To resent having to make DCs call MIL midweek when she already speaks to them every weekend?

[minimuffin]

Sorry, another MIL one

MIL is elderly but in good health, DH is her only son and she is on her own but she has large extended family nearby who she sees daily. So she's not isolated. She lives a long way away and comes to stay with us about once every 6 - 8 weeks. DCs are her only grandkids - they are 2 and 5. I am 6 months pg with DC3 and DH has a really stressful job and works long hours. I am SAHM with no help, but not complaining. I'm pretty busy most of the day.

She sets great store by speaking to DCs as her way of keeping in touch with them - fair enough - and DH rings her diligently every weekend to talk to her and to get DCs to speak to her. DS1 never wants to speak - can't understand what she's saying half time, and she witters on to him about people he doesn't know, places he doesn't know etc, tries to get him to sing songs with her in an old dear way. Sometimes DH has to bribe him to come to phone and it can be painful to watch - we also have to do it on speakerphone so we can translate for DCs and her as they spend half time talking at cross purposes. It's a PITA. I've said I think he risks breeding resentment there and I don't like it but I have just stepped back and let him get on with it. He says if he doesn't force DS1 to speak, she will start to feel distant from him and will want to come and stay more, which neither of us wants so I do see his POV.

ANYWAY, once a week is apparently not enough for her. Since DS1 was born 5 years ago we have had an issue which just won't go away which is that MIL would love me to call her in the week too, to have a chat and let her speak to DCs. My relationship with her is civil and friendly - there has never been a cross word exchanged - but I basically have zero in common with her, no natural affinity with her or affection for her, and find some of her behaviour towards DCs and me thoughtless and deeply irritating. All usual MIL stuff. She irritates the pants off me and has never said anything of any value to me. I have never, not once, thought in an idle moment that I'd pick up the phone and have a chat to her. We just don't have that kind of relationship, although I know she'd love nothing more than a DIL who is on the phone to her every day for a chinwag, filling her in on every little detail of our lives... But you'd think after 5 years she might have twigged that it just ain't gonna happen.

So... she has phoned a lot in daytime recently and left messages (as I'm out a lot). I call back occasionally but mostly don't on basis I don't have time or inclination and I know DH will speak to her at weekend. She called him this weekend in floods of tears saying she felt she was losing touch with DCs. DH does not need the stress of worrying about her - he has a lot on his plate at the mo - and he has begged me to call her once a week, midweek, to make her feel more involved, for his sake. I understand totally where he's coming from and want to help him, but I really effing resent it - only time when DS1 is around is after school - he's tired, it's hard enough getting him to do his words and reading. I'm knackered - walk to school and back to get him is 1 hour round trip as I get bigger and slower. I don't want to have to force DS1 to speak to her (DS2 happy enough at mo to speak) and I don't want to listen to her inane stories when i have 101 other things to do.

Really stressed about it and furious with her for being so pushy - what would you do? Should I just take a deep breath and call her once a week for DH's sake? Why is her weekend chat not enough given she knows how busy we all are? Does anyone have a 5 year old who loves nothing more than to ring their gran? Think she expects a lot of them. Just trying to do a sense check (and let off some steam, sorry for the long-windedness.... phew! Thanks for listening!)

Mega sympathy 20+ years with an Italian MIL so bloody demanding and needy daily calls about 3or 4 to dh obsessive about kids. Fake tears and hysterics because they don't call (all teenagers!) the dc have seen through it all and prefer my parents who don't demand love call ect . I think when kids are forced the end up resenting the person demanding love/attention. Ps we live 4hrs away from from in laws for a reason! But they sTill think dh will drop every thing and run when they demand......over the years he has learnt not to! To sum up I don't like her and she has never like me ....not good enough!!!!!!if I had to ring MILweekly I would get a divorce

I really can't believe some of the attitudes here.

It's about family responsibility, nothing less. This woman is a part of the family and is DH's mother. She deserves respect, there's nothing in the OP that would suggest she's done anything to warrant the vitriol.

If you don't know what respect for family is then I don't think there's much hope really.

Great parenting too... the children will also behave like precious brats with no time for family. Well what goes around comes around thankfully.

And as for that 'handmaiden' crap...

I agree with 2Rebecca, it's a very old-fashioned view of relationships, where the woman is responsible not only for calling her own mother and father, but also for her IL's and emotionally managing the families. What the betting she also has to buy them Christmas presents as well?

My husband is primarily responsible for his relationship with his parents. Not totally, just primarily. I call as and when as a compliment to what he does (which is talk weekly or more).

A mean DIL would be one who prevented the husband talking or seeing his children. She doesn't, she's more than happy for them to be in touch, just doesn't want to have fake conversations to achieve it.

The worst bit about this is that if you teach your sons that actually it's the women who do all this stuff, they will likely grow up and not bother calling you and try and get their wives to do it!

Another point as I was thinking about this. Don't think my mother experienced the pressure for lots of contact because thirty odd years ago, phone calls were expensive especially in the day time and so the expectation of twice weekly contact would been unreasonable.

