to think your 5 year old shouldn't be able to upset you?

[novision]

My SIL told me last week that her 5 year old DD had made her cry she had been so nasty. She had got so upset that she couldn't take her to school and my MIL did it fir her.

Now my children have reduced me to tears out of sheer bloody frustration but it's never occurred to me to take it personally.

I would also never show them I was upset.

It's a genuine question. Is it better to show your children you're hurt or show no weakness?

My 5 year old twins regularly reduce me to tears but mainly from frustration.

I will watch the thread with interest.

I think it's good to show them that their words and actions can have an effect on other people, including parents.

But it's then hugely important to show them that you still love them, and forgive them. Just doing the first can border on emotional blackmail IMO.

I don't think you should emotionally blackmail children by responding to their behaviour very personally. But I do, in principle, think it doesn't harm children to see that adults get upset sometimes, and also that their behaviour can upset others.

I'd let them know that they'd hurt my feelings - but certainly wouldn't express it by blubbing. If a 5 year-old is being that 'nasty' they should get dealt with appropriately.

My seven year old is going through a difficult phase and she has made me cry once, when I was already having a bad day. I don't think this is a bad thing as long as it's not hysterical, or frequent, or designed to provoke guilt. Crying is part of life, infrequent, but still a legitimate emotion in our house.

It's good for a child to realise that their actions have consequences, but I do not allow my children to reduce me to tears by their behaviour.

I think children become very frightened seeing adults cry. I try never to let it happen if I can help it.

I have never cried because of anything DD has done but can understand why some people may be reduced to tears, especially where children's behaviours may be more challenging.

I don't think it is wrong to show that you are hurt by a child's actions, behaviour or words. I have told children (DD or children ion my class) that what they have done or said has made me feel sad, and even at times quite cross. But it does then need to be followed up with a BUT - but I still love you, but I know you don't mean it, but I accept your apology, etc. And hthen a plan of action for next time - "Next time you are cross, what could you do differently?" And you make up straight away, once the behaviour stops. At 5y I think this is perfectly fine and acceptable.

It is not about showing weakness, it is teaching the child that their behaviour and actions do have consequences and helping them learn this. Part of parenting is teaching children that they are responible for their actions and what happens as a result of them.

I never saw my Mum cry. I saw her upset, worried, mad at us, the usual gamut of emotions, but never saw her cry. And I can say hand in heart, if I ever did, it would have frightened the life out of me. She, and our Dad, were our rocks.

So, on that basis, I don't intend to let my children see me cry. Express emotions, yes. Cry, no.

And no, I don't think your 5 year old should be able to upset you. Definitely make you frustrated! But not upset you by saying a hurtful thing. They're only 5 - you must know they really think the world of you.

I think (having been reduced to tears when mine were little) that it can be a sign that you are taking their normal behaviour as a personal attack on you, and it is perhaps not the best way to deal with it. At best, tears show a child who is mildly pushing the boundaries that they can get a big rise out of you. At worst they are scary for a young child.

I think frequent tears can be a sign of not coping/depression

Aaah poor woman! That sounds like a bad day! What did the child do?

It's good for a child to realise that their actions have consequences, but I do not allow my children to reduce me to tears by their behaviour.

I completely agree The Visitor.

I get very eye rolly when friends have told me that they were soooooooooooo hurt when their dc's told them they were mean/worst mum in the world/hate you etc - oh get over yourself! Honestly!!

I think telling them their behaviour is hurtful can be necessary, but actually a lot of the time it's better to ignore it. I'm thinking of things like "I hate you", "you're a bad mummy".

X post valium!!

I think it's strange for your children to never see you cry. It's an emotion like any other - why teach them it's for 'babies' only? If my parents hadn't cried at 'appropriate' times in my childhood I would have thought them very cold and uncaring.

I think 5 year olds are able to upset you - they sometimes hit a very raw nerve. I would try to let them know it had hurt, but I'd try no to actually cry about it in front of them.

I'm fine about mine seeing me cry - I cried last year on mother's day when they gave me their cards, and I cry at films. But I think letting them see you cry over something naughty they have done, puts too much of a responsibility on them for your wellbeing.

I think anyone who is so upset by a 5 year old they can't take them to school, is quite frankly a drama Queen and/or needs to get a grip! What will she do when the child is a teen and really kicking off?

I am nodding in agreement with JLC's posts.

The first time my child said they hated me and wished I was dead I was very very upset, he was learning about death and only four.

I wouldn't cry if they said 'I hate you mummy'. On very bad day (nothing to do with them), I have cried in front of them, a few tears of frustration or sadness. We also cry tears if there's a movie on that makes us all sad in our house (my daughter said 'I've got a funny feeling inside mummy, I don't know what it is' when she first reacted to a sad movie0.

I think it's slightly odd that we allow children to cry a lot these days (people tend not to say 'don't cry' or 'chin up' or even worse to a boy 'don't be a sissy') and for parents not to cry at all. Parents aren't rocks, they are ordinary people!

OOOO but he didn't know that.....I agree that too much of your feelings is too much for a child.

There's a difference between letting them see mum cry at a funeral or over a sad movie and letting them to reduce you to tears with bad behaviour. And I'm afraid (JamieLeeCurtis) anyone shouting 'I hate you' gets the reply 'I'm not that fond of you right now either'...

My mum cried quite often when I was young, looking back I think she was struggling to cope. It always made me feel that it was my responsibility to comfort her, and I resented having to do what I saw as a parent's job.

What a bizarre thread.

Children need to learn that nasty,bad behavior has consequences ie it can hurt people's feelings and their behavior has the ability to hurt people a lot.

It's very rare my dc are able to reduce me to tears but 2 or 3 times my dd has and sorry I've cried in the same way one errupts and think it's a good thing. On those 2 occasions madam learnt being vile is not ok,it can hurt. She got me a tissue ,said sorry,I accepted it,we moved on and her behavior improved dramatically. She learnt from it.

I think all kids are different and some can be far more wearing than others and until you've walked in that parents shoes there are no shoulds.I have 2 other kids who have never caused me to cry and I think girls are more capable of this than boys(having both).

My father was very stern,never showed emotion and that has had far more of an impact(as lovely a dad as he is) than the odd tears my mother had as a child.

Personally I think you're in danger of raising very precious, obnoxious kids if they're sheltered from the simple fact that their bad behavior can cause hurt and they are responsible for it.

Having said that continual or frequent unhinged weeping is obviously never going to be a good thing but we're not talking about that are we.

Oh yes, me too Chil - or if I'm in a good mood "Well that's a shame because I love you" - pulls the rug1

Ria - that's interesting, and sad.