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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

190 replies

ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:16

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 27/01/2011 21:21

YANBU - there are worse things for a relationship eg your DH admitting they were gay (sort of makes it hard to continue with the relationship etc)...

I agree with your point about sex, although only it really is one sided - eg one person trying to make effort and the other just not prepared to etc, unless within 3 months of birth and then its probably reasonable.

ilovesooty · 27/01/2011 21:21

wishes there was a cheering emotition

Serendippy · 27/01/2011 21:21

What is the worst thing then?

femalevictormeldrew · 27/01/2011 21:21

Marks this thread to see if I can find out what pirate sex is Grin

LadyintheRadiator · 27/01/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 21:25

the only bit don't agree with is where you say you were equally responsible for your husband's one night stand

you held a gun to his head then ?

the rest...well, yes of course and much the same thing has been said on the various appropriate threads

so I say pretty much Biscuit

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 21:26

and you didn't need to name-change to say so little, really

Original poster
ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:27

Yeah that's what I mean foreveronadiet obviously if it's just the partner being demanding about when they want sex, it's not the same, that's unacceptable. But if the partner is just flat out refusing, without any effort or promise of change, I think that is very different!

serendippy well, how about the many forms of abuse people subject their partners too? that is much worse in my eyes.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 27/01/2011 21:27

You might have been equally responsible, in which case him cheating was not the worst thing that could happen to you . For someone who completely trusts their husband, loves, respects and treats them well, them cheating may be the worst thing. It depends what you are willing to put up with.

togarama · 27/01/2011 21:29

YANBU (except for the bit anyfucker picked up).

Original poster
ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:30

Obviously, I was upset, and I was angry but I understood how it had happened. He told me, and he was devastated, I had depression and had been an absolute nightmare to live with, and for a long time I refused to get help. But when he told me, it was a wake up call. I got help, he grovelled earned my trust again, and everything is fine. I understand how it happened, and don't believe his behavouir was any worse than the way I'd treated him.

OP posts:
Serendippy · 27/01/2011 21:31

Ah, but then abuse is also not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, as the partner could kill you, which would be worse.

As far as I can see, it is like saying; 'I am blind, so that is much worse than being deaf. Which in turn is much worse than being in a wheelchair.'

It is not for anyone to belittle someone's suffering by saying, 'Cheer up luv, it could be worse'. If something completely strips your self respect, drives you to depression and dark thoughts, then it might be the worst thing that can happen to you . What causes one person pain and suffering might not affect another in such a way.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 21:31

but did you hold a gun to his head ?

did you say your only option to make me get the help I needed was to shag another woman ?

there are other ways to wake someone up...

theywillgrowup · 27/01/2011 21:31

ladyintheradiator hilarious.lol

Original poster
ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:31

Yes serendippy, those situations are why I said this:

'There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.'

OP posts:
ecobatty · 27/01/2011 21:32

Well, there's a difference between an affair and a one night stand IMO, but there are definitely many worse things that can happen.

To me the problem with an affair wouldn't so much be the sex but if there was continuous lying. That would bother me much, much more.

Lonnie · 27/01/2011 21:33

I think "the worst" thing is induvidual to each couple.

YANBU for me it wouldnt be a deal breaker. I know that I have in the past been in that situation (previous relationship) for me never cleaning anything expecting me to would (and was) a deal breaker.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2011 21:33

so, ok

this thread is about what ?

you forgiving your husband for his infidelity ?

that is your choice, and your business

but justifying it with a load of other stuff about sexless marriages and abusive marriages just isn't necessary

you forgave your husband, ok, we get it

Original poster
ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:33

Yes anyfucker I am not saying he was in the right, I was naturally furious, I didn't pat him on the head and say 'Don't you worry about it petal' but it is not the be all and end all, and I understood why it had happened.

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 21:33

The act of sex is not the worst thing. The total betrayal of trust is.
Agree with AF. How can you be equally responsible for him having an affair?? Did you hook him up?

AuntiePickleBottom · 27/01/2011 21:34

if a person is unhappy in a relationship, they should either try and make it work or end the relationship.

sex is only a part of a relationship and even it is been years since having sex, there is alot more to a relationship.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/01/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:35

No, it was a long time ago anyfucker, I simply mentioned it so that nobody could say 'Well, until you've been cheated on you don't know how it feels' etc.

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 21:35

How many times before it does become the worst thing then OP?

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 27/01/2011 21:36

i married a complete and utter tosser when i was 21 and ended up having an affair. im still with the guy i cheated with, but when ever i confess thats how we started i get varying degrees of horror and disgust. YANBU, and it nice to know that there are some people who aren't so judgemental and have some perspective.