A mean DIL would be one who prevented the husband talking or seeing his children. She doesn't, she's more than happy for them to be in touch, just doesn't want to have fake conversations to achieve it.

Well as her DH is at work, unless the children are able to dial the number themselves she has to facilitate it. Dial number, say "hello MIL, hope you're well. I have to finish warming DH's slippers, lighting the welcome light in the window, whatever. Here's DS1. Bye"

Then go off and come back in 5 minutes. If DS1 is talking to her then great. If not, say "DS1 doesn't seem to be in the mood for talking today. Oh well. We'll speak to you soon, bye"

Job done. No need for the high drama and woe-is-me crap that's going on here.

Great parenting too... the children will also behave like precious brats with no time for family. Well what goes around comes around thankfully.

Couldn't agree more LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I hope my son will phone me and me him when I get older. If he marries then his wife can phone me if she wishes, but if she doesn't want to that's fine.
What is it about women that we want to be overinvolved in other people's lives, especially those of the younger generation?
Fathers and FILs don't get the same stick, there is far less competitive grandadding. Most men are happy to chat now and then and get on with their own lives, and don't see their self worth as bound up in how often their relatives phone them or they phone their relatives.
I think women need to back off and let other people live their lives as well and be less emotionally needy. Get friends, get hobbies. Enjoy your own life, don't try to live life through your relatives.
My kids are being brought up with the view that a person buys gifts and keeps in touch with their family. If they marry someone it is that person's job male or female to buy presents for and keep in touch with their own family.
Of course a couple can share these sort of things between them as they wish, but I would hate it if either my son or daughter thought that buying cards and presents and phoning people was women's work.
They see that their father is quite capable of talking on the telephone and writing Christmas cards.
I want my kids to phone me because they want to chat to me, not because they think I'll cry and lay on the guilt if they don't.

Looking back at the OP-there are two things from what I can see.

I don´t think that it´s unreasonable of MIL to want to speak to her GC twice a week & if her son can only do this the once, then I think fine OP can also do it once-or tell MIL when it´s OK for her to phone.

And I do think that the children should be encouraged to do this even if they find it difficult tbh.

Where I definitely agree with OP is that she doesn´t want to spend time chatting to her MIL-sorry, but some of us don´t, beyond a "yes, we´re all fine, how are you-OK, I´ll put you on the husband/GC"

"put you on"

"pass you on to"

YANBU - but I can see why people would think you are BU...

It's hard when the GPs are in another country, esp when perhaps the other set are close by. I am from NI, live in England near PIL who get to see DS weekly, where my mum only gets to see him about once every 6-8 weeks.

I don't Skype or call my mum every day, she doesn't demand to have DS talk to her, only if he's paying attention, she doesn't blackmail me with tears etc. I grew up round the corner from both my grandmothers, but I didn't see them every day, or even every week, so they can't have been putting pressure on my mum to get to see us. Incidentally, my parents call their respective MILs "Mrs X" and "Mrs Y", so it's not that weird as a NI thing. I reckon my dad would like DP to call him Mr Offsiderule!

However, I feel as though PIL put tons more pressure on me to have access to DS, purely because they are local. They put me on the spot all the time, saying "ooh, can we have him on Wednesday afternoon between 1 and 3?" (they have a very busy social life, so it's not always convenient for me to fit in to the times they give me, as we're very busy too) and insist on DP bringing him round both days at the weekend. I have just stopped going most of the time and let DP take care of that relationship. Certainly when I'm back at work, they won't get to see him in the week!

I suppose part of me feels sad that my mum's only GS is far away from her, that the grandma he prefers by a wide margin so rarely gets to see him, particularly as her own friends all mind their grandkids in the week and get to see them all the time. I think if it was reversed and it was your mum asking for the phone calls, it wouldn't stick in your craw as badly because you would know her well enough to tell if it was competitive grandparenting or just her really missing her DGCs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I am with you. I to am really shocked by some posts. It may not fit in with you busy life but the womens only crime is to want to speak to her grandchildren! You may not be interested in what she has to say but thats families isn't it??

I imagine their reluctance to speak to her is the attitude you are setting. Families are not all about what you want its about considering everyones feelings.

Can you try and put yourself in her shoes???

Yes, but as 2Rebecca points out, it's often women making other women feel guilty. Where are the men in all of this? Where is the condemnation for FIL's and Grandads who don't help, call a lot, pop in three times a week, help out in an emergency? Why can't the husband take charge of relations with his own family? I work full-time but mysteriously am still the one who takes responsibility to maintain good contact with my family! Working or not doesn't come into it.

I also think by having her MIL stay with her every 6-8 weeks and visiting twice a year, that the OP is actually very generous with her time and probably sees her MIL more than many people going on about families on this thread.

I'm interested in what level of contact the posters saying op is being unreasonable have with their parents and in laws. Just helpful to know what we all need to aspire to in order to be decent citizens who value family.

I have no problem with the OP not particularly wanting to spend time talking to her MIL, that's her choice. I just don't think she should be influencing the children's relationship with her. It's her job as one of the adults in the family to ensure that the grandchildren have the chance to build a good relationship.

