to think your 5 year old shouldn't be able to upset you?

[novision]

My SIL told me last week that her 5 year old DD had made her cry she had been so nasty. She had got so upset that she couldn't take her to school and my MIL did it fir her.

Now my children have reduced me to tears out of sheer bloody frustration but it's never occurred to me to take it personally.

I would also never show them I was upset.

It's a genuine question. Is it better to show your children you're hurt or show no weakness?

Lequeen I've always managed the school run too,often taking 6 with said thundercloud on occasions.

I too have always managed everything even with 3 babies in 18 months,I don't judge others not as tough as me though or deny I've cried once or twice.

As somebody else said we all have different personality traits which get an airing at times.I don't think any are better either.

biscuits help, IME

Actually, I remember babysitting for my 2 year old nephew once after a terrible day at work. He was wailing for him mum and I looked at him and burst into tears. He stopped with the surprise, I stopped, we both looked at each other and burst into loud tears again. Looking back, it was funny.

Assert yourself as credible leader and you'll be fine.

High fives Shineoncrazydiamond

MilaMae It is emotional blackmail in so far as it is a case of "look how what you have done has upset mummy sooooooooooooo much she cannot funtion on a day to day leval" Hence child will be blackmailed into doing what the mum wants for fear of sending her mum into fits of weeping.
This could happen not just for bad behaviour but just anything the mother disagrees with.

Is she going to take to her bed everytime her child does something that upsets her?

Some people just cry a lot though, not because they deliberately want to emotionally blackmail their children, just because it's how they are.

A lot of women suffer PND and other difficulties after children I don't think that crying in front of a child is the end of the world TBH. For mothers who find themselves crying a lot I'm not sure what the answer would be.

I also don't see why crying is seen as so much worse than other responses like shouting or sulking or giving the cold shoulder or even not reacting at all ever which would be pretty bad I think.

I have always taught my sons that words can hurt and to respect people feelings etc.

I don't think crying out of frustration is a bad thing although I do think crying because your child has called you a name or said they don't love you any more is pathetic and someone must have pretty low self esteem to let that hurt them.

I once wrestled with a shark - so I am no push over either.

DS1 has reduced me to tears a few times. And I have atleast once sobbed infront of him.
All of you who have never done this, are either much stronger than me or have considerably easier children then me. I suspect both.

Quite, LeQueen

Agreed.
Agree with what you have said in principal. Have since been advised by all professionals never to let a child know that they have got to you that much. Becasue it is that power that they crave, and that is the main thing that drives them.

But I think my personal circumsytances should not and can not be put across the board as the norm.

But generally, no child should be frightened by cryinbg. But also they should see a parent cry to apprefdiate that they are upset, adn this is normal.
I think its important for children to see their parents argue. Not nasty vindictive words, but having an argument and getting over it, is normal and should be encouraged.
Dh and I argue occassionally, and i think it is healthy for children to see this. same with crying.

I think occasional crying when something bad has happened - someone has died, you're terribly disappointed or whatever - is fine. But that emotional manipulation (which is what the OP is talking about and LeQueen too) is absolutely not okay.

Oblomov - I agree re: expressing emotions in general. But it's, as you said, not letting them make you cry.

I mean young children especially - who are actually at a delicate stage in learning self-control and managing their own emotion.

I found that there's nothing more likely to make you feel like a toddler, than a toddler, and I was very pushed by my DS1.

You see, I'm, not sure that I see it as emotional manipulation. That implies pre-thought, and malicious intent.

It wasn't emotional manipulation on my part. But it wasn't healthy, because it wasn't in my child's best interests and was a sign of loss of control.

" making your child feel sorry for you ". Is that with intent and purpose then? What if there is no intent. Just natural re-action to being at end of tether ?

I sometimes cry and my children have seen me cry on occasion. Sometimes it's been sadness, but it's usually either happy tears or watching-a-film tears. I always reassure them that my tears are not their fault and that sometimes it is good to cry a little.
So far, their actions have not driven me directly to tears.

I can't think of anything, except perhaps a very close family bereavement, that would upset me to the point of being unable to do the school run.

Loss of control. Agreed. Crying when you ahve nothing left to give emotionally. Smacking. Even shouting. All signs of lack of control. Not good.

my mum never cried in front me, never, about anything at all. I sometimes heard hear crying at night.

As a result I learned to hold in my emotions and not show when I was upset, or hurting, or angry.........I can't say it did me much good, in fact I'd say it did me more harm than good. I learned that you bottle things up (and then frequently "explode"........of course "out of the way of the children......but often not our of earshot) and just had to put up with it. That crying made you weak. And that once you were that upset that you needed to cry you needed to beat yourself with an (imaginary) big stick about how terrible it was that you had allowed your emotions to come out.

I have on occasional reached a point where one or more of my children have made me want to cry - however, I've learned to bottle those feelings up so I don't.