To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

Of course diddl, not sure why some people on here seem to want to partition their families into his side and her side. MIL is not my DH's responisibility she is both of ours. But then it wouldn't get to that stage in our family because non of us are selfcentred enough to ignore the MIL because they "bore" us, which is exactlt what the OP is doing (notice all the me me me in the OP0

I do the talking to both my mum and Mil because I like chatting. DH works long hours and isn't around as much as I am, as I said earlier it doesn't take an awful lot to put phone on loadspeaker and carry it around with you while you are getting on with a few jobs.

YANBU - no way on God's green earth I would expect DP to phone my mother (as diddl says), so I wouldn't be mucking around ringing his mother. And I would turn the answerphone off to be honest as it sounds like a source of stress all around.

OP - your DP surely can spare 10 minutes out of his work day - over his lunchtime maybe?

I think frazmum has a top idea there - stick drawings & scribblings in the post.

It's always worth remembering that no matter how much she gets from you, she'll want more. The poor old girl is just lonely, and clearly doesn't have much other company. And, OP, you are pushed for time and energy. There's nothing like being asked to do more when you're already pushed to make you snap. DH may not see this, and he feels his wheelbarrow is full as well.

We've got around this recently by uploading family photos once or twice a season onto an online album and sending links to all far away family. If only MIL would embrace technology a bit more, it could be made a whole lot easier for you.

Trying to get some kind of interaction with her going during the bewitching hour for kids is just a non-starter.

From the OP - "she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated."

I'm not convinced she is lonely. Maybe she has that charming sense of entitlement that some old people have a tendency to develop (and I'm thinking of my Gran here). But with daily contact from a large extended family, she surely isn't lonely.

Minimuffin, I agree with you that it isn't fair that the expectation from both your dh and your MIL is that you are at her beck and call, and that if roles were reversed it's unlikely your dh would make regular calls to your mother. On the other hand, I would probably be inclined to make an extra call for the sake of dh , and play a team game on this issue.

My suggestion would be to call with ds2 at random midweek times (don't get tied to a timeslot) while ds1 us at school. And , after your conversation, leave her and ds2 to talk - don't intervene or translate, just let them talk. I also think that your dh should call her midweek, even if it's on a car phone kit on his way home from work - I'm sure she would love to talk to her son too, and he does have to take some responsibility on board.

If she regularly phones when you have explained you are out on the school run, you might need to consider whether she is being manipulative in a 'woe is me, how dare you be out' way, or she is beginning to suffer from short term memory loss?

Sorry, missed the bit about extended family.

In that case, maybe DH could have a one-off chat with someone there who has a good relationship with her, and suss out how to handle this. Her expectations are unrealistic.

I think you're doing quite enough.

"Of course diddl, not sure why some people on here seem to want to partition their families into his side and her side"

Well from my own POV I don´t consider my ILs to be my family.

And as my MIL is always at pains to point out (albeit to DP & never directly to me), I am not part of DP's family - never will be - none of the DIL's are!

Exactly. The day my DP agrees to phone my mum and keep her up to date with baby news etc. is the day I will pander to his. i.e. never.

My MIL is actually OK and I don't mind talking to her once in a while, but blimey I seriously have enough on my plate (with 2 DC, working, and a home to run) and so does DP without having to fit in MIL duty phone calls midweek. I'm sure she would love it but luckily she wouldn't expect it.

Very interesting debate about communication and culture.

I wonder if the MIL is trying to socialise the children (and DIL) the way she and hers always have, insisting that they speak to her at a certain frequency, about certain things and in a certain way (learn to love storytelling and jokes, etc.).That is what she understands.

No wonder there is a culture clash with the way her son and his family live now! Over the water in England and down the stream in your generation, you have a family which is more fragmented, the father works longer hours, the children are in a highly-structured educational system, you (OP) have a different background and culture as well. Her grandchildren are different from her, and she doesn't sound as though she finds that easy at all!

