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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude BFs/GFs from my wedding?

201 replies

Spenguin · 11/02/2011 11:40

We're having a very small and intimate wedding. The ceremony will be at a very secluded location and will only consist of groom, official, photographer, driver and me. A few days later, we'll be having a reception.

We only really want 25 (absolute max) people there. One guest's GF has already been knocked off our list - I've never met her, DP's only met her once (and that was, oddly enough(!), just after engagement had been announced). Also, her boyfriend (our guest) always arranges meet-ups and dinners and things with either my fiance or the both of us...and she's NEVER there. I mean NEVER. We had an on-going joke with the friend that he was just making her up.

I see and have no problem in not inviting her. She has been dating our guest for about 2-3 years, I think. Another one of our guests (whom we adore and is someone we would consider being a future's child's godfather) can't bear her either and excludes her from invitations that are made to the guest/her boyfriend. So, kind of hoping this justifies me a bit. I wouldn't want Future Godfather to be made uncomfortable by her presence either. The friend/her boyfriend has also said that he can't see himself marrying her etc etc, and in essence, is waiting for it to fizzle out. No comment.

However, I have a friend that I like very much, exactly alike etc etc. Yet, neither my fiance nor me can stand her boyfriend (they have been dating since October - reception is this summer). He is bizarre and controlling...frankly, a bit of a smug bastard. We hosted a dinner party at a restaurant, I bothered to send out proper invitations etc etc and the guy swans in, posing and strutting...only half the party had been seated and he calls the water over and asks for still and sparkling for the table. [I was furious and held it in - whilst manically squeezing my fiance's thigh in a 'cheeky bugger! Let's see if he orders the lobster just to take us for a ride' manner]. Throughout the meal he ordered martinis...and encouraged others at the table to do so by way of declaring them lovely, life-changing, great etc.

I can't bear his showboating and, I don't care if I'm being a Bridezilla by saying this...IT'S MY BLOODY WEDDING! After the meal, the two of them started havingsimulatedsex getting very touchy feely. I don't want that at my wedding reception. I think that's really disrespectul in a lot of circumstances...not least an intimate wedding reception.

I've made clear to my friend that I have a policy of no plus ones - if you're married...that's fine. If you're gf and bf, nah! She, through text, agreed on the 'no plus ones' concept at weddings. However, she always bangs on about him and texted, when I told her the location of the reception, that she and him were planning on visiting that place soon but would hold off and save the trip for the reception. Does she think he's getting an invitation?

Please help!

OP posts:
mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 15:57

"Then can you tell me what a nine course taster thingy is?"

Lots of stuff on very tiny plates. Quite a lot of it unrecognisable. Some of it very tasty. None of it filling.

GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 15:58

PS. Forget to all "likely to be pretentious".

GloriaSmut · 11/02/2011 16:00

Christonabike....

that should read:

"Forgot to add 'likely to be pretentious.'"

The food, that is.

coatgate · 11/02/2011 16:00

Shock £300 per head. If my maths serves me correctly that is £7500 for a small reception.

Tis your wedding. Invite who you want.

But £7500 on food for so few people.

ValiumSandwichTime · 11/02/2011 16:02

Are there actually, only two plus ones that you feel you will be expected to invite but don't actually want to invite?

I would just invite them. If having this policy was going to save you from inviting 24 people you'd never met then everybody would understand the money issues and the small wedding but ... the bf of a good friend of yourS? The day might be quite hard for her if she's standing around wondering who to chat to next.

stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 16:06

"I think you will find that space is limited and you would have "loved" to have invited more guests but finances prevented it."

I think you'll find that the beach is large and with 7,500 to spend they could have invited their closest friends' DPs, had they wanted to.

A wedding, of all parties, is not an event where you split up couples... I think you are rather missing the point.

If you want to keep your three friends, I'd invite their partners if I were you.

Original poster
Spenguin · 11/02/2011 16:07

Coatgate - yes, it is a lot...and that price is excluding service and state sales tax. However, we preferred to forfeit other things e.g. a honeymoon so that we could really remember the event, give our chosen guests something to really enjoy to and also for it to act as a way to convey how glad we are that they are there.

Many thanks for the constructive comments and well wishes!

OP posts:
Suchffun · 11/02/2011 16:25

Coatgate - yes, it is a lot...and that price is excluding service and state sales tax. However, we preferred to forfeit other things e.g. a honeymoon so that we could really remember the event, give our chosen guests something to really enjoy to and also for it to act as a way to convey how glad we are that they are there.

I can save you some money here OP.

  1. Get married to someone you love, it makes it very memorable. Take some photos as back up.
  1. Invite guests and their partners, and make them feel welcome. You'll find they really enjoy that.
  1. Say to your guests 'thanks for coming, it means a lot to us'.

Ta da, issues solved, and instead
of 7.5k on food, my consultancy fee is a
piddling 1k. Win win!

