To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

You know,I think you have just got to do the call.
The gain is greater than the cost. We all do things we don't want to do to try and offer some small kindness to our MIL. I used to find it a pain in the neck having to visit mil and fil once a month pre move from where it is not now possible. I cannot lie- it is great not having that duty anymore as it was usually pretty depressing visiting- mental health issues with mil meaning ....well you can imagine. But we just got in the car and did that 250 mile round trip because.....you do need to sometimes go against your own desires to do the right thing and just doing that repeatedly makes you a better person. She needs the call. Give her the call.

postscript

Can I add that my mil- who we called just as we landed from our 2 week honeymoon to a pretty remote place with limited phone access- was really angry as to why we had not called for 2 weeks. The honeymoon did not even feature in her logic- she expected her twice weekly calls come hell or honeymoon.We apologised and explained/reminded we had been on our honeymoon.

You just suck it up because if it wasn't for you MIl you would not have your lovely kind hard working husband.She must have caused him somehow to be such a good man- it is all about the mothering most of the time, let's face it.

I know how irritating it can be, but it is part of being a kind person and she probably did the same for her MIL.

All this nonsense about setting boundaries- we are the mememe generation and 2 quick calls a week will make an old lady happy so do it. Imagine if your kids' partners are like this with you one day should you end up on your own.The day could come to us all.

Tell her to send the grandkids little pressies during the week now and again. Doesn't have to be - book from Oxfam or the odd sweetie. Then they will have to ring her to say thank you. Then its up to her to keep it interesting. You can't expect wonders in social empathy from little kids.

A lot of people have said on this thread, well, think how you'd feel if you were a MIL, and when you are, you'll appreciate it etc.

I won't, if everytime I call, everyone rolls their eyes. I'd hate to think that people only spoke to me out of obligation and duty. I'd rather have one nice genuine conversation and a visit, than fake chats that everyone dreads.

That's why I still think promoting the relationship between the GP and the GC is the best way, it doesn't rely on you to like them lots or want to chat lots, step back and start letting them decide when to call her (they can check if she is on Skype), given them the phone and the phone no, or do Skype, or set up a card/piece of paper and ask them to do a drawing for granny and so on. If they can take the initiative themselves, so much the better. If they don't now and you have to make them, what's it going to be like when they are teens and all stroppy.

Why do you keep saying you have nothing in common.
You have a DH and DCS in common which you both obviously love. If youo can't find 10 minutes once a week to talk about them, you must be incredibly self centred.

Onetoomany, what if the kids never take the initiative as they just arent interested though, where do you go from there, if i had been given a choice between talk to aged relative or play ...well i was and i always chose play. I wouldnt be making my 5 year old feel responsible for his grandmothers feelings. Too much. When shes there they are great with her, they see each other regularly, they already forced to speak on a weekend, they are going to like the woman less and less if there is all ths pressure around their relationship.

This is such a difficult one as she's sounds very lonely. But you're feeling under pressure and her emotional blackmail (not necessarily intentional but I imagine that's how it must feel) is not helping.

It sounds as though you do loads for her with her visits and weekend calls but I agree with everyone who's suggested skype. Just to have 10 minutes here and there to chat with you or DH with the DC in the background might take a bit of the pressure off and she'll be able to see that they're busy playing or whatever and maybe won't feel the need to get you to force them to speak.

Don't envy you, though - we've had very similar problems with my elderly dad and it's hard when the more you give the more someone wants. And you do sound as though you're trying to see it from her point of view, but she's not making it easy.

Forgot to say, one thing that helps with my dad is an occasional random phone call that he's not expecting, just to say hi or share a bit of news (we always speak with him at the weekends). That way he's not waiting for the phone to ring and we're not feeling guilty but he feels included.

She's DHs mother, he should be the one calling her - whether it's once or twice a week is up to them to arrange. How about putting a couple of the kids drawings in an envelope once a week and scribbling a note with them? Maybe the odd photo too. I know it takes time but I'm with you on the excrutiatingness of getting little kids to talk on the phone. Your post rings lots of bells about how I feel re. my MIL. Your mother is your responsibility, his mother is his.

'How about putting a couple of the kids drawings in an envelope once a week and scribbling a note with them? Maybe the odd photo too. '

How about DH do it, does he do all these things for your mother? DOes anyone know of any bloke that does this for their mother? let alone someone elses?? I bet he get coffee breaks or whatever at work - something a SAHM doesnt bloody get. And yes he may well be doing lots, but if more needs doing its his job - if it were the op's mother complaining for more attention who would do it? yeah exactly!

