to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

[Spenguin]

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

If you want advice that is honest, my advice is this: don't bother with all the expense and just get you and your husband-to-be down your nearest register office and get wed there with two guests.
All these women on here fretting over their weddings is sad, especially when the truth of it is the guests usually find the whole wedding thing a complete chore (apart from those closest to the bride and groom).
They'll moan about the fact that you're not getting wed within 10 minutes of THEIR homes, the price of hotel accommodation, babysitting costs, the plane flights, they'll bitch about your dress and, if pregnant, make sly comments about putting 'cart before the horse'.

It's a big day for you, but a complete drag for them.

OP, I was totally in agreement with you and thought you were being totally reasonable, until you mentioned that it was on another continent. Does that mean your guests are travelling from the UK to attend?

If so I think you may be slightly more unreasonable, I'll reserve further judgment until this has been clarified!!

If it's on another continent, unless your guests are jet-setters (hey they might be, I don't know) I would be amazed if any guests -other than close family and friends- accepted your invitation.

ENormaSnob Fri 11-Feb-11 14:51:54

Are your guests travelling for your wedding?

Spenguin Fri 11-Feb-11 14:58:01

StubbornHubby...sigh

ENormaSnob - nope, they won't be. In fact, it's more a case of my fiance and me travelling to them.

This makes it sound like the guests are not travelling.

Why are So many people being so judgemental on the kind of wedding op is having?! She is quite entitled to have a small wedding without judgement! Do what you want to do op and just explain that it is a small wedding to your friends

YABU, to think that people will be bothered that they are not invited to your big day. You sound very judgemental, I wonder if you have NEVER met the GF because of your judgemental attitude towards GF. (we have an ongoing joke that she doesn't exsit) she sounds really welcome in your group of friends. Maybe she suffers from depression or aniexty.

When we drew up invites, we invited couples who were married / cohabiting / been together for ages / always socialised with us together / were generally obvious. Then for the few, slightly less obvious ones, we phoned the friend and asked them if they'd like their other half to be invited. Some said yes, and some said no, on the grounds that they'd like to catch up with old mates. All of the ones who said no have subsequently married the person we didn't invite, and without exception we aren't in touch with them at all - emails go unanswered, phone calls unreturned, Christmas cards ignored. I very much suspect that it's directly due to the fact that we didn't invite the GF (now wife).

In retrospect, I regret not inviting the GFs. The loss of the friendship seems a heavy price to pay for a couple of meals (for us) and a mates' weekend (for them).

I'd agree with most posters in that you should invite who you want and only those people. It's actually quite easy for you to do that as the two you don't want to invite are the exception rather than the rule -- you said that apart from the older generation, they were all single? Job done.

Except you'd better make it 100% clear that there is no plus one because that friend's BF looks about ripe to want to push his luck and show up anyway.

Finally, I hope for your sake (and theirs) that none of your guests gets absolutely trashed and "ruins" your special day in any way as then your very carefully laid plans with exactly the people you wanted there in exactly the right location with the perfect food, etc. might end up being a very memorable experience for the wrong reasons. I can see you never speaking again to a guest who had the misfortune to ruin your wedding day (whatever that means).

Are you such a control freak in everything you do?

I have been invited to a colleagues wedding reception in April, as have most of the office. It is a big buffet/disco type affair yet nobodies partners have been invited.
Most of us have been in relationships for many years, I have been married for over 13 and have also known the work colleague concerned for 10 years. We all think the set up is a little odd and some of us have considered declining the invite. What do you think?
I do think the OP's situation is slightly different though, we are not talking about a big buffet, but an extremely expensive sit down meal with limited numbers. I don't think I would feel offended in this situation.

I think YANBU only if you would find it perfectly acceptable for your bf to be invited to a wedding without you and vice versa.
If however you would be offended then YABU.
It is not for you to decide who is in a serious relationship and who isn't.

Neither myself or dh were invited to the christening of my dn. At the time I had not been with my dh long, fair enough. However out of a total of 3 sibling only one couple are still together and guess what? it is myself and dh.

So you cannot tell who will stay the course and who won't.

pinkmagic1 I am in the revers position as you my husband has been invited to work colleague wedding reception, but not me. I am really pleased it saves me from making small talk with people i don't know and listening to office gossip and injokes, quite frankly they will have a better time if they go without partners.

Sorry, I will rephrase. Lots of wedding etiquette is silly.

