To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

I expect people will have differing views, but YANBU in my view. She sounds like my Mum, who rang me during my (very stressful) second pregnancy once in floods of tears about how she felt that she was being "pushed out" of this pregnancy - oh, do us a favour, love.

Could you not call her once a week midweek after the DCs are in bed, just to have a wee catch up call, like "DD did this, DS did this today" and leave the Dc chat till weekends? That way she will still feel involved.

Hmmm....I am totally sensing and empathising with your irritation on this one....but the soft arse in me says she's only got one son, she clearly loves him every bit as much as you do your dc, and I don't think two phone calls a week is particularly pushy.

It's a shame you can't spare your hubby's mum ten minutes mid week....well...you CAN...but it's a shame you don't want to. Such a small gesture would mean so much to an old lady whose son can't really be bothered with her.

cant you do skype then little one can see granny and she can see him

oh, just realised she may not have a computer

ignore all that then lol

Hmmm that might be an idea littleonemum - apart from it being last thing I want to do once I've got DCs to bed and before I start cooking. It would just feel artificial - I've never done it, and I don't really want to encourage her to call more or to create an expecation that I will call. I only speak to my own mum once a week FGS as she doesn't live close by and barely get time to speak to my mates, that's why I resent it.

I think your DH has to explain to her that now that DS1 is at school, he is tired when he gets in and then has homework and then bed, so he's just a bit too tired and grumpy to be chatty. TBH I'd also start trying to get through to her that as DC get a bit older they have lots of other things distracting their attention too, so she doesn't have to get upset about him not wanting to chat every weekend either. 5 is a tricky age - he's old enough to not be interested, and not old enough to understand that she misses speaking to him if he doesn't do it.

Arrange a set day for her to phone but tell her that if the DC do not want to speak to her you will not force them.

I think she is being unreasonable. She is trying to force a relationship with her Grandchildren.

We live in Switzerland. We see my parents in Scotland about twice a year. My DC have a great relationship with my parents, but still don't always want to chat when they call.

Take the 10 mins out of your day to please her. It is not much.

Then rant about it on here.

No no, pictish, my DH can be bothered with her and really goes out of his way for her - I would love to think my DS's will be so thoughtful towards me when I'm old - but there's only so much he can do, he's incredibly busy with work - sometimes doesn't see his own kinds from Mon - Fri. She knows this. I know if I was a better person I'd do it but every time I have all these good intentions they collapse after a while or another stupid comment from her. Have thought about Skype - going to investigate to see whether she's likely to be able to do it or not - her computer skills are VV limited. Oh, and I send her loads of photos of them once a month too

Skype is very easy to use. You can set it up for her and she just has to click answer when you phone.

Although she will then see you trying to bribe DS to speak to her. :)

I don't suppose she has internet does she?

My Mum's friend used to speak to her grandaughter via the webcam or they would just put it on for a pre-arranged time so she could watch her play.

I know it's a pain, but it's worth it. I tend to call my MIL once in the week while I am cooking, and to be honest I quite like it, I have her on speaker and I gabble away for ten minutes talking about DD's first tooth etc and I could have been speaking to Santa for all her input tbh. It seems to me that if your DH has begged you to do it, it might be worth it, if only for him... x

Yes Mme Lindt it's precisely that - trying to force something that isn't there and I wish she'd pack it in. Both DCs are brilliant with her when she's staying with us - DS1 adores her. Just never wants to speak to her on phone, or my parents for that matter.

Erm... I'm sorry, I think YABU. She clearly loves them dearly and one more phone call a week isn't too much. Be honest with her though, say the DC are abit funny about talking on the phone so it my be brief or get your DC to draw pictures of what they have been up too and send - make it not a chore for them. Tell her the midweek calls have to be shorter because of school - I cannot imagine being a grandmother to children I love as much as my own and not being allowed a quick phone call to say hello. :)

Chickencrisps that's a great idea. I'm sure DH or the other family members who can link her up to skype.

It's great for my MIL, who can watch her GC playing, etc- even though they live in Canada. Much less stressful than trying to get the kids to talk on the phone, because they can see Grandma and show her things.

Oh, just thought.

I used to put Skype on when we were doing something fun - baking or bathtime - so that my parents could watch and comment. Then there is not the pressure to chat and get them to communicate, but she feels more part of their lives.

It's going to take, what, 5 minutes to get DCs to say, "Hello Granny!" surely? I really don't see how you can be so busy that you can't spare 5 minutes midweek to have a brief hello. It doesn't need to be a long chat especially if you talk at the weekend too - maybe just get the DCs to yell hello at her, tell her which reading book DC1 is reading, and then make a swift goodbye. My DCs say Hi to Granny on the phone every day - sometimes they have a chat, sometimes they just yell Hello from the other side of the room, either is fine.