I often ring DH's 90-year-old grandma for a chat because there's no emotional blackmail involved at all. He doesn't ask me to, I'm happy to do it. I do resist calling his mum though because I end up feeling I can never do enough. She'll never feel she gets enough - she's in good health and in her 60s, but emotionally draining. I leave DH to deal with her.

Janni - I think that's a good point. It's got nothing to do with age, really. It's personality and circumstances. And 75 is not that old

Minimuffin
Is your MIL forrin? My MIL is German and there are sometimes crossed wires, from a cultural point of view.

As I understand, she comes to see you every 6 to 8 weeks, and you go there twice a year.

FFS, folks. That is FAR from selfish. I love my MIL and get on well with her but would NEVER have her here as often as that.

You don't have to do any more than you're doing now, minimuffin. I too have three dcs and it's bonkers how busy we are.

One phone call per week where she gets the low down on your lives, regular photos and a visit every six to eight weeks is ample.

It's up to her to keep herself busy and occupied. Not to lay on the guilts. That's a poor show. You and your dh show attention, love and give her time. That's all that is reasonable to ask for imo.

And as for the arguments, "She'll be dead in a few years, suck it up," or "Without her, you wouldn't have your lovely dh , suck it up," what a load of rot. Her own son isn't that keen on seeing her either.

I promise never ever ever to lay such guilt trips on my own dcs. It's quite wrong especially when the op and her dh already do plenty for her.

After cleaning my MILs bottom, I don't think you have so much to complain about. She is old and needs companionship. It can be very frightening getting old knowing those Pearly Gates are just around the corner.
Even though your son is very young, explain how important it is to her that she hears his voice and that we all have responsibilities to our nearest and dearest.

Mme Lindt she is N Irish and I came to realise only quite recently that in her eyes I may as well be Thai, or Icelandic, or Syrian. The English and N Irish are pretty different culturally. I know she thinks I'm a cold English fish. I think over there it's all about the chat, the stories, they're big on sharing and talking - they love an anecdote with a punchline. She and her sisters call each other literally every day so it's not as if she's short of an ear to bend, or lonely. There is also sometimes a language barrier. They just use different words for some stuff and it can mean wires get crossed easily. She saves up little anecdotes to tell DCs that she thinks they will find fascinating and hilarious but they go straight over their heads (and mine half the time) and tells me things I've heard a hundred times but once she's embarked on the story, it has to be finished come hell or high water or wittering children in the background. V trying... But thanks for the comments, it's a help to vent and get some perspective. I read some stuff about ILs on here and know that I'm not too badly off. She doesn't live up the street for starters...

Yanbu

Grandmar, she does hear her grandson's voice. Stop the melodrama!

i don't believe anyone is too busy to make a 10 minute phone call, i don't care how many children you have.
I think you are being quite mean spirited about this.

No melodrama just deal with a load of shit (literally) as carers are not always there'
She is 97.

Need to justify and care or her living standards are non-existent!

But that's a completely separate issue.

I don't think someone should be made to feel guilty for not wanting to talk on the telephone to someone she's doesn't particularly like.

And she's certainly not depriving the grandma of any relationship with the gcs. That's the meoldrama I'm talking about really.

I get the impression lots of posters on here will be expert on laying on the guilt trips when their dcs are grown and not necessarily as attentive as they would like.

Suggest to MIL that as DS1 is now at school you thought it might be a good idea for him to practice his writing and drawing and that perhaps the two of them could exchange letters every week or so. Save the phonecall for the weekend. If he is anything like mine, always drawing so just send one of those and ask MIL to send something back. Put it from the angle of how much he'd learn from it. If DS2 scribbles anything just add that to the envelope. Keep a supply of envelopes and stamps and hopefully you have a post box nearby so it's not a chore for you.

Disagree with others saying you're being mean - at best my younger two DS9 & DS6 speak to grandparents for 30 secs, most of the time just give one syllable answers. Lots of kids that age don't like talking on the phone.

She sounds very lonely i would person all call her tbh but then I love chatting in the phone to anyone! My mil comes round about two days a week I don't have a problem with this I have spent years on my own for various reasons and actually it make you appreciate people who care enough to annoy you [ grin]
Back to your original post yanbu to not want to phone that's up to you but a phone call for half an hour on a Wednesday just seems such a small thing.

Oh but having said that the best mine say on the phone is "ok" amd "fine" but I let people jabber on at them they don't seem to care.

Just wondering if it was the other way round how many would be suggesting a man phone his MIL because she had cried on the phone?