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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

201 replies

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:40

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

OP posts:
IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 11/02/2011 12:52

I think you should invite who you want to. If you exclude one bf/gf though you should exclude them all (not inlcuding your grandad?).

Say its down to numbers and if all the friends know eachother then should be fine.

ScaredOne · 11/02/2011 12:53

I am sorry if I missed it but is there going to be dancing etc after the meal?

I would not be happy to not be invited just because I am not married to my DP, having been together for years is not different from being married. The paper work doesn't change anything. Two to three years is a relatively long time so it's not as if that guest is bringing his one night stand.

If you don't want them there fair enough but be prepared that people might not be happy

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:55

IWantToBeAFairy - yes! all the golden oldies are either divorced or have been 'dating' for decades, so they're all in and invited. The only dating young'uns are the ones mentioned so am happy to exclude those two.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:55

ScaredOne how dare you assume that people want you and your shag buddy at their wedding

;)

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:57

scaredOne - Oh no! I don't dance and the fiance thinks it cringeworthy (I've only ever seen him dance once in the 2 years I've known him...a pretty sight it wasn't!). We're just having a string quartet during a pre-dinner cocktail reception and then intermittently during the dinner.

The young ones may go out to a cocktail bar or something a bit more lively afterwards - however, given that it's 9 courses...we could be Cinderellas. Also we would go as a group - so lots of individuals, singletons and whatnot. Plus, most of them already know one another or have met before.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:58

Can I come to your wedding Grin sounds lovely.

geordieminx · 11/02/2011 12:58

£300 a head????? Are you joking??????

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:59

Also, ScaredOne, it's not about the status of being married vs unmarried. It's more 'who do we actually know and how stable/secure is their relationship?' - the latter is especially pertinent as regards my friend who's been dating the BF since October. They could break up etc etc.

Like I said, some guests aren't married but have been together for 30 years - "married" in my book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 13:01

GeordieMinx - hence why I only want to invite people who would give me their kidney, and vice versa! The price denotes how seriously, IMO, we take this and what it means to us. We're very young and paying for it ourselves, so we feel like it's justified. We're not having a lot of other things as we don't consider them important (flowers, honeymoon, cake) and instead spending the money on things we highly prize - good food and wine. Oh, and my dress!

OP posts:
motheroftwoboys · 11/02/2011 13:03

When we got married 20 odd years ago it was my second (his first) and we had a lovely small wedding. We had a meal for about 25 family and very close friends. No dancing or anything. We left for honeymoon (one night in Edinburgh Grin late afternoon. WE had a party at home for the wider circle of friends a few days later. Fab.

ScaredOne · 11/02/2011 13:04

Spenguin, then I am sorry. I got that wrong I guess.

I just asked about the dancing by the way because that could become weird for the 'singles' if you see what I mean. I can appreciate your OH's opinion though, I find dancing cringeworthy unless I get my fingers on the Wine first

It is true that it's a risk to invite couples that have only just started going out a few month ago. Being in my early twenties myself I do see quite a few relationships breaking down. It's a tough one!

9 courses though? Awesome!

And Changing, I am sorry. It might just be that this particular shag buddy tends to follow me a lot, I think he might have even moved in with me. Maybe he isn't aware of our relationship status Grin

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 13:04

Changing - of course you can! You just can't be married/cohabiting/have children/unruly pets/have a dick of a BF nor a reclusive and elusive GF!

also, we're not 'doing' wedding gifts! We're not registering anywhere nor asking for anything. We take the policy of 'if you want to give, give whatever you want. If you don't...heck! That's fine. we want you there for your company, because we like you...not because we need a new toaster' - not a bad deal for those 'grumpy' guests then, eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 13:05

No problem, ScaredOne. I saw your point - dancefloor dangers and all. I'm the same with the Dutch courage...as is the fiance. However, we go from sober as a clam to Dirty Dancing...oh, the shame of the photos afterwards!

OP posts:
lovingthesun · 11/02/2011 13:07

this is interesting. I was a GF & BF, whose BF wasn't invited. Another GF & BF were living together invited. We're now married & the other couple have split.

I also had a very small wedding & only invited couples that we did coupley things with. So we had a selection of marrieds/couples & a handful of friends. No aunts/uncles.

Only 1 person complained, which was ironic because she always said he didn't do coupley things.

