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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

201 replies

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:40

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 14:51

"I've tried to get the whole 'feel' (vom) of the wedding over to people in more roundabout ways - partially so they know what to expect and partially to soft any blows"

Good idea. You don't want them turning up thinking they are going to be enjoying themselves.

ENormaSnob · 11/02/2011 14:51

Are your guests travelling for your wedding?

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 14:58

StubbornHubby...sigh

ENormaSnob - nope, they won't be. In fact, it's more a case of my fiance and me travelling to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:00

Actually, no, I'll rise to it.

Stubborn Hubby: you can still enjoy yourself at a smaller wedding i.e. I'm trying to convey that this function is intimate - not a piss-up for 300 people we don't know. I don't see why you want to rain on someone's wedding day! The question did not revolve around 'do you think my reception will be fun?' Have you ever thought that the people invited could EVER be on the same wavelength as us and not want a reception of people they barely know?

I don't think you should criticise someone else's personal taste. If you do feel the burning need, become a wedding planner.

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 15:01

I don't think YABU, but one of the things you said made me Hmm.

"However, if that person can't get over it/refuses to talk to me...well, another one bites the dust and all.

More of the minimum spend to go on dessert and wine!"

Out of your 25 closest friends (well actually fewer due to family) you don't care about losing one?

mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:11

breatheslowly - combination of figure of speech and also to highlight Nature taking its course if it needs to. You can't worry about everyone's reactions and if they react negatively to you wanting your reception the way that you to, surely getting in a strop will highlight true colours? I'm not going to feel regret over my own reception is more like what I was trying to say.

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 15:13

£300 and you only get a taster of the tucker?

Perhaps you'd better remind the invited guests to have a hearty breakfast. Otherwise, a couple of celebratory drinks in and you'll have them collapsing into the foamy green glurpo exotic gastronomic offerings.

It's Australia, isn't it?

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:15

Gloria - go the other way!

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 15:16

Aha! :)

stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 15:17

"You can't worry about everyone's reactions and if they react negatively to you wanting your reception the way that you to, surely getting in a strop will highlight true colours"

I am beginning to think the uninvited GFs and BFs are actually the lucky ones.

stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 15:18

I'll bet you've got a strict dress code for your guests as well... a particular colour or something... am I right?

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:18

StubbornHubby - please, do everyone a favour...go and get laid.

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 15:21

don't talk to me like that, I'm not the DP of one of your closest friends, you know.

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:23

Such a miserable little git. Why the venom?!

sighs

OP posts:
Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:24

[Also, please improve on comprehension skills. You've clearly missed so many details in this thread]

OP posts:
lospollos · 11/02/2011 15:25

its your decision in the end

Foreverondiet · 11/02/2011 15:30

I think fair enough if not living together, although you might find that your guest decides not to come if their BF/GF not invited.

If you don't invite plus ones who are living together then still up to you but don't expect your friends to show up.

C4ro · 11/02/2011 15:31

You mention you're travelling/ beaches. The only point on which invisibleGF and twuntBF might feel rightly aggrieved not to be invited is if you're expecting their other halves to take holiday to attend your shindig. IE I wouldn't care a jot if DH went alone to a friend-never-met party that was a Saturday or a weekend away with reasonable travel. I'd be pretty pissed off if it was so far away that the only feasible way for him to attend was to take some of his holiday time to do it. But that's between the couples and for them just to decline the invite if it does feel pointed.

Takeresponsibility · 11/02/2011 15:32

Spenguin

If this were a dinner party at your house then you have to do everything in your power to make the guests feel comfortable even if it means putting up with their annoying/miserable/just plain ugly other halves.

But this is your wedding FFS, and you and Spolarbear get to invite who you like, where you like, to eat the food you have chosen, and listen to your choice of music.

Stick to your guns girl - and have a great time

fedupofnamechanging · 11/02/2011 15:33

Spenguin, at £300 per head it is more than reasonable to only invite people that you know and truly want to be there.

I would just say that you ought to talk to your friends and tell them that due to cost and venue space, you will not be inviting their boyfriend/girlfriend. I think that hints might not be sufficient and you don't want them to turn up on the day with someone you don't want there (and haven't catered for).

Best to be honest and get it out of the way. A true friend will not hold it against you, if you tactfully put the blame onto the cost/space issue. That is a nicer 'out' than telling her that you hate her bf.

I think your wedding sounds lovely and I wish you every happiness on your day

breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 15:37

TBH your responses to stubbornhubby are making me understand why there aren't more than 25 people in your lives that you are close enough to to want at your wedding.

agnethafaltskog · 11/02/2011 15:40

First of all can someone tell me where the "other way" to Australia is?

Then can you tell me what a nine course taster thingy is?

oldmum22 · 11/02/2011 15:44

I think your wedding sounds lovely. I think you are douing the right thing by indicating who is and who isnt invited,as it does prevent any misunderstandings or bad feeling. I think you will find that space is limited and you would have "loved" to have invited more guests but finances prevented it. A true friend would understand the dilemma you are in. I would not reveal to anyone,though, the exact reasoning behind your vetting of guests,some things are best left unsaid in my book . Good luck

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 15:45

Breatheslowly - some people just don't like big weddings - nor the price tag that comes with one. How do you know we didn't start off with 100 and had to get that down? Alas, the internet!

Agnetha - don't go East from the UK...

OP posts:
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