to think your 5 year old shouldn't be able to upset you?

[novision]

My SIL told me last week that her 5 year old DD had made her cry she had been so nasty. She had got so upset that she couldn't take her to school and my MIL did it fir her.

Now my children have reduced me to tears out of sheer bloody frustration but it's never occurred to me to take it personally.

I would also never show them I was upset.

It's a genuine question. Is it better to show your children you're hurt or show no weakness?

I just can't imagine being upset/hurt by something a 5 year old said. 5 year olds know jack shit, so why would you take their words to heart?

15 year olds are different, at 15 they have more understanding. Still pretty much know jack shit about life though.

I would have lost all respect for my mother if she had let me make her cry. I remember a teacher crying once, BIG mistake, we walked all over her from then on.

LeQueen You are either very emotionally hard (which your posts suggested you are) or lying.

I was always a very unemotional person. Would not cry at anything, but when my lovely DS1 aged 4 was doing all in his power to hurt me , just as I had done him by having DS2, I just broke down and howled. And I mean really, involuntarily sobbed. I didn't plan to do it, but had just reached then end. I cried so hard he actually laughed along with me and I had to say 'I am not laughing, I am crying'. He then climbed up onto the table and tried to give the baby, who was 4 weeks old, his bottle of milk. It was awful.

So to glibly say you have the 'self control' never to do that means to me that either you have never lived a normal life or you are emotionally stunted.

From what you say about despising your mum aged 4 for crying in front of you, I suspect it is the latter.

Crying in front of a normal child should not illicit disrespect, it should envoke empathy and the desire to put right what is wrong. I think your reaction is unusual.

At the moment DS is displaying quite hateful behaviour. He is truly playing up, and it has reduced me to tears. However, I do wait until he is out of the room before I sob on DHs shoulder I explain to DS that his behaviour has caused upset and he is aware that his actions have consequences, but he doesn't need to see me cry to justify this.

But yes there are days when I would cry a bucketful at the things they do/say.

It depends. My mum frequently cried when I was a kid and would probably cry now if I said something in a funny way that was hurtful or untoward. It's not a big drama with her, though. She is most likely to cry if she's frustrated with what you've said. It never seemed strange to me, and I don't judge her for it. As she says herself, her bladder is just too close to her eyes! It certainly wouldn't have impacted upon my respect for her, Lord no! Why would it? She was and is a great mum with a warm hug, a keen mind and immense generosity of spirit. Why on God's earth would you despise a parent for shedding some liquid from their eyes???? . I don't really think tears can be the core issue here.

Ah, I have read further back in the thread.

I can see that the "despise" comment related to an individual poster (skim read before) so not a dig..

I suppose it depends what the tears signify? Literally, in my mother's case, tears came easily but were forgotten just as easily. My dh never saw his mum cry unless his parents had One of Their Fights and so it meant something: and the ill feeling would linger for weeks.

When we argue, I tend to cry and rail and get it all out and then it's gone which is a bad match for him as he believes that if I cry I must be devastated when often, I'm just complaining/whinging/letting off steam.

Tears mean different things in different families, don't they?

working yes they do. I cried once in front of DS1, but it came from the the depths of my soul.

Shiney implying that you have sufficient self control at all times and in all circumstances, suggests to me that you are repressing your emotions somewhat. Sometimes your emotions cannot be controlled. I never cry, and have been accused of being a cold fish! But I defy any normal person to say they have never been reduced to tears by their DC. The emotion is just too real.

You will also have to defy me as well. DS1 just has never gotten under my skin like that. As I said he is just a little kid, I don't take him that seriously. If he is testing his claws I figure he can find out that mum is made of iron so he had better test them somewhere else.

There is no repressed emotion, other than perhaps mild amusement at his attempts at manipulation. They want to see what these nasty words can do, and see what sort of power they weild. In my house, little kids don't get to manipulate grown ups like that because they are little kids and I am the Mum.

Have I cried because of exhaustion? Well yes, after our flight home (30 hours with a baby that didn't sleep the whole time), when we got to the hotel I went to the shower and had a bit of a tired weep. But then we slept it off (15 hours in a row! Yay).

I don't get it, if DS is doing the whole nasty thing (and being a normal kid he tries it), he gets told 'You do not speak to me like that, ever' and then he is punished.

I am not emotionally stunted, I have the full range I think. I just don't sweat the small stuff and kids being mean/cheeky is certainly small stuff.

Don't bother defying me. I have cried. But in the early days it was a sign of me Not Coping. Another time, tears did come to my eyes when DS1 bit DS2 on the face, hard enough to draw blood. I felt that as a physical and emotional pain.

See DS1 biting DS2 in the face wouldn't make me cry. It would make me livid. He would be in so much trouble that you bet your arse he would be crying.

Morloth - Oh Yes, that too - I smacked him hard (again, not ideal) .....

Meh, biting your baby brothers face hard enough to draw blood is absolutely the sort of thing that would get a smack here, along with a whole pile of other shit.

Much more likely the other way around here. DS2 is a biter at 10 months. He already gets in trouble for it told 'No Biting' in the scariest voice I can manage and put in his cot for every incident.

Hopefully he will get it before he is big enough to inflict any real damange. Is making BFing fun I can tell you.

Funny - I recognise in your post the fact that you felt a great deal of empathy with your DS1 when DS2 came along, but you don't need to feel guilty

DS has just ransacked my make-up bag and chomped his way through my brand new Estee Lauder lipstick that I treated myself to last week. I am fighting back the tears.

Ah see getting upset because your kid has broken something that was important to you (even if it is something small) makes sense to me.

But getting upset because a little kid is practicing their power out on you seems completely different.

I would be upset about the lipstick, annoyed with DS but I wouldn't be crying because I thought he was being mean to me by being a little kid.

I did feel very sorry for DS1 Jamie and I suppose at the time felt a bit guilty. I certainly don't now, and neither have I cried in front of either child again.

I suppose I just find it bit odd that folk never cry in front of their children. And that they are not sufficiently emotional affected by their DC's behaviour for this to happen.

Oh yes, I have just remembered another time when I cried in front of DS1. Right after I had had a mmc and lost my job within 8 weeks of each other.