To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

I think YABU. She is your childrens grandmother and a quick 5 minute call mid week on top of the weekend call is not going to hurt or inconvenience anyone I would have thought. Just imagine yourself in a similar position with your son and his children when you are that age!

I'm with you minimuffin.

My MiL is similar. Wants contact all the time, wants to chat. We have nothing in common. I'm not her friend - I'm her DiL. She doesn't really get it. I am trying to distance myself from MiL as I find the more time we spend with her, the more time she wants (it's that old give them an inch...)

I know this isn't what you suggest, but maybe just being honest. She had children, she should be able to remember what 5 yo's are like. Telling her that you don't have the time now, and will have even less when the baby comes... maybe that will make her appreciate the weekend calls, instead of wanting more more more....

I agree. God forbid I ever become such a waste of time and an irritation to my family, that a ten minute catch up twice a week is being pushy.

She is a nice woman who loves her grandchildren. Why you can't just pick up the phone and give her a ring midweek I have no idea.

YABU and not very kind.

Yanhu at all

Your dh really does need to explain to her how tired and busy you are and how tired little ones are after school and that your ds just doesnt like chatting on the phone to anyone and you will not make him feel
Bad for that!

"Why force a relationship... "

Because you are sodding well related!!!!

I don't think some people seem to get that it is not just a quick 5/10 min call is it? I bet it would be over half an hour if you did it and the added stress of trying to get a child who doesn't want to talk to talk!

Do you people who urge her to do this not remember or realise that once the school run is done it is then a mad panic to get tea on, catch up on homework and desk with bedtime?! I think you are being treated a little harshly OP as I am sure that if she rang for a 5 min how are you chat with no pushiness or expectation you would be more at ease!

OK - the 50/50 split of opinion makes me think I'm not being a total git of a DIL but should also prob do the decent thing. HM I have the same feelings as you - I respect her position in the family, she is not a bad person. I just have nothing in common with her other than her son and grandkids. I was hoping that after 5 years she might stop trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear but hey ho, I guess she lives in hope and that makes me feel a bit mean. I know that in her shoes I'd have got the idea by now. No-one is trying to stop her having a relationship with her grandkids, it's just not the easiest one.

freshmint... I don't think its necessarily being unkind.

The OP doesn't have the time, or inclination to phone. Why should she be emotionally blackmailed by her MiL? Just becasue she is an old lady who loves and misses her family, doesn't mean she should be able to dictate how the OP spends her not so free time

Jot down a short list of news to share - just two or three things at most - deliver the news, then say it's been lovely chatting but your meal is ready, speak soon.

It doesn't have to be a huge task.

YANBU your MIL sounds very pushy "she threatens to stop talking to DS1 and not bring him sweets etc if he won't come to phone" - not the actions of a good grandparent (one who truly puts GC's needs before her own)

However, I think a compromise needs to be reached for your DH's sake and to avoid more regular visits! How about a weekly letter / postcard / email rather than phone call? As hebejebe suggests you could send kids artwork too. Just something along the lines of "Dear MIL this week we have been swimming, DS1 got a merit for good behaviour in school, DS2 has learnt how to... We have enclosed some pictures that the DSs have painted for you." DS1 could add a couple of lines if he wants. This could be a lot less time consuming than a phone call, especially if you have to translate and prompt DSs.

Good luck!

she isn't being emotionally blackmailed your majesty

her mil has said "I love speaking to my grandchildren, can I talk to them on a wednesday too?"

where is the blackmail in that? She loves them and she wants a relationship with them. If the OP can't be arsed to dial a number and hold the phone to her kids ear then IMO she isn't a very nice person

Am i the only one who finds the idea of skype a bit strange, i wouldnt feel comfortable getting on with things with some old woman watching in the corner. And the idea that you should force your kids to do a jig in front of the monitor twice a week, cant think of a quicker way for them to lose interest in granny tbh....but i dont really 'get' grandparents so probably best ignoring my post

Freshmint it's not just a case of dialling a number and holding phone to my unwilling child's ear - it's a 3-way conversation and yes, takes more than 5 mins. But it's something I could grit my teeth and do and was just sounding out what most people would do in my shoes. Thanks for ideas and suggestions - off to pick up DS1 now!

