to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

[ThrowMeToTheLions]

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

I agree that it's usually not the worse thing that could happen, but I fail to see how the cheated-on partner can take responsibility for the cheating.

OP, I don't think anyone would have said "you don't know how it feels"

that's not how these threads go

why did you name change?

your opinions are not invalid, but I don't understand why you are posting them

YANBU.

I didn't say I took full responsibility, but I recognised that my actions definitely had a part to play.

Readywithwellies it was 9 years ago, and we have been happy ever since. I only mentioned my DH cheating, so that nobody could accuse me of talking about something I knew nothing about.

And as I've said a couple of times already, if the partner is cheating just for the sake of it, to have their cake and eat it etc, that's very different. But sometimes there is more too it, and the cheating partner is being treated badly too.

Nope it's not the worst...but it's fucking awful nevertheless

Because anyfucker I tire of people being ripped to shreds when admitting to infidelity, when sometimes the situation is very complex.

And I think that there most definitely would have been cries of 'You don't know how it feels, so how can you say?' or 'Are you just using this to excuse your own infidelity?' etc.

Well it's not the worst thing that could happen. A partner could die, kill the other partner, become seriously ill etc etc. Does anyone think it's the worst thing?
I'm not surprised you managed to work through your husbands infidelity. Your husband has a wife who has not only forgiven him for his one night stand but also taken half the blame - you're certainly a keeper!

Ahardmanisgoodtofind - why have an affair, why not leave him and then start seeing your dp.

OP - how would you describe the actions of a cheater if they are not selfish? Evil is going too far - I wouldn't even call the guinea pig evil.

And as I've said a couple of times already, if the partner is cheating just for the sake of it, to have their cake and eat it etc, that's very different. But sometimes there is more too it, and the cheating partner is being treated badly too.

nobody has disputed that

on other threads, when it is made clear nobody disputes it then either

so what is his thread about ?

OP, this is about the bargains you are still making with yourself

nothing more, nothing less

you won't want to admit it though

she doesn't want to be judged for those opinions I guess AF...

Well said LadyintheRadiator.

readywithwellies do you have the experience of being in a horrible abusive relationship? Because what ahardmanisgoodtofind is vey important, sometimes when you are in an abusive relationship, you don't have to confidence or strength to leave, you don't believe that you are worthy of a happy life. It's not as simple as to say 'leave him'...it can be very difficult to summon the strength to do that.

OP has depression, partner cheats. Sounds selfish to me.

who is judging ?

and what difference would it make under any name ?

unless this is Justine- or CarrieMumsnet, or Riven, we are all anonymous, yes ?

OP just read the bit saying you were suffering from depression when your husband cheated on you - what a piece of work!
Poor diddums was it not very nice for him that his wife was ILL!

OP - so while being in this awful, abusive relationship, you find the time and inclination to meet someone else, despite feeling you are not worthy?
I don't buy it.

Well your name has a character and has built up a cyber personality..so maybe she feels this will be eroded if she uses her real moniker..

bartering I was depressed, but I was very nasty at times because of it! And I refused to get help. Of course I was hurt, but I understood. This was not the point of the thread though...

readywithwellies you sound very naive and clearly have never been in an abusive relationship.

its very hard to leave a man you cant get hold of for weeks on end and when i finally did having a conversation like that was not safe.