As for fathers in law etc, the OP doesn't raise an issue with any FIL so I can't judge that. But in theory of course there should be equal responsibility.

But isn't mil also trying to influence relationship? It's not as if op is discouraging contact or denying requests from dc to call. She is just saying that she's done enough to influence the relationship already. Much as I would have no contact with my mother if she were unconnected to me, I say only positive things to d. About her, they visit about every six weeks and we go on holiday with them annually. They talk to her every other week on the phone, despite her not really understanding how to talk to them. I would like my children to grow up with family responsibility, yes, but of they understand the reasons why mil is easier to get along with then that will hopefully lead them to be better parents and grandparents. A balance between family responsibility and the realities of how pulling your children closer can sometimes achieve the opposite. Bit like mil never asks for cuddles but gets loads.

Good posts by GwendolineMaryLacey and lyingwitch

OP you just sound so so mean spirited.

You will influence your DCs attitudes to her by being like this.

Not sure if anyone else picked up on your comment re you own mother and her lack of communication with her MIL??

I think that was very telling.

100% YABU

Mini - yes I'm expecting number 3 too :)

There's lots of talk here about higher moral levels of parenting/family relationships/etc.

I just want to say to Mini - my DH works away during the week most of the time. The boys rarely want to speak to him on the phone. Their relationship is brilliant, he's a great Dad, etc.etc., but neither boy likes to chat on the phone.
DH knows this, he's seen it himself in person often enough/tried the get them to talk to someone himself.

I asked him this morning - would you tell me to ring you mother more if she wanted it?
He said a) i never tell you to do anything dear &
b) no.

You have to do what you are comfortable with on a practical, real basis, not what might be "ideal (according to some people) relationship-building".

I think you've had a tough time on here, not justified at all - did you all read about the car the MIL sent?????

In case you missed it:

"a card she sent when I was PG with him - it said "the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is VERY [underlined several times] special and we intend to be VERY [underlined several times] involved. In fact, you may live to regret how involved we intend to be""

creepy....

Ooh, that is creepy!

I thought that it was bad enough when FIL told me (the day husband told them that I was pregnant) that it was "very important that MIL & you get along".

I´m afraid I nodded & ignored & refrained from telling him that maybe in that case she shouldn´t have phoned my Mum to say how concerned she was that her son was going to marry me-that I wasn´t really good enough & would doubtless end up hurting him.

DCs which I think unwarranted is harder to swallow. For the last time DH PHONES HIS MUM EVERY WEEK ONCE AND OFTEN TWICE. EVERY WEEK. WITHOUT FAIL. He is incredibly loyal and protective of her and I'm proud of him for that. Clearly there are standards of saintly behaviour out there that I can only step back in awe of...

As for the comment by Lyingwitch of "I am surprised that your DH allows it to be honest" all I can say is that we have a 21st century kind of marriage as opposed to the Victorian model. Made me chuckle.

But seriously this subject looks worthy of a doctoral thesis - the differing attitudes to duty vs love when it comes to marriage and family is utterly fascinating.

Thanks all

Sorry managed to lose half of last post. Was saying -

Thanks Justkeepswimming but I think I'm going to step away from this thread - can handle criticism of me just fine, I invited it by starting the thread - but finding criticism of DH and DCS which I think is unwarranted harder to swallow....

GwendolineMaryLacey - DH is excused of family duties because of work in your world? And if a DIL works? Is childcare of 2 plus being pregnant not WORK then?
Being a DIL seems to be equivalent to not being allowed to have opinions in many posters opinions. Utterly odd.

Minimuffin... Glad it made you smile. I didn't smile when I read your OP, I felt sickened.

When I said about your DH allowing it, I meant because that's his mother. If it would be your mother and he'd treat her this way, I say that I was surprised that you allow it.

Perhaps you're not as bad as you've posted but your opening post was awful - it was to me anyway. You seem very snide where your MIL is concerned and whether you like her or not, you've got a 'duty' (if not a wish) to foster a good relationship with her and your DCs. Your DCs will definitely pick up your attitude to your MIL and no good is going to come from that.

I'd leave that thesis on a backburner if I were you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrpbe - how often should OP's DH be phoning his MIL then? Once a week, twice a week? Sending OP's mum pictures the kids have done?
Should married couples 'swap' mums in terms of communication?

Lyingwitch, your post is hysterical and totally over the top! Ridiculous and it made me smile because, frankly, you sound like a nutter.

The op does plenty for her mil.

Most children don't want to talk on the telephone to an old lady - erm, it's called normal. Some enjoy it, others don't.

I don't think the op is doing anything to damage relations with mil at all. In fact, she sends photos, visits pretty often and encourages her dh to call the mil.

I think she's not treating her badly at all. Minimuffin, your post seems to have attracted a rather loony, irrational element of MN. Not because they disagree with you but because they're painting you as this evil dil who refuses to have anything to do with her mil. Which simply isn't the case.

Bonkers.

As does GwendolineLacey.