to send 4 year old ds to bed at 5pm because he won't eat anything I've made tonight or any other night?

[lotuseener]

My 4 year old has major problems with food. He has gotten progressively worse since his refusal to eat certain foods started at around 18 months. He currently will only eat plain boiled white rice, pasta with butter or cream cheese only mixed in, smooth yogurt,
weetabix, cheerios, and very occasionally toast or crackers. He will absolutely not eat any fruit or vegetables of any kind, not even potatoes. He will not eat meat, chicken or fish of any kind, not even fish fingers. He won't eat hard cheese, peanut butter,eggs, soup or fruit smoothies.

He has an absolute obsession with sugar, so much that we cannot keep any treats in the cupboards. If he knows there is a pack of biscuits in the fridge or ice lollies in the freezer he will obsess over them from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. Going out anywhere that serves or sells food is extremely difficult as he obsesses about what sugary food he can get. For example, we were just at a birthday party where he refused to participate in any of the party games because he knew there was birthday cake there and couldn't focus on anything other than the birthday cake. He asked me about the cake every 5 minutes for the whole 2 hours and did nothing else at the party except cling to me and ask about the cake.

DH and I have tried all the advice we have read about- sticker charts, having him cook with me, having him shop with me, not making a big deal about it, letting him serve himself, etc, etc. A few days ago ds and I made banana bread together, but he made it very clear as we were baking that he would not eat any of it because he doesn't like bananas. He loves to cook and bake with me but will not eat what we make together.

We have made a rule that he has to eat one bite of whatever we are having for dinner before he can get up from the table and do not make special meals for him at dinner any more. This means he puts one bite in his mouth and chews and chews but physically cannot bring himself to swallow. He will either gag his food out or cry to spit it in the bin.

Of course I feel like this is all my fault and beat myself up about it constantly. I desperately want to get to the root of this and help him as I feel this has got to be something greater than just fussy eating. This causes a lot of stress for myself and dh and we fear that he isn't getting the basic nutrition he needs to thrive.

His nursery has been most unhelpful, depsite my pleas for help and advice. He will sit at snack time and pick out every sultana from his scone before he eats the scone. I have picked him up on days where they think that they have finally gotten him to have a bite of apple only to find that the apple is still in his mouth an hour and a half after snack time. As he is a Febuary birthday I have decided to defer his entry to Primary 1 largely based on his problems with eating food.

I have an appointment with the GP on Monday to demand a referral to someone, but I don't know what type of professional can help us. A dietician? I have addressed this issue with the GP before only to be told that he looks healthy and is obviously thriving.

I may be posting in the wrong place but I need some help and some advice please. I don't want to be causing more problems in the long run for my son by doing things like (calmly) sending him to bed early if he won't eat his dinner.

I would ignore pudenda's advice (that sounds wrong, just typing it!) on this one, as for whatever reason (power strugggle, other issues) this has gone beyond just simply leaving the plate out there and him getting hungry enough to eat it. Once it has assumed that level of importance, and the diet gone that limited, you need ways back from that which aren't 'cook what you normally do, leave it there for days' because it doesn't work. My daughter would drink milk instead of eating if the food wasn't on the list, and I wasn't prepared for her to drink water for days on end with no food. In fact, the ususal advice from drs etc these days is to give them what they want to take the power struggle out of it, and once you are all relaxed, to start expanding from there, not to overwhelm them and possibly make them vomit, and have to start all over again.

The only thing I don't quite get is how 'obsessed' your son is with sweet food. My dd (who as far as I know is perfectly 'normal' LOL) goes on and on and on about sweets, lollies and cakes and it drives me crazy. So, her first reaction on going more or less anywhere would be to ask for something, however, if I made it clear she wasn't having something, then she would go off and play. The party does seem a slighly more extreme example, but I don't really get a sense of how this obsession manifests itself (is it beyond normal nagging for sweets etc?)

As for banana bread, it IS disgusting

Jareth - ditto, perhaps you could seek some further advice if you have concerns, good luck too

food being sweet makes it easier for young children to deal with btw, children naturally have a sweet tooth - their tongues taste differently to adults (who doesn't remember brocolli or cauliflower being disgusting as a child, and then learning to like it as an adult)

They have to eat something, but whoever thinks that some children won't starve themselves are wrong. Some children cannot eat certain foods and dieticians will recommend letting the child eat what they CAN tolerate, so that they don't shrivel up and fall over.

I appreciate that some people on this thread jsut don't understand, and that's just fine.. I was exactly the same before having DS. I was never going to have a fussy eater. unfortunately he had norovirus when he was 9mo, just as he was getting used to eating, and it set him back massively.

In hindsight I should have started again at 12mo as I would have done with a 6mo, but I didn't know that at the time. It also may have made bugger all difference if I'd treated him like that.

just fuck off pudenda.

