To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

I really don't get those who are saying it is unreasonable not to want to phone midweek.

The OP is not talking about upping a once a month call to fortnightly, which would be fine. It is already once a week and that is often enough.

As the OP says she only speaks to her own Mum once a week, I'm the same. It is a reasonable timescale and I don't see why the children and the OP should be pushed into more.

How on earth is MIL DH's responibility, no wonder MIL's have such a bad relationship with the DIL's

I speak to my MIL on almost a daily basis. I just put the phone on speaker and talk to her when I am cooking dinner. She likes to hear about what the DCs have got up to etc. I sometimes tune out when she is wittering away about the gardining club, but she is 84. DCs are teenagers now and still happy to have a quick chat.
An extra 10 minutes a week is nothing, but until the op is a gm herself she won't appreciate how much gc mean to the GP, then it may be too late.

Thanks Winky - I am of exactly the same view! Trying to have a conversation with anyone with children in the background is like a form of torture. I don't even try half the time - just leave it to weekends to call friends when children are distracted with dad.

Just got in from school to find a message on the phone from her, saying she will call back later. The woman's relentless. That's the other thing - she will come and stay, see what chaos it is in the house between 5.00 and 7.30, say she doesn't know how I do it, I must be exhausted etc then go home and call the next day... between 5 and 7.30. She knows that I go to collect DS1 from school between 2.45 and 3.45 yet persists in calling then. Then complains to DH that I am never in when she rings and she feels ignored. Duh!

I can't see myself ever thinking it is my DIL's duty to call me and keep me updated on everything. If I happen to have that kind of relationship with her, great. If not, you can't make it happen. I have 2 friends who refuse to go and stay at MIL's houses. That, in my view, is pushing reasonableness to the limit. I don't think I'm being unduly harsh.

PS she doesn't want DH to call her in week. She wants to speak to DCs (which he can't help with as he's at work) and she wants more from me in terms of chat and detail about their lives. Which DH does give her on a Saturday - how DS1 is doing at school, what DS2 has been up to, how swimming is going etc. Oh, and he spent Sunday morning with them doing a craft session so that he could post stuff to her. Bless him, he is blameless in this. It's just that it's not enough for her because we're her only family and she has all the time in the world to think about them and chat. She was a SAHM in 70s with 1 child and a teacher for a husband who was home by 5 every day and loads of family close by. I'm in the teenies (??) with nearly 3 children, a husband who works 13 hour days and no family nearby. But she seems to think I have all time in world

How often does you dh have these calls with your mother mini?

Oops cross posts, i retract, DH is fine, just another 'needs-her-own-life' MIL

Well never, obviously! That's the other thing - the feminist side of me riles against the fact that women are expected/obliged to do the womanly gossipy chatty thing because hey, that's what we're good at right? Especially when we've given up a career so we can stay home and chat. MIL has that expectation of me as her DIL and I am in clear breach of that duty. If DH was SAHD I can't see me expecting him or him agreeing to shoot the breeze with my parents on a regular basis. It's a gender thing. That's why I'd never do it to my DIL. Unless, of course, I'm proven wrong and so deranged by love for my DGCs that I lose all sense of perspective, which is what's happening here to an extent. Could happen! Just waiting for her to call back, will be 4.30 on dot...

I think you're being quite mean-spirited tbh. Whether or not she is actually making a reasonable request (which I happen to think she is), you just don't want to do it for her, do you?

I think you ought to just suck it up and do it. Either that or set up Skype so she can, like others have said, just watch the children playing and you don't have to be in the room.

She just sounds like a nice old lady who wants to be in the children's lives a bit more. Can't you at least give her that?

Some real nastiness on this thread. This is your DH's mother and the grandmother of your DCs. If you cannot give an elderly lady the courtesy of a 10 minute phone call, then I am sorry for you!

As for your son being reluctant to talk, surely you should be impressing upon him the importance of family relationships and of respect to others.

Yes, deranged, that's what it is. Wanting to have a telephone call with your DIL and GC is of course because she is 'deranged by love'.

How dare the woman love you all?

But the poor kid doesnt want to talk to her either!

I would hate this too. I would feel I was being manipulated into doing something that, frankly, I would come to resent so much that it would eat into my week. Not proud of it, but there you go.

Interesting that she has asked him to ask you to call her. What has been stopping her just phoning mid-week? Or id I miss that bit?

OP - I would find this oppressive - I hate the phone, and I hate persuading my DCs to talk to people on it when they don't want to.

That said, she does sound like this means an awful lot to her - whether it should or shouldn't is moot. I think you'll feel better if you can find some way around this, as others have suggested. - picture sounds a good one.

I'm a mother of boys, and I see the problem - the desire to be close to the GC, but where the relationship has to be negotiated via the DIL (naturally). No, it's probably not unreasonable for her to want to speak to them twice a week, but it does put a bit of a practical burden on you. I hope, as a MIL, I'd be sensitive to that.