It's your day, do what your happy with - I'm always very pleased when someone bucks the trend Grin

shaz298 · 11/02/2011 13:08

It' s your day and you need to do what makes you and your other half happy......... but £300.........wh is dfoing the cooking Gordon Ramsey?? xx

ScaredOne · 11/02/2011 13:09

I don't think anyone should take pictures of anyone dancing! Haha.

But if it is basically a fancy meal and no traditional celebration with traditional dances etc I think you are fine. Go for it.

I do think it's weird though your friend is almost hiding his girlfriend from you though. Just thinking about it now it does seem a bit odd

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 13:10

Spenguin - shit thats my reclusive dick DP out then Grin

I like your gift policy - mine will be exactly the same much to MIL's horror.

monkeyflippers · 11/02/2011 13:10

You have good reasons for not wanting to invite the people you've mentioned so stick to it.

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 13:13

I like the description of it as a glorified dinner party, rather than a wedding reception - also stops the pound sign appearing in people's eyes when you order invitation, hair and make up and things. It's like the word 'wedding' whacks on an extra couple of zeros!

OP posts:
complexnumber · 11/02/2011 13:29

I agree with Minipie about being really clear. My interpretation of a plus one is a guest of a single person's choice and doesn't cover a boyfriend of almost a year. Your friend with the obnoxious BF might see it that way too.

dinosaurkisses · 11/02/2011 13:34

What if you sent the whole party an email showing the table plan- under a ruse of letting everyone see more details of the day and raising excitement- if it raises any questions from your girl friend and you DH2B's mate then it would be a good opener to remind them that their meal will be costing three hundred quid each, you have a limited budget. Perhaps say you'll organise a more casual night out to celebrate with those who aren't there in another few months?

MrsMooo · 11/02/2011 13:37

I think, having read the whole thread YANBU at all

You're talking about two couples here, and TBH I think the never seen GF will not care.

With the twatty BF, simply explain that you can not afford to have more than x guests as it's £300 a head and therefore you have limited it to your nearest and dearest.

With all the people making Shock faces at that amount, firstly its a 3 Michelen (sp?) star resturant so that's normal - the tasting menu at The Fat Duck is about that (I would love to go one day when we can justify afford it).

Secondly, it's going to be what, £10,000-£12,000 for the whole wedding which is not obscene by today's standards by any stretch of the imagination, it's actually quite conservative if compared to the national average which is over £16,000 iirc, especially taking into account the £0 honeymoon.

Thirdly, wc hat's wrong with having 25 people at £300 a head as opposed having 250 people at £30 a head Hmm

Finally, it's their wedding and they can spend what they like if they've got the money!

I think a small intimate wedding sounds lovely, and with it being sit down only quiet affair there should not be anyone there you don't consider a close friend

Re:partner's not being invited, I think it depends on the circumstances, DH and I have been together for 5 years but I would not be offended in the slightest if he was invited to the wedding of a work college or friend I wasn't also friends with. I'd only be offended if it was a couple we were BOTH friends with. Even then it's their day innit Wink so invite or don't invite who you like

wolfhound · 11/02/2011 13:37

Normally I think not inviting partners is not very nice - but in your case it's different, I think. You're all pretty young and it sounds like none of these partners are going to be around. You don't want your wedding pics full of strangers. And your group of friends are happy going out together without partners, or else you'd know the partners better - so they should feel fine about coming. It sounds as if you can just say to everyone that you're having family + friends, but no partners. Straightforward and simple. I think even if a friend gets a bit miffed, in a few months or so, when they've broken up with partner x, they'll be fine. It's usually the insecure relationships that get most bothered by not both being invited (at this age).

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 13:37

Oh, bloody hell! Not the seating arrangement! I attempted that for fun (ha!) the other week and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Too many divorces to cope with!

In seriousness though, great idea!

OP posts:
mummymilky · 11/02/2011 13:38

We did this when we got married. We were in our early 20s and had a lot of friends our age from university etc that we wanted to invite. Many had boyfriends/girlfriends that we didn't know/hadn't met, so we literally just invited the friends that we wanted. Only one person complained. Everyone said they had a fantastic time because it was a great chance to catch up with 'the old gang' without feeling obliged to spend the time with their DP who didn't know anyone. So I say go for it!