to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

[ThrowMeToTheLions]

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

'So, LadyInTheRadiator you expect that even if you treated your husband terribly, made his life hell, he still wouldn't have the right to maybe make one mistake? Everyone could be tempted if they were pushed hard enough.'

Where did I say 'Ladyintheradiator, it will be your fault if your DH cheats on you?' I didn't.

I said, you cannot expect to treat somebody awfully, expect them to put up with anything you throw at them and still always keep to the 'rules'...people sometimes break under stress.

people can forgive or at least accept and decide to move on with their lives as a couple...but the person who was cheated on cannot shoulder the blame..perhaps they can choose to accept or understand the reasons behind an affair but ultimately the cheat has to accept responsibility for their actions...

i think the point is cheating because of a "rough patch" is obviously not acceptable, nor is shagging someone else for the sake of it. but in extreme, long term situations one partner may need comfort from someone else, it doesnt make it right but imo easier to understand (that about right throwmetothelions)

Goodnight, sleep well!

I can accept that people can sometimes break under stress. My DH ended up signed off work with anxiety himself when I had PND. But in what way is putting your dick in another woman a legitimate reaction to stress?

Don't get why the OPs husband;s affair was as much her fault as his?

that is exactly what I'm trying to say ahardmanisgoodtofind I'm talking about extreme situations.

and you know what there is nothing wrong with that...personally I think that the person who had the affair needs to be honest with themselves.

Extreme or not

Maybe the OP is trying to justify a little side action for herself.

YANBU, I know a few relationships saved by a discreet, well planned affair.

DoesNotExpectToBePopularForThisPOVTiggaxx

Oh yes, that's exactly what it is.

And by your standards I can justify it, after all, you did say that if it's a 'payback cheat' that's acceptable.

Hurrah.

Must be nice to know you have someone you can rely on in sickness and in health.

Me too actually dawntigga

Fair enough kerrymumbles I totally get why you feel that way.

Might not be the worst thing, but it would be the last. my life is too short to waste any of it on a cheat. I love DH and want him, but I don't need him.

Agree with Ecobatty, Op is refering to a one night stand. Not the same as an affair. Affair involves often persistent lying = loss of trust.
There would be no way back, for me, after an affair.
Agree with Bartering. dying or serious illness is worse.
But an affir is very very high up close on my list, near to those. Not for everyone would it be so important. But it sure is for me. MAJOR. BIG TIME. Trust is one of the most important things, I think.

anyone?

OK this thread is about affairs in general but wasn't your refusal to get help part of the depressive illness?

Agree with CoffeeDodger

Go and cheapen yourself OP, it will be your DPs fault, he drove you to it.

'and I accepted that it was as much my doing as '

That is so not true. Don't be talked into thinking that. Total bull.

y relationship with DS dad ended becuase of a one night stand. Him not me. But it was the final nail in the coffin iyswim.

I think that cheating is never ok.

And all this bull about "what if the someone wasn't being treated right?", then leave FFS.

It's a pathetic, cowardly way to act. Either stay, or leave. Cheating is just stupid.