We have a "mixed" cultural family, but my ILs accept that DS's first language will always be English, with all that implies. (To an extent, it helps that their DS2 pretty much grew up here and doesn't identify with them very much cuturally). For my part, I think it would be awful if DS didn't learn his "father tongue", so really want him to be close to that side of the family. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to go along with all the "funny ideas" they have over there. I don't want my son being totally foreign to me, either! No more foreign than DH himself.

Maybe the bilingualism boards of MN would be another good place to find people with experience of bringing up multicultural families?

That's really interesting, plupervert!

MIL fears her GC growing up different to her, so throws so much onto them.

Wouldn't it be nice for the kids if she made an effort to visit their world sometimes? (I mean, in terms of what they're interested in, and what's important to them..)

"Wouldn't it be nice for the kids if she made an effort to visit their world sometimes? (I mean, in terms of what they're interested in, and what's important to them..)"

But OP needs to facilitate that by keeping her up to date with what dcs are into.

But bruffin that's what my DH does every single weekend - tells her what they're up to and lets her speak to him. He's on the phone to her for a good half hour!

I'm going to call midweek, not on same day or at same time, when DS1 is at school and let DS2 speak to her - think that should do the trick!

I think she is OK memory-wise but just going to be more alert to that too. Thanks everyone!

But she does!

She sends photos, her dh calls once a week, they have her to stay every 8 weeks. That's plenty. The granny knows exactly what the dcs are doing and that's plenty.

Im in 2 minds about this, I can see OP your point of view but also am a bit upset reading some of the comments here. My own personal circumstances probably dictate this. Firstly while myself and my boys have a good relationship with MIL, FIL is not quite the same, they are separated and have new families. FIL shows little interest in his grandkids at all, and I know this upsets my DH dearly, so he would be delighted if his Dad was asking for calls etc.

And then secondly my Mum died when my eldest DS was 10 and she was a wonderful Gran who enriched his life, and it kills me that DS2 and DS3 will grow up not knowing her. So I think Im seeing it from the other point of view, making the most of people who are tehr and who are interested instead of all this feeling that calls to Mums and MILs are a "duty" etc.

PS and often DH does ring his mum in week - or even twice at weekends. He's really good with her - much more diligent than I am with own parents! That's not her issue - she wants more from me and to speak more regularly to DCs. She spoke to me last night and DS2 was crying and DS1 whingeing in background - didn't stop her telling me a story about her sis. If I'm on phone to someone with kids and can hear that they need attention, I just say let's speak another time. There is rarely a good time with small kids in picture and that's why I don't speak to friends I love dearly nearly as often as I'd like - it's just how it is. I appreciate that her relationship to DCs is closer than friendship, but she seems to have very little empathy for them or me when it comes to difficulties of keeping in regular touch, that's my problem with it.

How long will it take out of your day midweek to ring her? why not ring her? Ten minutes every wednesday at a pre fixed time.

Talk to your children and say nanny is a silly billy she gets upset if you dont talk to her so humour her etc.,

One midweek call is all you are being asked to make to an old lady who is lonely.

Don't be so bloody mean.

If you are phoning her then it's up to you when you talk and for how long. I don't think you should force the kids to talk to her if they don't want to though, that just makes them resent her and doesn't help a relationship at all. I'm divorced and my ex and I know that when they are with the other parent trying to drag them to the phone achieves nothing. When I was young my grandparents lived 3 hours away and I spoke to them on the phone once a month at most, plus several visits a year. We still had a good relationship when we saw each other but our parents knew we hated phone calls so we only had to talk for a couple of minutes each then mum would take the phone back.
Maybe you are being too passive in letting her talk to the kids for too long and not taking the phone back and not finishing the conversation.
If you start midweek phone calls then say you will chat briefly but are busy during the week and explain you won't force the kids to talk midweek if they don't want to but you will have a brief chat about them. Keep it to 15 minutes max.
Maybe have an evening chat to her sometime and explain young children dislike phone calls and a brief how are you? is fine for most little kids so she doesn't take it personally when they don't want to chat.