My MIL dies when my DS1 was a baby. But I suspect she would have been like this

died , not dies

Look, why is the OP being berated for not wanting to speak to her MIL, and for being exasperated when her MIL phones.

My MIL phones every Sunday morning while we are having breakfast. Sometimes I would just like to have breakfast in peace instead of watching my DH talk to his mum and then his sister (who phones right after MIL).

IMO, the issue with the OP is not the fact that she has to spend 10 mins on the phone to her MIL. It is the MIL being rather controlling and demanding.

Why should Minimuffin and her DH have to give her a running commentary of their lives?

It is burdensome to feel that someone else's happiness depends upon you, and I'm getting a sense here that this means a disproportionately large amount to the MIL.

But I still think you should find some way to make her happy, that is less trouble for you.

Maybe that's being wussy and giving in to someone else's controlling-ness, but I still think it

clam - good question If she wants the DIL to call her, then maybe it suggests she is showing some consideration - she wants to make sure it's a time that suits the DIL

either that or she wants to save on phone bills

Sounds like you have a grandSmother, not a grandmother. I know the feeling.

I cant wait to be old, and be such a burden to my family that two short phone calls a week is too much for them to bear.

I don't think it's a great deal to ask.

She is elderly, she lives miles away, your DH is her only son, and your DCs her only grandchildren.

Try not to think of it as a nuisance, try to remember that she's not always going to be around and these 'phone calls are giving her some pleasure, why deny her that - it's not too much.

Okay, I get that it's uncomfortable - but you've already said the kids are great with her in person they just don't like to talk on the 'phone, - but if she still wants to do it, it must still be pleasing her.

My own MIL was lovely, kind and warm - but, yes I found irritations like I was working FT before I had my kids but she would ask me to do her running around and not my SIL who didn't work and had grown up DCs. I found out later that she felt more comfortable asking me, - I felt so guilty about being irritated by her.

She sadly died before I had my DCs and I miss her terribly - and the time she could have had with them, - I can honestly say I would have had them talk to her every day if I could.

Don't be selfish now and regret it later.

Essay over.

I know, I know, I am being mean-spirited and I wish I was a bigger person and could just get over it. I don't get any pleasure out of this. But it's a tricky one. She does call me clam, just persists in calling either when I'm doing school run (as per this afternoon), when I happen to be out (I have a life) or at a really bad time - between 5 and 7.30 when I have told her (kindly) that that's my busiest time of day when the DCs are at their worst. My DH has told her repeatedly - I heard him do it last night - that the best time to call is 4.30. She called today at 3. Then feels excluded when I'm not there to talk - there's only so much you can do! Right, just going to round up kids and call her back...

mini - I normally feel better when I have been the one to call. It feels more under my control.

I am all for close relationships, and speak with my own mum every day, but even I think she is being unreasonable! In our family, we have 6 grandparents/step-grandparents in four houses (divorce etc) and I really think a once a week main catch up on a Sun is more than enough unless you are very close. I simply couldn't get round them all twice a week, I'd spend most evenings on the phone to them!

My one suggestion, which others have made, is to get Skype and stick the camera on and let your little ones do the chatting. My eldest has gone from grunting 'hi' down the phone to having long involved conversations with her granny, as with Skype they can also type as well as talk (we also have a language barrier so no-one understands what the other is saying!)

I think direct communication is best, I think trying to constantly mediate between them and interpret is a mistake once they are old enough to hold a phone and say a few sentences. Let them listen and tell a few stories, mine like to bore her as much as she bores them! I was convinced my two would not be able to manage without me in the room (aged 6/7 and 5) and actually they do very well.

tbh i dont think that the MIL will be happy anyway, when its Sundays and Wednesday call time she will want more. I dont feel that its up to you, any of you, to make her happy, you are not responsible for her feelings. Doesnt she have any friends? no hobbies? it sounds like your family is her only interest and thats not healthy for her anyway.

And asking for a running commentary of your life is a pain in the arse and well, just too much.

You've already got enough on your plate. Let DH take on more with this one (he could take the kids to see her more, for example. You could put your feet up! You are pg..) She's his mum, after all, and the children should NOT be forced to speak to her or feel socially responsible for her. She's obviously very lonely, and I feel sorry for her. But she should get out more and see friends or take up a few new interests.

I like some of the suggestions on here about Skype and sending her some of the kids' artwork/photos now and again.

I know! If she gets motivated about staying in touch with the kids more via Skype, etc, how about getting her PC literate? There are tons of free courses now for using computers, my mum's doing one, and she's in her 70s.

The older generation can be hard work. They often don't have enough to occupy them, and become increasingly isolated and self centred. However, we may all be in that place one day, and I hope my own grandkids don't end up resenting me.

You just sound like you're very busy and probably tired. Let DH come up with the solutions. You shouldn't be given more to do, it's not fair.