect, I could have been cowering in the corner by now, too afraid to read what you all think of me! This has not been the case, I feel so supported and listened to and feel I am going to make much better choices for my ds starting now.

There are always fuckfaces that pop up on every thread. I am choosing to ignore because the help and advice already on this thread tonight has been overwhelming in a good way.

Yawn..

Oops at x post.

Op, you'd be surprised st what contains iron, but get him checked out anyway. X