to think your 5 year old shouldn't be able to upset you?

[novision]

My SIL told me last week that her 5 year old DD had made her cry she had been so nasty. She had got so upset that she couldn't take her to school and my MIL did it fir her.

Now my children have reduced me to tears out of sheer bloody frustration but it's never occurred to me to take it personally.

I would also never show them I was upset.

It's a genuine question. Is it better to show your children you're hurt or show no weakness?

I have cried in front of DS1.

But he has never been the cause because as I said, I just don't him that seriously.

When I tore my ACL he saw me crying in pain when I tried to stand on the leg too soon afterwards.

DH's aunt died last week and I had a sniffle when he told me (he was on the phone to his mum at dinner time). She was a lovely woman and far too young to die and will be missed by so many.

When he asked about my dad and then asked to see where he was buried I got a bit weepy at the grave.

I even got a bit upset when I lost one of the earrings DH bought me for my 18th.

None of these times were his doing though so there was no reason for him to feel any sort of guilt or worry about it. Just normal reactions to sad events.

My mum had PND after the birth of my youngest sibling so I saw her in tears several times when I was a pre-schooler/toddler (not sure when one becomes the other). I remember at the time thinking we'd gone too far and been too naughty and being a bit panicky about it - I remember cuddling her while she cried once - but I don't think it's had any lasting effect on me or my siblings since.

I have not read the thread beyond the first few posts, so apologies if it's moved on.

My children have reduced me to tears. Not through the "I hat eyou,you're evil" comments but through their behaviour.

It doesn't make me a bad mother and the fact that others say their children can't reduce them to tears doesn't make them a better mother than me.

My Mum used to cry (now and then) and I hated it too - but because she waould always try to cry in secret (if we saw her she would try to hide/send us away), and then would pretend everything was alright and try to patch things up with me even when I had been a total bitch.

She was doing her best, but wasn't (sting is ill isn;t) a good communicator and has a real fear of confrontation and disagreement.

What I really wanted from her when she was crying or angry, was for her to tell me what I cow I was being, that it was unacceptable, that I needed to stop. But she never did, and I hated that.

I have cried on the odd occassion in front of my DC (5 and 7) - generally out of frustration and just being worn down by a lot of bad behaviour and a generally bad day. I don't wail and say "look what you've done to Mummy!" or anything like that, but I have said things like "I'm tired and frustrated and the way you're behaving is also upsetting me - you need to stop". I don't think this is a problem - I know I wouldn;t have been upset by it if my Mum had said it.

I don't give them the cold shoulder, ignore them, hold grudges, or pretend everything is fine just for the sake of harmony. These things, in my book, are much worse.

I don't think there is any problem with the odd cry in front of DC - it really depends on the broader situation and relationship I think.

Those of you who have said they found their mothers' tears terrifying/upsetting etc mostly seem (from reading your brief posts) to have had other issues going on as well, which gave the tears a different context.

My dd (6) was particularly horrid last week one morning and I cried. She was horrified. I think children need to understand that how we behave has an affect on others - surely thats how they learn to become fully functioning adults?

I wouldn't have punished her by not taking her to school though. Once she realised I was upset she apologised, we had a cuddle and that was it over.

my 8 year old made me feel like cryign the other day. AFter about 8 weeks of her telling me she hates me and i'm fat and i'm ugly etc etc.... she then told my mother something she'd overhead me say to a friend. I couldn't even deny it. It would have been ridiculous to deny it. and my daughter smirked. That was her punishment to me, for punishing her for telling me she hated me.

My daughter knows all the buttons to press. And her timing is excellent.

My ds told me I was 'an ugly old woman' once. He got such a bollocking he as never done it since.

So what did you do to her after that Valium? I wouldn't have dared to have said that to my mother and my DS had better not dare it with me.

I have a voice that 'means business' Morloth I rarely shout and don't think I have ever shouted at ds , I GLARED at him and hissed 'WHAT did you just say?'