For example, the idea that your father walks you down the aisle and hands you over to your husband. That is fine if firstly, you have only one father (increasingly uncommon with high divorce rate!), and secondly, if you consider yourself a parcel, or at least still living in a male-dominated society in which your rights and independence doesn't matter.

Etiquette also varies between generations, cultures and social groups. So basically whatever you do you cannot please everyone, or meet everyone's expectation of what a wedding is supposed to be. So why bother? You will just tie yourself in knots and end up with a horrible compromise that no-one likes.

Miss Manners would say if they are married or cohabiting you have to invite the partners, it's rude otherwise.

I woud say, you use common sense and can invite anyone you like as long as you realise that not inviting someone's significant other will affect whether or not they want to come.... So no whinging if your friend turns down the invite.

The invite should be issued as a take it or leave it, and you need to make it really clear to friend that it's a small wedding and impossible to invite all the people you would like to invite. That should head off them either responding "plus guest" on the RSVP or worse showing up on the day.

I'd also make sure that everyone else isn't all coupled up or that you have lots of couples-type activities if you invite a solo-flyer. In that ase where they are going to be the odd-person-out, I would issue an invite, just for their comfort.

"£300 per head?

£300 a sodding head?"

That's what I think Thingumy. £7500 on FOOD for 25 people.

Jesus Christ almighty I'd rather have that ina savings account for us. How about more people less money thrown at food which TBH probably won't be worth £300 each.

Haven't read all of it but distinguishing by whether people are married or not seems wrong.

How about 'people we have met and like can come'?

I think your wedding sounds lovely and you can invite who you want. I would however phone the friends concerned to chat about your intentions before the invites land on their doormat. It gives you the opportunity to give a sensitive reason and gauge their reaction.

You'll never get it exactly right and someone is bound to be offended at some point, so the only thing to do is (within reason) make the best decision you can based on what you and your DH2B want.

TBH, I wouldn't expect to be invited to a wedding of DH's friends if I didn't know them but the invite might be politely declined (with no hard feelings from us) if he had to travel a long way. If I was invited, I would think that was lovely and very generous (and I'd stay out of the photos unless they did a huge group one where you can't really see anyone!!)

Have a wonderful day and I'm soooo jealous of a £300 a head meal

Catching up at the mo, but just want to add...
Be wary of saying its because of the money, just in case anyone says that their OH will pay for themselves!

It's crazy though, really, to invite people to your wedding when you've no intention of seeing them again, isn't it?

I've been to friends' weddings where they didn't know a lot of the people there - they were partners/spouses of friends from work, from book clubs, the gym etc. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Why is it that once people get married they are so often incapable of doing anything on their own?

I think there's no problem at all in you saying to your friend that it's only people you know well who are invited to your wedding. If she doesn't like it, it wouldn't hurt for you to tell her you didn't like his attitude the last time you met him and that you really don't see why you should have him at your wedding when he is not a friend.

But the wedding reception is really for the guests, otherwise you'd be in there with the £300 a head meal and the guests would be in the car park with a hotdog. You presumably want your guests to gave a good time so while it may not be important to you to have their partners there, it may be for them. And you're talking about 2 or 3 people aren't you, not 52 so it's not really such a big deal as you're making out.

I came here at first to agree with you but tbh the more I read the more I agree that the ones left out are the lucky ones.

If you're so sure that you're right, go ahead and issue the invitations. Why are you asking us?

I think you need to decide if this is 'all about you' or whether the feelings and wishes of your guests comes into it. Hopefully, you'll decide the latter if your friends are important to you.

Many people like to have the option to bring a partner, even if they ultimately decide to come on their own and have a 'mates' evening. As one poster said, how do you know how serious their relationship is? Only they know that. And if guests don't know each other well, having a partner provides reassurance - you can't and won't be able to talk to each of the 25 every minute of the evening so a partner means they have someone else to talk to.

If you're really determined, keep it to family + partners, and then friends without partners. But be upfront and honest that that's your rule. And be prepared for people to drop out.

It's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want. I'm in a same situation as you are. But I get a text from my friend that " he wont be coming anyway as he doesnt go anywhere if he is not invited" I didnt reply her text and we didint talk since but to be honest and blunt I dont care It is my! wedding and I want to invite and see people whom I like at my own wedding. And if she doesnt understand this I cant do anything about it.

Enjoy your weddding with your loved once.

invite whom you wish.don't expect agreement or fawning just because you bride

bottom line- invite whosoever you wish
they can of course decline or not like your terms

but why is husband acceptable?and parter not?