to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

[ThrowMeToTheLions]

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

KerryMumbles, so she should be having sex with him because she is spending "his" (translate to "their" since they are married) money?

If you are actively choosing to not have sex with your partner, it is not a minor thing. It could be for any reason, physical or emotional, but it is not "nothing" - all because she or anyone else cannot articulate a "choice" to not have sex in a way which YOU understand does not mean that it is "nothing".

I hope you tell any daughter you have that as long as her husband puts out the cash, she should be spreading her legs grateful that his cash is being thrown her way, and any son you have that as long as he pays for his wife's (translate to family's) upkeep that she ought to be showing him gratitude by putting out when and where he wants it. Unfortunately, with a viewpoint like that, I think your children would turn out to be rather messed up individuals through no fault of their own.

I'm sorry *KerryAny man (or woman for that matter) who would stay in a sexless (and probably loveless) marriage for 6 years is an idiot.

Don't give me the "staying together for the kids" bullshit either. When he says that what he means is it's cheaper to keep her. Look at the deal he's got, he's got his family at home some one to cook and clean for him and he gets to fuck anyone he wants. Yeah he's a real prize. I sincerely hope he doesn't have any daughters because he's teaching them that this is the way a man will treat you if he's not happy with you. Rather than trying to fix the problem he'll go and put is dick in any thing he can find. Yep that's father of the year material right there.

Dangit...I'm having issues this morning that should say KerryMumbles. Gah, my brain is seizing up on me.

I aggree with the original poster one hundred percent. sex is not the worst thing that can happen in a reltationship. there are far far worse things.

KerryMumbles Sorry if I misinterpreted that. My apologies to your friend.

He may seem loving and supportive, but regardless of how good a "friend" he is, unless you live in his home, you do not have a clue what is going on or why his wife feels like she does.

If he feels "used", then he ought to try and talk to her about it. If she is refusing to talk about it and he feels that a "no sex" relationship is insurmountable for him, then he should do the honourable thing and tell her that it is not working for him and leave. There is NO excuse for having an affair and lying to your spouse about it, none at all. If he has an affair, then I am sorry, but he does not love her as much as he makes out that he does.

I somehow doubt that she is "spending all his money" (and I dread to think whether it is you that has phrased it in that way or him) - and regardless, money is a completely separate issue. Any attempt to try and link it to one's (lack of) sexual life seems to indicate that he or you believe that it is linked in some way, thereby reducing his wife to no more than a prostitute whom he feels should put out if he is spending money on her/his family.

ive never had an affair, i;m of the opinion that you either need to shit or get off the pot

if your unhappy - leave or work it out. theres no excuse for it in my book.

YANBU - was in a relationship where I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused. So no, I do get it, an affair wouldn't be 'the worst thing a man can 'do' to you'.

However, I think that women shouldn't be so vulnerable that they rank the bad behaviour, and rationalise it. 'I shouldn't complain because x, y or z is worse.'

I think women are trained from birth to see things this way.

PS, to the poster who got married at 21 to an abusive tosser and is still with the man she 'cheated' with now, that wasn't cheating. That was escaping.

We can agree that there are women who are with men for their money and their money only. Regardless, it has nothing to do with their sex life, or rather, shouldn't.

One's partner can be a pauper or the richest man in the world, can treat his wife like gold or like shit - cheating is still cheating, and rationalise it as best you can, but there is NO justification for it. If my DH were to cheat on me, were I to then cheat on him knowing what he did, there is no way to justify what I would do as anything other than cheating. Escape if you must, but you do not/should not have to dishonestly shag someone else to do so.

Cheating to me IS abuse - it is an abuse of your partner's trust and their love. All because your cheating does not lead to external cuts and bruises does not make it "not the worst thing a man can do to you".

valium thanks, i never really thought of it that way