She's lonely, she's your DC's GP and your husband's mother. How would you feel when you get old if your DiL couldn't be bothered to stick the grandchildren on the phone for 5 mins twice a week?

God, thought of her tuning in to watch them play sends a slight shiver down my spine...!

if i were you i would give her a midweek phone call, but i'd do it in the morning after you'd dropped DS1 off at school (does child number 2 go to nursery?) i'd do it for your husband.

if she complains that she wants to speak to DS1 i would just let her know he's in school and your calling now whilst you have a spare 5 minutes, as you're really busy for the rest of the day. that should be enough for her, but then once we get old we do become terribly demanding. i don't think she can help it.

YANBU. Tell Dh it is not fair on DS1. He obviously knows that DS1 doesn't enjoy the phone, and making him do it more often is not fair.

DH needs to tell MIL that DS1 struggles with the phone, and more often is not going to happen.

I think YANBU i have similar but luckily slightly better situation in that i do get on quite well with my MIL so do ring her sometimes/skype when DC are in bed or out.

But she pressurises them so much to talk to her on Skype, DS1 is 4.5, just like your DS1 doesn't want to talk after school, or when he's busy playing/doing something else. He loves to chat to her when she's here and she badgers him through Skype as she doesn't get it. And says things like 'Grandma won't give you a kiss if you don't talk to me' etc :(

DS2 (3) is developmentally delayed and doesn't really talk anyway, sometimes he likes to see his little pic on Skype so is looking at that & she'll take it as interest in her - which i let slide as everyone is happy, but he is more likely to run off and play than 'chat' to her.

Does your MIL have Skype? at least then she can see the kids and see if they are busy/watch them play, or they can do a little dance or something then run off.

Otherwise I would tell your DH no, and he can stick with his weekend calls, and has he ever realised how much 'fun' they are? maybe he could see that it's no fun for the DC or you either.

And, FWIW, i don't speak to my parents as much as MIL wants to speak to me, we're a more independent sort of family.
(oh and pg with DC3 too)

She comes to stay every 6-8 weeks, and she has a long phone call every weekend from her son and GC. You are pregnant with two young children and not surprisingly tired and very busy. You are not being unreasonable. You are not personally responsible for her happiness and you are not being neglectful. In my opinion also, the kids are too young to have a meaningful conversation by phone particularly more than once a week, and should not be coerced or forced to do so against their will (I don't mean if it is just a matter of just a little encouragement, but if they absolutely don't want to why should they, that is just cruel).

I just don't understand the comments that you can't be bothered, it just seems as though it is coming from someone of granny-age who is getting worried that they won't be centre-focus in their grown-up son's life. You just sound busy and trying to cope.

I can't help feeling sorry for your MIL here. And no, it's not out of some sort of Grandmotherly Solidarity either. But she sounds like a nice woman whose only crime is loving her grandchildren and she's really asking very little of you - especially when you consider the very real problems some people have with interfering MILS.

Also, the more you avoid her, the more upset she'll be and the more she'll call DH. Who, unless he has the hardest of hearts, is likely to resent your refusal to at least meet the problem halfway.

So why not phone her and say that it won't always be possible to make a midweek call because your DC are very busy with school, etc., but that you'll try your best or perhaps say that in the absence of a call, you'll send photos and drawings regularly. That way nobody has to be forced to speak to the poor woman!

Yes she threatens to stop talking to DS1 and not bring him sweets etc if he won't come to phone. Is def of the school of granny who likes children to perform like little seals. I get the point about it being a small thing to do - I really do and of course I have the time most of time. I am likely going to be a MIL in future, am more than aware of all implications of that - but she is just pushy in a way that I know I will never be. Aaarghh!

I think you're a saint having her to stay so often!

Crikey, I don't want to speak to my mother once a week and speak to mil on a needs must basis only.

I think yanbu to set your boundaries. She's not your mother and she's not your friend. Why force a relationship - it'll only breed resentment and annoyance and make things worse.

Once a week is fine to keep in touch over the phone with little children. When they're older they can make up their own minds.

Why doesn't your dh phone her mid-week and keep her up to speed? Could he not do it on his way home or while dinner is being made?

Also you could start sending her the kids' artwork - we seem to get loads of stuff back from school or nursery that can't all be kept for posterity (or the bin). Doting Granny might feel more involved?

I like the idea of getting the DC to draw a picture and posting it to her. You could add a postcard to say hi and keep her updated on what they've been doing for the week. The DC could sign it with kisses, which would make her happy.

Explain that they don't like speaking on the phone, because it must hurt her feelings when they refuse to talk. I sympathise because it's hard to force a relationship that just isn't there for you, but remember that your DH loves her and she loves him and your DC. That has to count for something, even if she is hard work.

Remember that you are doing this for your husband. If he is stressed then you owe it to him to relieve some of the burden if you can.