to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

[Spenguin]

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

MrsMoo - your comment jogged my memory. At the aforementioned dinner party that we hosted, the Twunt BF had the fuckingcheek audacity to try and pay the bill for us - at face value, you may think 'what a lovely gesture!' - NO! He said it so loudly so as to make others feel bad for not offering and also to try and upstage us.

The cheeky git!

Also, (sorry, this is getting a little bitchy of me) but my friend told me of a time she went out to dinner with Twunt and his friend - Bob, for example.

Bob says to Friend (X), 'come and sit by me. Twunt knows all about you and I know nothing!'

Twunt: No, she should sit by me.

Bob: Nah! Come on, X! I need to get to know you! [Bob and Twunt have been friends for 10 years]

Twunt: No. [Hostile tone]

Bob: X, who do you want to sit next to?

[X confided to me later that she wanted to sit near friend, Bob]

In sum, X was forced (more or less) to sit with Twunt. THAT controlling.

So, imagine if he was invited and the chaos that would ensue over my constructed and perfectly engineered seating plan, hmmm?!

Please please please do not feel guilty about not inviting these people! It is YOUR wedding and at so much a head you should do what you like. Tell your friend outright that it is a small wedding and very expensive per head so only a select few family and friends are coming. Her bf sounds like a right prick so do not pau for him to come and he will only ruin your day if he does.

This is your day and do what the hell you want and do not be pressured to do anything you don't want to do or you will regret it forever.

Have a great day

I would have let him!
It does sound like he was trying to impress and therefore showing a lot of bravado, perhaps through a underlying lack of actual confidence... Maybe if you got to know him better he would be less of a twat - but your wedding reception is not the place or time to do that!

My sister did what you did, got married at a registry office and went for a meal afterwards and it was a wonderful day, we only had direct family there (which made it 15 as we're a big family) and both my and my sisters the partners were very understanding and not offended in the slightest.

I think the small scale make it fine, but you do need to make it VERY clear who is and isn't invited

I'd be really surprised if your female friend got her knickers in a twist over this. Three hundred pounds a head.... I'd be too busy revelling in snail porridge or essence of the sea to notice If DP was there or not. I am SO jealous. YANBU!

I've tried to get the whole 'feel' (vom) of the wedding over to people in more roundabout ways - partially so they know what to expect and partially to soft any blows.

I've told my female friend that I had to resolutely refuse my own father's wishes to 'give me away' (again, vom...and, to me, offensive). The ceremony is on a beach where there are wild seals and is about as remote and deserted as it gets. Hopefully the effing slogan of 'intimate' is getting over.

Did anyone have a similar situation were exclusion massively backfired?

[Must say though, I think I'll use your opinions to cement my own - foot down. Our guest list...selected with no interference from social pressures!]

Why don't you just invite who you want but send them each a "single" invitation, So grandad gets an invite and his DP gets her own invite. The gay couple each get their own named invitation etc. You could have the invites printed to say something like Spenguin and Spolarbear invite ..... to attend their intimate and exclusive occasion blah blah blah... That way it is clear that there are no "plus ones" for anyone, not that some partners are deliberately excluded.

We go married a while back and invited just who we wanted, my MnD, My Wife's MnD, her uncle and aunt, one cousin, her brother , wife and kids, my best friend and his girlfriend.

Didn't invite my sister or her husband and family.

It was our wedding and we invited just who we wanted to be there, bollocks to anyone who has a problem with that or who feels guilty either.

Hopefully you won't be doing this very often so don't waste one of the best days of your life with annoyance or regret, just do it, it's both your day.

PS hope it goes really well.

I have no strong feelings about the invitations. I'm not really a wedding lover so find it easy to decline if I don't want to attend.

I think you will have problems with your female friend though tbh. It sounds like she presumes her bf is invited.

We planned to have very deliberately addressed invitations - I was just worried that it was unreasonable of me to exclude some in the first place.

[TMI perhaps, but two posters on here have made me extremely cagey and paranoid! One poster's name is a pet name I use for my fiance and 'polar bear' is the other!]

I think it's unreasonable to invite guests without partners. When you are inviting a guest, it's your job to care about their happiness and comfort above your own.
They may not be your favourite person, but they are obviously your friends favourite people so you should do them the courtesy of inviting them.
FWIW, what DH and I did was have a tiny wedding with parents, siblings and one best friend/partner each; and then a 'do' in the evening with friends and their partners.

Polar Bear just seemed obvious to go with Penguin no need for paranoia

...nor a natural history/geography lesson either before anyone starts

Nah, paranoia a go-go! We have disputes over Arctic/Antarctic environments too. Spice of life...ahem.

But only he knows of our childish ways...and he's currently snoring!

ENorma - I feared so too. She's totally head over heels despite everyone politely trying to say 'he's like the OCD husband in 'Sleeping with the Enemy'. Hopefully she'll get over the honeymoon phase asap...not that it's really my business.

I kind of agree with you, OP, but would make an exception for long-term, committed BFs/GFs only.

There doesn't seem to be a great distinction with some people. My brother has a tendancy to refer to his latest girlfriends of between 2-6 months as his 'other half'. It drives me potty actually.

"If people want to get shitty over who got to come to the reception and hold that against me, so be it. But I shan't hang my head in shame nor fear their wrath. In regards to this event, I fear nothing nor concern myself with anything but MY pledge to one man. Everything else is subordinate to our vows"

fair enough.....but it doesn't sound like much of a party...

Nothing to do with your actual problem.....but how can anything cost £300 per head? Are you having six lobster courses or something?

Not saying there's anything wrong with it btw, just intrigued.

Posted too soon but YES OP, you should have exactly the people you WANT at your wedding and nobody else. People who love you and are worthy of attending will understand perfectly. :)

StubbornHubby...sounds like my kind of a party! Hence why we're doing it the way we want. You may have whatever kind of party you would like.

Witch - I feel your pain. My brother is often juggling...

Gerontius - [Eliot fan?]. It's a nine course tasting menu at a 3 star Michelin restaurant. The cost also incorporates some alcohol. Well, really, there was a minimum spend on the room so whatever id the difference left over after deducting the food cost = drinks!

I just slightly agree there (with stubbornhubby)

• Though it's a party I'd be happy to come to

Just thinking, in essence, a wedding is a celebration of love between (young) couples !

Maybe a complete blanket ban on young couples is slightly OTT. Aren't there any young people in more committed relationships with nice partners ? Possibly family too ?

Are we allowed to start guessing where it is now? I'm intrigued

Nope, the only young ones in relationships are the 2 mentioned. So, in reality, I don't have enough people for a blanket ban!

Ahhh, it's not even on this continent!

Oohhh !

Wow ! Where is it ?

Ooh another clue to add to my list! (it is going to be my afternoon's entertainment while Fireman Sam is on!)