To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

I think the mil and all grandparents have a duty to back off and stop stalking their grown up children and their spouses with telephone calls - does the woman not get the hint after leaving several messages for the op? I mean, who does that?

Let your grown up children just get on with their lives and stop trying to force them into doing things for you all the time.

This grandmother gets plenty of attention. She, imo, is behaving in a spoilt way, wanting more and more and more.

I have the exact same situation.

Ask DH to call her when he has a second during the week. It's him she really wants to talk to anyway. However busy your DH is there is NO WAY he doesn't have 10 minutes at some point to call her. She's his mother so his problem, not yours.

Oh, and if he can't be bothered then why should you?

I think the OP is doing plenty for her MIL.

My PILS live 240 miles away and we speak to them once a week. It is always me who does this - DH would be happy to speak to them about once every year on the phone, but I just dial the number now, give him the phone and leave the room. I have to force myself to phone MIL every week now as she has Alzheimers and so the conversation is very difficult.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks op is being perfectly reasonable. I hope she reads the last few posts. It's not easy getting the balance with families and in the end, anything more than duty done, which she more than has IMO, comes from being the sort of person your grandchildren want to seek out themselves. No one has the right to a relationship with grandparents, it's even questionable about rights to contact if your behaviour is extreme, but op has more than fulfilled that bit.

FFS pommedeterre, does everything in this world have to be turned into a gender war. It's laughable. The DH is excused because they were discussing calls when the children came in after school and he isn't bloody well there! Do you think the op should take the kids round to the office/building site/insert traditional 'female' role here because everything comes down to gender, so they can phone from there under his supervision.

Really, calling sexist! sexist! after every post you don't like does you no favours.

How your children see you treat people is what they will base their relationships on. Good luck to those of you who think grandparents have no right to a relationship with their grandchildren because that one may bite you on the arse. But you'll be able to rise above it, won't you?

Gwendoline, you're talking shite.

The op sends the mil photos, the dh calls her once a week and fills her in, they visit often.

Anything more than that is going far beyond the call of duty. The gcs speak to their grandmother if they want to. They have a relationship with her as best as can be expected given the distance and their age.

I think those future mils who demand more - and it is demanding on busy families' time - will find themselves with much less attention simply because they become pests. In my experience, they wouldn't dare pester other people this way. Because they know they'd get short shrift.

For you to spout such rubbish as what goes around comes around is moronic. And if it does come around, then I think MiniMuffin will be pretty happy with her lot when she's a mil/grandma. I know I would be very happy with that because it is perfectly reasonable.

I mean, when the mil visits, I'm sure the op is polite, hospitable and even warm towards her. And I'm sure the dcs will model that behaviour.

Gwendoline, please read what I said about rights carefully. I absolutely agree gp's have a right, in usual circumstances, to contact. The relationship they build from that contact is down to them. It is not by chance that my relationship with mil is fantastic and mother one of duty. And I do my best I can assure you. But, from the beginning, mil supports, advises when asks, is flexible, and loves the children unconditionally. The same is not the case with my mother. And I am strong enough to say that I do my very best with my mother, but any further contact would hurt dh, my dc and me. Relationships can't be forced by spouting on about rights. Not with children, not with anyone.

the obvious solution is to give the phone to the 2 year old on speed dial to granny and then leg it into the garden - they can chat for hours - or til the 2 year old gets bored and wanders off
my 3 year old could chat for literally hours about utter crap - it is a skill she gets from her mother! if you start now, you too can achieve this with your younger offspring.
(this is actually what I would do as well and have been known to do in the past when I acan't be bothered chatting to the rellies)

Gwendoline - nothing is set in stone in terms of a relationship as it depends on the person in the relationship. The MIL is being demanding and unreasonable altering the balance of the relationship and (imo) getting her due in that she has a DIL wary of calling her.
It's not a gender war - it's a who is who's mother FFS. Why does becoming a wife mean you get a second mother and becoming a husband mean you get to shrug of all family responibility? Pile of absolute shite.
I hope to have an adult relationship with my dd (and any others I may be lucky enough to have) by the time she sprogs. An adult relationship that will facilitate the gp-gc relationship. I sincerely hope I won't go round demanding people change their lifestyle and routine to accomodate me.
Also - it is the MIL who is turning the OP's ds against her by getting stroppy about him speaking to her on the phone. He will be old enough to see the difference between this and his mum being unreasonable.

Hear hear, Pommedeterre.

And that creepy card she sent the op too.

Mini - when the conversation turned more towards DHs doing more I got the impression it wasn't specifically about your DH (sounds like he does his fair bit) but about this expectation that society in general tends to have towards women. Fwiw, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'd probably do it for my MIL but she doesn't come to stay every six weeks and is quite easy to speak to. In your case it sounds like it's hard work that comes at an inconvenient time when you're already stressed enough. Your plan to ring sporadically during the week and not force your DC to go to the phone sounds like a good one :)