Tricky one and totally see both sides. Personally, I think I (slightly) come down on side of you phoning once mid week, in the morning, for ten minute chat. Then DCs talk to her on weekend. You can always end your ten minute chats with 'Must go now, have to do the shopping' or 'Must hang out the washing' or whatever - to get across idea of how busy you are ....

Disagree with 2rebecca - the kids may not love talking to her on weekend but it's an opportunity to teach them that we do kind things for our relatives. And mum does too, by taking time out to chat with granny during the weeek.

Don't envy you though.

Would you force the kids to talk to her twice a week though? That is what is being asked here. I had long distance grandparents as do my kids. No-one has ever put any of us under emotional pressure to force the kids to the phone.
When I'm chatting to my parents I'll ask my kids if they want to speak (usually before phoning). If they don't fine. I don't see it as a big deal. Kids usually hate phone calls. Dragging them to the phone just makes them resent the relative on the other end.
I'm not saying I would never make them speak on the phone, if say their dad lived some distance away and rarely saw them I would make them chat to him. Dragging children to the phone twice a week sounds OTT though.
I still feel the OP needs to take more control over these phone calls though, and if she does put the kids on keep their contributions short and keep the whole phone call short. Old people can witter on for hours, if this happens the OP will come to dread the phone calls.
If the MIL complains then you can say you've tried midweek phone calls and they don't work for any of you so the OP's husband can manage the weekend ones.
I hate talking on the phone and wouldn't be happy if my parents were carrying on like this, let alone my husband's parents.

Yes an assertive 'goodbye - have to go' is definitely required if you do decide to phone her. But as you say she often phones and leaves messages but your usually out then I think you need to avoid her having all her on way with regards to day and time etc. Or you will feel even more resentful if you cant go out on a certain day because gran is phoning at midday or whatever or you have to rush back etc. I would tell her a time that suits you and say 'Well I am usually in or available or whatever at 4.30 on a Wednesday so if you want to call around then you will probably catch me and be able to speak to the DGCs if you ever want to chat during the week'.

That way you are not commiting yourself and it is her who has to call you and you havent guaranteed that she will get a chat with all of you or even that you'll be in and you have chosen the time and day that is most likely to be best for you.

I understand your pov totally - my own father - elderly in his eighties - has become increasingly demanding and controlling and if you dare even mention that you might do something or call in when passing or do anything for him really then he is like a dog with a bone - never lets it drop till you deliver and is on the phone 4 or 5 times a day - 'Are you coming tomorrow or not ? or 'Have you phoned the council yet about my bins? etc etc. I'm ashamed to admit that the hairs on back of my neck go up when I look at my phone and it s my dad calling and thats my own father whom I love to bits. It makes me feel like putting off even longer whatever his latest demand is IYSWIM - just to be awkward. So I do totally understand.

My 3yo talks to his GPs (my parents) about twice a week on the phone, and to his other GPs (PILs) every couple of weeks or so. Also his uncle from time to time. I often just hand him the phone and leave them to get on with it for a few minutes - yes, there's lots of misunderstandings etc. but they get used to each other. He loves it and so do they. I appreciate this may change as DS gets older, but I would like to keep it going. It's good for boys to have to talk!

I think this is a culture class as you say. You think once a week to your mum is ample. Your MIL speaks to her sisters daily.

I actually think the contact she has with your DCs already is fine by English standards. Doesn't sound like it is by N. Irish standards. So you can't win really.

I would leave the contact at what it is as that is what you are comfortable with. If your DH wants the kids to call his mum during the week then he needs to facilitate this. If he says he can't then he has made his choice. Don't let it be your problem.

I think if she wants to try to talk to her GC midweek that´s fine.

But why try to force DIL to talk to her if there´s nothing to say?

Yanbu.

You're not mean at all.

You do a lot. A lot more than a lot of people do.

You're busy. Just get on with what you've got to do and don't be emotionally blackmailed. She's not lonely. Sounds like she's got lots of people around her.