Lizzywishes · 11/02/2011 16:39

Trouble with this is, your friends who have to come alone won't enjoy the reception as much without their partners. I think it's odd to exclude partners from a celebration of partnership! Choose a cheaper menu and invite a few more people, or have just immediate family and no friends. Fret less over the food. My SIL and BIL were unbelievably pretentious over the food for their wedding and really it doesn't matter. A year later I can't even remember what it was.

Lizzywishes · 11/02/2011 16:43

Meant also to say that At all stages of our relationship I would have valued an invitation for my DP (now my DH) far far more than an expensive meal. Have fewer courses and the house wine and show true generosity by including your friends' loved ones!

stubbornhubby · 11/02/2011 16:48

what lizzywishes said.

PukeyMummy · 11/02/2011 16:49

OP, YANBU.

I look back at my wedding photos and reckon we paid about £1000 (£100 a head) for people we didn't know or barely knew to attend our wedding, eat, drink and be merry, because they were the OHs (at the time) of friends of ours. Oh, and my boss's wife. I hated my boss.

And at the same time we couldn't invite many of our family members. We were in our twenties at the time and afraid of offending people, would definitely have done things differently now, ten years down the line!

Oh, and many of the photos of our family can no longer be put up in our home because one family member decided to drag her on-again/off-again boyfriend into all of the family photos and he is now persona non grata.

And we paid for our wedding ourselves. I think if parents or someone else pays then it's fair they have a say, but if you pay yourselves then it should be your choice.

PukeyMummy · 11/02/2011 16:50

I also meant to say, a friend invited me to their wedding without my OH. I went along, had a good time, wasn't offended in the slightest.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/02/2011 16:59

Many moons ago my now dh had been invited to a wedding before I came on the scene. I of course did not expect to be invited. However, I met the couple before the wedding and they invited me along which I thought was very sweet of them.

amberleaf · 11/02/2011 17:02

OP, i think the uninvited are best off out of it!

You sound like a right arse.

breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 17:12

Ok, i have changed my mind. YABU and there is a bit of stealth in not mentioning the £300 to begin with.

You want your meal "to act as a way to convey how glad we are that they are there and how much we hate your BF/GF"

itssnotfunny · 11/02/2011 17:14

are elton and david on your A list wedding list? Are they allowed to bring the baby or not because they are not breastfeeding it ?

TechnoKitten · 11/02/2011 17:22

I'm wondering if people are deliberately misreading the OP or are trying to be offensive for the fun of it.

As I see it, there are 2 couples who pose a problem.

Couple A - long term ie over 2-3 years. However, you've never met the girl concerned, her own bf has said to you that she's not his long term partner and he expects it to fizzle out, on any social event you attend with him she is never there. I see no problem with not inviting this one and I can't imagine your friend will have an issue with her not being invited either.

Couple B - shorter term / few months and the bf is an arse. Well, you can't choose who your friends have as lovers or partners. This one's a bit more tricky as from your OP it seems your friend is expecting her partner to be invited - perhaps she sees the relationship as more serious than you do? (or want to?) Personally I would have no problem not inviting him but then I have very little patience for pretentious arses. Is it possible that you've misconstrued her comment? And that she & partner will delay their visit to the restaurant until after she's attended your reception so it won't be like a "been there done that"? Unlikely but possible.

The other issue is location / travel. If your guests are going to have to be away for more than a weekend then the bf may object to his gf attending and it's entirely possible he'll give her some kind of ultimatum (wedding or me type scenario, hate controlling people).

You need to have a chat with your friend without him there about all this really.

You're not being unreasonable wanting only your nearest and dearest at your special day and you're not being unreasonable to exclude plus-1s.

Good luck & many congratulations, sure you'll have a fab time.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 11/02/2011 17:49

YANBU

Personally I don't think anyone should have to have at their wedding anyone who

a. they don't/barely know.
b. the little they do know about that person they don't like.

The OP wants a small, intimate wedding with people she knows and likes. What' wrong with that?

starfishmummy · 11/02/2011 17:57

Of course it's up to you who you invite but people may get offended and decide not to come, so you have to be prepared for that.

minipie · 11/02/2011 18:08

Hang on... you are asking people to travel to a different continent for your wedding?

In that case, my view is a bit different. I still think you don't have to invite the boyfriend/girlfriend, BUT I would be surprised if your friends will go without them.

I wouldn't want to travel half way round the world (using up some of my precious holiday allowance) without my boyfriend of 2-3 years. Not because I'd be offended he wasn't invited - just because I would prefer to spend my holiday time with him.

Suspect you'll lose yourself a guest there. If you're ok with that, no problem.

MadamDeathstare · 11/02/2011 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vj32 · 11/02/2011 18:22

We only invited guests we had met. So no random girlfriends/boyfriends partners. The only exception we made - at special request, was a new (ish) but serious girlfriend of a family member who had recently been divorced. In the circumstances although we hadn't met the girlfriend we thought it would be unpleasant for him to be at a wedding reception on his own.

Whatever you do you have to be happy with the choices you make. I wanted to sit down in years to come with my children and be able to explain who everyone was in the photos. Thats why we had a small wedding, and we only invited people we know who are a regular part of our lives.

vj32 · 11/02/2011 18:23

Etiquette rules are silly.