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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

201 replies

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:40

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

OP posts:
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:25

stubbornhubby - well, if you call 2 guests out of 25 half...I guess.

One guest doesn't even invite his own girlfriend to mett-ups with him, so he can go revel in his own hypocrisy.

Like I said, if they're that pissed off, they don't need to come!

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 12:28

i can see it is going to be a joyful day.

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:29

That's just a cruel thing to say, frankly.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:30

On the day it will be all about you and your DH so dont worry!

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:31

I'm getting married and pledging my vows to one man and one man only. It isn't about anyone else. It is about a promise.

If people want to get shitty over who got to come to the reception and hold that against me, so be it. But I shan't hang my head in shame nor fear their wrath. In regards to this event, I fear nothing nor concern myself with anything but MY pledge to one man. Everything else is subordinate to our vows.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:32

Erm you did ask if you WBU though.... cant blame people for posting. I agree with you though OP the day is yours alone.

Loopynoo · 11/02/2011 12:32

Personally I don't think this is really about whether YABU. Reardless of what others think it is your wedding and you are entitled to be as U as you like (if it is viewed that way).

Some will think YABU and some will think YANBU.

At the end of the day you have to live with the memory of your wedding so do what makes you feel realxed and comfortable. Hell, I wouldn't invite my parents if they were being a pain in the arse! Grin

What I would bear in mind though, is that it might cause friction between you and the DPs of the uninvited, but hopfully they are good enough friends to respect your wishes and understand that this decision is about you and your day and not a reflection on the freindship.

It is a tricky one but I would just be straigtforward and only invite those I want to. Good Luck!

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 12:35

I think you are doing the right thing you want it to be a small intimate party with people who you are close to and feel comfortable with.You have never met the GF and if he never brings her with him to meet ups then I hardly think he or she will be expecting to come.Your friends BF maybe slightly trickier to handle but if you were to explain why (not that you think he is a twunt) but the intimacy thing she will understand I am sure.I hope you have a wonderful day and I wish I was coming to your meal at £300 a head it promises to be fabulous Smile

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:36

changing - I know! I know! Just get heated and emotional over the wedding and whatnot. Plus, don't take kindly to people casting negative aspersions/jinxes on a wedding.

Many thanks for all the posts though.

OP posts:
chocolatchaud · 11/02/2011 12:36

You may also be worrying over nothing - particularly about the GF. If she hasn't been to any social engagements with you, I can't imagine there will be any problem with not attending the wedding.

The BF may be a bit more tricky, but perhaps your friend will understand - she may feel lucky to be invited to a small occasion, and leave it at that?

RunnerHasbeen · 11/02/2011 12:37

I would be completely fine coming to a wedding of my friend without DH, even more so if we were as young as you describe. I think as long as neither half think you aren't inviting their partners because you don't like them, I really can't see a problem.

I suppose some couples feel joined into a single unit and some as two separate and complimentary halves, you are best to judge which your friends are. Even if the former and they will be a wee bit put out, I'm sure you can talk them round when you explain about numbers and cost etc.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:37

Spenguin - Im sure once your rings are on your DP would never attend an envelope opening without you Wink

chocolatchaud · 11/02/2011 12:39

reinitindear - cross post! Didn't just copy yours, honestly!

jugglingjo · 11/02/2011 12:42

Liked the suggestion of not having anyone you would need to be introduced to.

My Mum did suggest a couple of her relatives that I'd never actually met. And perhaps I could have reined her in slightly on that. If I'd not met them in 32 years then possibly not essential that they be invited Wink

But she did give us a beautiful day to remember as well ! And we did invite lots of our friends too Smile

My DH didn't get invited to my sister's wedding as we'd only just started going out at the time. But I would have liked him to be invited, and think he/we missed out a bit with him not being there to meet all the family.

My Mum decided only engaged or married couples were to be invited.
I think partly she was hinting that we could get engaged ! And perhaps trying to push us in that direction. She's got a bit of a Jane Austen approach to marrying off her daughters Wink
But in the end we didn't get married for many more years !

I think what most people would be aiming for is inviting all settled couples, but not all singles plus one !

reinitindear · 11/02/2011 12:42

Great minds Wink eh chocolatchaud

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 12:43

Why would you automatically assume your guest would want to attend alone?

Eh?! It isnt about what the guest wants! If someone is invited then they have the choice to attend or not. If they dont want to go alone then they dont go. They should not expect the hosts to shell out money on the offchance that someone cant go to a wedding without having their hand held by someone who is a perfect stranger to the couple!

Assuming or expecting anything in terms of invitations is rude and demanding. The only people who have a say is those that are hosting imo!

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:45

Bogeyface - all Im saying is that the invitee is well within their rights to politely decline. Get over it! Im sure the potential guest is not sat at home drawing up a list of their expectations for the bloody wedding breakfast - they probably couldnt give a toss if they are invited or not!

AuntieMaggie · 11/02/2011 12:46

Sounds ideal to me :)

You're making me want to get married - I've always discarded the idea because of family complications but the sound of your wedding is making me reconsider...

Flisspaps - I too would have got the staff or something to escort them out!

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:46

And where in OP does it say that the potential guest is expecting or assuming anything?

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 12:48

Your question was about assumptions, not the OPs!

Get over what? Its not my wedding, I dont give a toss!

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:49

Yeah, sounds like it! Hmm If anything the OP is assuming - that guests will want to attend!

minipie · 11/02/2011 12:50

Agree with the majority here.

If you're not inviting any of your (younger) guests' partners, then perfectly ok to leave out these partners too.

I wouldn't justify it on the basis of married/unmarried or living/not living together though - just "no partners for the young uns".

perfectly fair, especially for a small wedding.

but do make it very clear early on - otherwise there may well be assumptions that partners are invited.

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 12:50
Biscuit
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 12:52

Calm down, dears!

Maggie - awww, thanks! I've got family issues too (my parents are being very cagey and trying to shift the whole cost on to the fiance - but that's another AIBU!). Also, my fiance's side consists of the following guests: his mother and her ex-husband (his stepfather)...his grandmother and yet her ex-husband...with his partner of 30 years! Luckily, they're all repressed enough to keep it in the bag.

At some point, it just occurs to you to 'fuck it! It's my wedding and my legal/spiritual/other agreement! Nobody else made the proposal and nobody else but me accepted it! This is a 2 party contract!'

OP posts:
Supersunnyday · 11/02/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.