Funnily enough a couple of friends of mine who have been to their GP's about their LO's poor eating have been advised, as a first step, to do what I have suggested.
OP - go to your doctor and see what they say. SN can't be diagnosed on an internet message board no matter how knowledgeable people think they are.

I don't think anyone is trying to diagnose SN pudena I certainly am not, just offering some thoughts because it would be a bit crap if a SN child WAS being punished for not being able to eat wouldn't it? and I am sure the OP would not want to continue to do so without knowing all the facts.

FGS, nobody is diagnosing SN

The experience that I am talking about is with my own child, I am just empathising with the OP.

There is a spectrum though isn't there, from picky through to SN associated food phobias. From what the OP has said her son is not just picky, and so a referral seems the best way ahead. Food issues are associated with a range of SNs so it makes sense to think about that as a possibility (also bearing in mind that there is also a range within most SNs).

Knowing the underlying cause for a problem helps to resolve it, and that's what the OP needs, a way ahead from her ds and her family. Plus I suspect that speaking to the doctor about the wider compulsion/obsession issues might mean s/he takes the problem more seriously and doesn't just come out with the "he'll eat when he is hungry" line, because for a small number of children that's just not true.

Hi op, I definitely agree with the posters who suggest seeking professional advice.

Ideally, I woud recommend asking of there is a multi-disciplinary feeding team that could assess him as he will then be seen by slt, paediatrician, psychologist, etc. If not, ask who specialises in feeding behaviour issues in your trust.

Does he have other sensory issues e.g. Dislike getting messy or playing with sand, hate labels on clothes? This could point to general sensory issues which can have a huge affect on eating.

I also agree with taking all pressure off him regard to trying new foods for the minute. Let him have some stress free meals and hopefully, this will take the
Resents off you and dh too.

Jareth are you always this confrontational with people who have a different opinion? All anyone on here is doing is offering advice based on their own experiences. You have experience with sn and I have experience of extremely fussy eaters who don't have any additional needs. The OP will only find out whether her child has SN or not by face to face consultations with professionals. I think the OP sounds worried enough without people who do not know her child speculating about what might be wrong.
No need for all the sarcastic raised eyebrows - just makes you look a twat.

Pudenda, I am not a confrontational person. I do not have experience of SN (at least, DS aside, I hope I don't )

I have experience of children with very fussy eating habits. Some of them only eat Bernard Mathews dinosaur shapes for a reason. They were never offered anything else.

Some of them are repulsed by foods of a certain texture, and the methods you suggest (food down, ignore) dosen't workwith them

Apologies for telling you to fuck off.. it's a very touchy subject for me, but that's no excuse.

Do NOT say I look like a twat.

Too late but I won't say it again

?

I meant I have already said that you look like a twat so it's too late not too. But I apologise and will keep my potty mouth under control forthwith.

to even

Good.

:(

Why sad?

You need to eat together as a family, that means getting a routine together, food, a meal is on offer ONCE and cleared away. End of. No grazing.

Chatelaine, have you actually bothered to read the thread?

Thank heavens for all the sympathetic people who have tried to understand. Have seen some horrid threads in the past on eating, with people advocating treatment that is downright cruel.

OP, I do hope this thread has helped and that your GP is supportive.

Speaking as someone who was an extremely 'fussy' child, with an even more extreme little sister, I am horrified by people who want to bully small children who have real problems around food. Had enough of that myself - not from my poor mother, although God knows, she tried everything, but from bastard adults who seized the chance to inflict misery on me and my sister.

Good news for OP is I grew out of it and my sister's a lot better these days.

My DS sounds like yours and I would never do this, there is no point he will (hopefully) grow out of it at some point!

We have went down several routes, no choice eat what we have or don't eat (he starved for 4 days on HV advice), allergy testing and feeding him whatever he wants with a slight compramise.

The latter seems to be working the best, it's not ideal and is certainly VERY frustrating but it won't last forever. Contrary to popular belief I don't think for one minute that fussy eating is brought on by parents unless extreme revulsion etc.

My DS will eat: Shreddies, cornflakes with a bit of honey and weetabix for breaksfast

Honey/Jam/Butter OR lemon curd sandwich for lunch

Chicken nuuggets, cold sausage rolls, smiley faces , french toast, cheese on toast, toast and butter for dinner.

Banana, raisins, chipsticks, quavers, fromage frais, cake and bscuits for snacks.

That is his entire diet nothing else will pass his lips no veg, no other fruits literally nothing! It is stressful but there is'nt really much I can do excpet encourage him to eat other stuff.

Yes, they grow out of it if there is no physiological problem. Just relaxed adults around small children (not so focused on the child) is what is needed.

Good thing its so simple for you chatelaine..

Also; you = wrong

Fucking he'll pudena have you not read jareths concerns for her own ds. I found your posts to her really attacking, perhaps a few allowances can be made here?