Poor boy quaked in his boots and was upstairs to his room so bloody quick his feet didn't hit the stairs

He apologised later and I accepted his apology but told him in no uncertain terms if he EVER spoke to me like that again, he would be explaining to his Head teacher exactly what he had called me - he was terrified at the prospect of that.

Oh dear, my italics didn't work!

I thing working9while5 makes a very good point here. Tears mean different things in different families. I am another mother who would not want to cry in front of my dd as a result of something she did as that would massively escalate the situation- tears for me mean something absolutely devastating has happened and this would be frightening for DD to think she had caused it, although as morloth says, I wouldn't take something a little girl says seriously enough to let it make me cry.

Also,a number of people have said that crying is an emotion and that it is good to cry to show your child that her words have an effect. Crying is NOT an emotion. Sadness is the emotion and crying is just one way of expressing that emotion. There are others, such as looking sad or just saying that something makes you sad.

Exactly LeQueen - and that's why it has never happened since

My DS is a gentle soul and has never said anything remotely nasty to me.

I am sorry to say I did cry in front of him once. I am even sorrier to say it was over a messy bedroom!

I agree it is important to keep control of your emotions as far as you can - messy bedrooms not withstanding...

Interested to see if any of you feel the sentiment should be different once children become teenagers. My mum never cried because of our poor behaviour as young children (as far as I can recall anyway) but cried a lot when we were (probably quite nasty/spiteful) teenagers. I do remember (possibly quite unjustly!) being quite cross when the tears started, because I knew it meant I had to apologise to her, regardless of where we'd got to in the argument or what she'd said to me. Every now and then my mum still pulls the waterworks trick to put a stop to an argument which hasn't yet run its course... I find it incredibly frustrating!

Threebubbas I agree with the crying thing, I remember as a teen feeling the same as you with my mum and being quite scornful of the fact she was in tears again. I needed some very firm parenting which definitely didn't include any water works!

ahhh then, I think the issue is do you cry as a parent as a matter of choice in order to control a situation or is the crying rare and involuntary. I would never cry to elicit sympathy and agree that a parent should certainly not do that, but the odd involuntary outburst will teach your child that they have the power to hurt and should exercize that with caution

In terms of people saying they felt disgusted/scornful with their mums for crying as teens.. has it impacted on your relationship in adulthood?

Aren't teenagers quite frequently scornful of their parents? I'm sure I rolled my eyes at my mother for many's the thing. I also have a vivid memory of the first time I told her I hated her - standing at the back door, eyes of steel. I meant it: God, did I mean it! She had refused permission for me to go to something I wanted to go to or some such. Hasn't had a long-lasting impact on our relationship! I like her a hell of a lot these days (though still have moments of eye-rollery).

I would say she cried frequently and mainly involuntarily, although probably did use it to end an argument the odd time.. it just wasn't a particularly big deal in our house (all women) as I guess generally we got on, so the relationship was balanced. My mother is a terribly undramatic person but would cry if she got flustered or couldn't get her words out in an argument out of sheer frustration. A very brief moment of eye watering and then we would either continue or finish the argument. No harm done.

It's a bit confusing with the two valiums on this thread!

I didn't do anything... I had already punished her for telling me she hated me. (I'd warned her, if you tell me you hate me again we won't go to see Tangled). So the next time she said it, I said, that's it, we're not going to see Tangled. She stamped and stomped and then said "I don't care". total bluff. I wouldn't change my mind and give her one more chance. So that's when she pulled the embarrasing thing I'd carelessly said in front of my friend to my Mum. I didn't punish her for that too because I guess that was my fault. I knew as I was saying it, 'i hope dd isn't paying attention!' but I went ahead and said it anyway. BIG mistake.

My Mother is made of steel. She kept 6 kid's heads above water whilst singlehandedly running a massive sheep station after my father died.

I have seen her cry over important things but she is not given to waterworks at all. Given the way we were raised I would definitely struggle to respect someone who cried all the time.