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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

201 replies

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:40

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:42

Oh, just to add, we are a young couple hence the 'gf and bf relationship not being held in the same regard as husband and wife'. One guest has been with his 'girlfriend' for 30 years, and they are considered a 'pair'

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 11/02/2011 11:44

I think it's fair - living together, married or engaged can come. Others no unless they beg specifically. You're paying, after all.

KnittedBreast · 11/02/2011 11:45

i think you are within your rights to say no plus ones, its your wedding, your way

trixie123 · 11/02/2011 11:46

hmm. tricky one this. It depends on if by reception you mean a sit down meal and so much per head that you are paying for, in which case you have a face saving argument for only inviting your actual friends or if its more a buffet / disco type thing in which case I think it is more difficult. The ones who have been together a long time I think really come as a pair for this kind of thing, different if its just the latest fling. The "married only" thing is a bit Hmm given that so many people live together. Are you really going to exclude them?

Quenelle · 11/02/2011 11:47

You can invite who you like to your wedding. It's up to your friends if they still want to come without their BF/GF.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 11/02/2011 11:48

Hmm, not sure on this... I had a small wedding (about 25) but I got round it by having family only, no friends at all. Sisters partners were invited, BILs partner was invited til she turned crazy psycho ex!

Do any of the couples where you're inviting one of them live together? I could see that as a bit odd...?

I would feel very weird not inviting partners, even if I dont know them that well. But again, having only family, and a close-ish family, I did know everyone at mine.

I had no kids at mine though [controversial emoticon] (except mine and cousins foetuses :))

Thingumy · 11/02/2011 11:48

I think what you are saying is,is OK not to invite partners who you don't like?

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:49

Out of the 25 guests, all but 6 are of an older generation. The majority are early 20s - so not many living together.

It's a proper sit-down gastronomic thing and about £300 per head.

Even if it was a buffet disco thing, I would still not be happy inviting the GF that I had never met or the BF I can't stand.

OP posts:
springbokdoc · 11/02/2011 11:49

definietly not BU. 25 is not a big party and i think you can happily specify who goes. at our wedding I stipulated that there should be no one there that I had to be introduced to - got rid of the random relatives that seem to suddenly have to be invited.

I would send out the named invites with a polite due to small numbers unfortunately no plus ones (but phrased better :)).

Thingumy · 11/02/2011 11:50

£300 per head?

£300 a sodding head?

Confused
GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 11:51

Well it's your choice (as they say on itsurdayhun.com) but I think you ought to be more honest with yourselves and your guests. This is nothing to do with a No Boyfriend/Girlfriend Rule. It's about not inviting people you dislike.

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:51

Sorry, to make it all a bit clearer:

4 are parents
2 are grandparents (Technically grandfather and his partner of 30 years)
2 godparents (gay couple, been together forever)
1 of my aunts
1 ex-step-father
The rest are our age (22-26 or so) and all either single or have non-live-in GFs/BFs.

OP posts:
allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 11/02/2011 11:51

with "Oh, just to add, we are a young couple hence the 'gf and bf relationship not being held in the same regard as husband and wife'. One guest has been with his 'girlfriend' for 30 years, and they are considered a 'pair'", where would you draw the line?
FIL is getting married at end of the month having been with his GF for less than a year. But DSis has been with her DP for about 6 years but they arent married yet due to cultural issues (he is not British)

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 11:51

Never forget the old fail safes of "we cant afford to invite them" or "we are limited on space"

Blame the location, your mother, the recession, anything you like! But if you have no space/money for them then you thats that!

springbokdoc · 11/02/2011 11:51

Jesus 300 pound a head - that definitely gets you out of the partners thing. I certainly wouldn't invite anyone I didn't love (let alone like) to it

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:53

Thingumy - I know! We were going for special/intimate/nearest and dearest etc. we're not having a honeymoon or flowers or anything.

So, in sum, it's more about me not wanting the event to get diluted by randoms/people I don't feel comfortable being emotional/celebrating my marriage in front of - hence the tiny ceremony.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 11/02/2011 11:53

We did this. They still turned up Hmm

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 11/02/2011 11:53

x post, oops!

Now, if you are not inviting any DPs for your friends, and none of them live together, I think you're perfectly justified. Especially as its a sit down meal.

:)

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:54

allsquareknickers - you raise a good point, however, fortunately, none of my guests are in a similar set-up.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 11:55

Well I am not married and have lived with my "boyfriend" for 7 years - I wouldnt be invited then?

My partner would say "No Im not coming to your poxy wedding" if I wasnt invited. Sorry, YABU.

zikes · 11/02/2011 11:56

It does sound as though this specific friend may not realise the no-plus-ones actually applies to her boyfriend.

I should say it directly, but don't be surprised if she chooses not to come/is upset or hurt. Possibly he might turn up anyway.

JaneS · 11/02/2011 11:56

I normally think people who don't invite their guests' partners are really mean and rude. But not in this case! Go for it, thank goodness you've got a decent excuse for not having them there.

Maylee · 11/02/2011 11:57

Up to you but if I had been with my bf for 2-3 years and wasn't considered his partner, I'd feel very unhappy - and would expect him to also be unhappy about it.

Anyway, your decision.

£300 per head Shock

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:57

Flisspaps - I would have gone mental. I'm fully prepared to get the maitre d' and/or security to escort them away and pretend like I hadn't given the order... [whistles innocently]

OP posts:
Thingumy · 11/02/2011 11:57

If you liked the partners or knew them better,would you invite them?