"Old woman in the corner"? Is this what you think grandmothers are?

grasps Zimmer frame and hastens off to mirror

"she threatens to stop talking to DS1 and not bring him sweets etc if he won't come to phone" sounds pretty harsh to me - and fits my (albeit a bit basic) definition of emotional blackmail.

As others said, it's not just a 5 minute call (well it's not with my MiL anyway ). It's 20 minutes (if I'm lucky) with long pauses waiting for DC to say something, or time spent telling DC to get down, don't do that (ie not your full attention on the conversation).

It's not like the OP is cutting the MIL out... she gets a weekly phone call and visits on a regular basis.

BabyDubs
I used to call them my virtual babysitters. I would "leave" my parents in the living room with the DC while I did the washing up. My Mum would call if there were any problems, or if DS was getting up to mischief.

i wouldn't put your son through it. he already has to do it at the weekend. he's at an age where he doesn't want to be gabbing away on the phone, he's a little boy!

i would compromise and give her a quick midweek phone call, but i would do it when DS is at school. just update her briefly with what's happened since the weekend, tell her the kids send their love and will speak to her at weekend.

Now MmeLindt, thats my kind of thinking, Im warming to the skype thing suddenly

personally I would tell DH that if he thinks it is something that should be done, then he can get home at a reasonable hour once a week, interact with his kids, and make the call himself.

YANBU.

Would your DH call your mother once a week for a chat?

I certainly wouldn't force DS to speak to her on the phone, and I think it's completely out of order that she tells him he won't get treats if he doesn't speak to her.

Why can't your dh take 5 mins out of his day, midweek to phone her? No matter how busy his job is, surely he can find 5 minutes.

I think you are being more than accommodating with the visits, the weekly phone calls and the photographs.

BabyDubs - the dance thing is cos DS1 recently learnt some routine in PE (or something!) and wanted to show it off to me lots, perfect Skype material & the PIl love it :)

As neither DS really will chat to PIL, it's easier to show them playing, or doing 'something' as then the PIL feel more involved.
They come to visit lots too.

YANBU.

I'd never force my dcs to talk to anyone they didn't want to. They'll be much more inclined to talk to their granny if she doesn't force the issue.

I think you've got quite enough to do, minimuffin. Your mil is your dh's responsibility, not yours. You don't need the extra stress and hassle.

I think your regularly sending her photos is wonderful and kind. You both sound like you're diligent and caring, especially since she gets on your nerves.

Plus it is absolutely never a five minute phone call. It's also about marshalling the dcs, encouraging them to be there so that they can and will speak on the telephone, trying to end the call so that you can get on with the rest of the evening. It's a big effort. And it's an effort that happens every weekend when her son does it. AND she visits you quite regularly.

She's fine. She's probably just bored and wants you to fill in some gaps. My mil (very young though) is the same. Does nothing all day and wants to know every single detail of our lives, including what the dcs are wearing, for heaven's sake.

I personally never answer the 'phone to anyone until the dcs are in bed/at school unless it's an emergency. I cannot and will not try to speak to people on the telephone with three squawking children about my person.

We Skype gps every Sunday morning for at least 30 minutes and that is it. We are busy. When I'm old, I certainly will not look to bother my dcs with telephone calls more than once a week. They will have their own lives.

And I really hope I won't be as infantile as to get hurt and upset if small/young children don't particularly want to chat to me on the telephone. I will be a doddery old gimmer and little kids won't want to talk about the price of apples or how Verity McSooth lost her pension book to me. That's fine though.

What about her reading the DC a bedtime story over the phone once a week? Get duplicate copies of a few books so you can follow it at home and comment on the pictures etc.

That way granny gets an extra fix, the DCs aren't forced to 'perform' but there is still an interaction.

I like the artwork/postcard idea too, its something for her to show off to visitors.

Videos of DC doing something vaguely funny/interesting always go down well too with my relatives.