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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

190 replies

ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:16

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

OP posts:
singledomisgood · 28/01/2011 09:33

I spent almost 21 years in an abusive, hellish marriage. I suffered severe depression as a result.

So going by your logic OP, me exH was entitled to have affairs, and I would have been partly to blame.

And I had a lot of opportunities to cheat (but didnt). So are you saying I should have because of the way he treated me?

Instead,I wasted my time trying to fix our marriage, when we should have both been having secret shags. Cant see how that would have helped the situation?

On another note, Serendippy - am single now and no chance of sex, so am going to forget about internet dating and go hunting for loose paving stones!Grin

namechangealso · 28/01/2011 09:35

Yes, expat, and there are those whose spouses do know but they don't want to face up to it, they realise that they have lost a little of their other half but would rather keep what they have got ... than have nothing at all. An unspoken agreement maybe?

secretskillrelationships · 28/01/2011 09:43

Given life expectancy is now well into 70s or 80s, we now get married expecting that we could be with our partner for around 50 years. Do we really think that, at no time in that period, might we be tempted at all? Or is this why so few marriages now last?

When I got married, I was very aware of the potential risks to our marriage. I did not think a one-night stand would necessarily be a deal breaker. For me, an affair, with the associated deception would be.

Roll on 15 years and I found out that my H had had a one-night stand about 10 years previously. It shouldn't have been a deal breaker (see above) but the fact that he had kept it secret moved this into deception and became so. I do think that had he confessed immediatelly we could have got past it, with a lot of help and without me taking any responsibility. I do think people make mistakes.

As someone once said to me, it's not so much the mistakes you make it's how you take responsibility for what you've done and what you learn from them that really counts.

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 10:29

"An affair is not A MISTAKE...

Woops, I slipped and with laser-like precision, my dick ended up in a pussy that didn't belong to my wife.... I'm so sorry, My bad, Please excuse me."

Haha, quite!

"How can it be the very worst thing to happen.. a few pages back I think Malficence (apologies if I have spelt name wrong) said she would rather her husband died than had an affair... surely she can't mean that."

See I agree with this. It's not the same as saying you want them to die. Death can't exactly be avoided, and wouldn't be something he chose. It wouldn't be something he did knowing that it would obliterate my trust in him. He also wouldn't be intentionally hurting me. Cheating is those things.

"Given life expectancy is now well into 70s or 80s, we now get married expecting that we could be with our partner for around 50 years. Do we really think that, at no time in that period, might we be tempted at all?"

People don't have to act on temptation though.

AllHailDaddyPig · 28/01/2011 10:32

Gosh, so many responses since last night.

I'm going to ignore the ones that question my self respect and motives for this thread, simply because it's tiresome and some of you will just believe whatever you like.

I also can't believe that some people would rather their husband died than slept with somebody else? Hmm Funny how people can be so different, eh?

And to the person who said nobody needs sex, well I disagree. I think that sex is an essential part of a marriage, and if you declare a vow of celibacy at some point in the relationship, it is very unfair if your partner is not on board with it. You cannot force a life of celibacy onto somebody and expect them not to stray! I'm not saying everyone would, but to say that they might not be tempted, and sometimes give into temptation even, is very silly.

I am in disbelief at the things people believe a partner should put up with, and yet apparently should still be the perfect wife/husband.

And also, so many of you seem to believe it's so black and white. 'If your not happy - leave' It really is not that simple/easy for a lot of people!

differentnameforthis · 28/01/2011 10:32

Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage

No, they shouldn't! But that is what divorce is for. Divorce then find a new partner.

It's not that hard, is it!

differentnameforthis · 28/01/2011 10:34

....that it was as much my doing as his

No, it wasn't. How could it be?

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 10:39

"You cannot force a life of celibacy onto somebody and expect them not to stray!"

Yes, you can. Maybe you can't expect them to stay, but stray? There is no good reason for it.

"I am in disbelief at the things people believe a partner should put up with, and yet apparently should still be the perfect wife/husband."

If a relationship is so bad that you have to "put up" with loads, then you leave.

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 10:41

"but to say that they might not be tempted, and sometimes give into temptation even, is very silly. "

Anyone so pathetically weak willed that they would risk seriously hurting someone they claim to love just to get their leg over is a twat. Temptation is a bollocks excuse, everyone has the ability to override temptation.

Sometime I'm tempted to hit people, I don't. Know why? Self fucking control.

NacMacFeegle · 28/01/2011 10:48

Exactly, Kaloki. Just because a person doesn't not want sex does not mean they don't deserve your respect. I would rather that a man leave than pretend to want to shag him.

TBH, it's not the actual act of sex with another person that would be a deal breaker. It would be the lying, deceit, lack of respect, prioritising sexual needs over family life - those things are the deal breakers.

brightlights that's an important part of your relationship, and I respect that. However, it is that black and white IMO - if it goes wrong, get out before you start to shag someone else. Maybe being tempted should be trigger enough to actually talk about your relationship and try to fix it.

readywithwellies · 28/01/2011 11:04

Op if you are going to name change then remember you have done so. You would be shit at having an affair

Malificence · 28/01/2011 11:20

Fidelity is one of the most important factors in my marriage, we have been together since we were sixteen and neither of us have had sex or a relationship with anyone else, we've managed to stay faithful for nigh on 30 years so the next 30 will be a doddle.
That's why I mean what I say about my husband dying being preferable to him cheating and that's why infidelity is such a deal breaker too.

If he was ill or disabled in such a way that sex wasn't possible, I wouldn't add to that misery by cheating and vise versa - we love sex with each other, so no one else could possibly compare any way.

Kaloki says everything else that I believe to be true.

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 11:53

But nacmacfeegle love your name btw. I believe that sex is and should be a fundamental part of all marraiges. It is what binds people together in the first place, sexual attraction. I don't know that if ever i was put in that situation i would be tempted, i can't say i wouldn't because i NEED intimacay.

I think those who say if you don't want to have sex with that person anymore then leave, have a point, but then dont we all get to a point in our lives where sex becomes less important, im 40 and it aint happened yet! but it has to be for both partners. Women seem to be the ones who go off it traditionally, although im more highly sexed than DP. But then, if its the other way round and you are the person left wanting, should you leave someone you love and want because they don't want to have sex with you - to me, the way forward has to be to make it fun and fulfilling for both partners.

We have ALL enjoyed sex at some point in our lives so there is no reason why that shouldn't continue.

My fathers affairs were not due to lack of sex, it was due to the fact that my mother treated him like shit.

secretskillrelationships · 28/01/2011 12:19

But however your relationship is, you have a responsibility to try to make things work better for everyone. If that is not possible, then, as someone else said, separate BEFORE you get involved with someone else. Anything else is massively disrespectful to EVERYONE involved.

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 12:21

Cheating definitely doesn't make it fun and fulfilling for both partners.
Another alternative if one partner wants sex and the other doesn't is a mutually agreed on open relationship. Like I say, no excuse to cheat.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/01/2011 12:29

I'm going to ignore the ones that question my self respect and motives for this thread, simply because it's tiresome and some of you will just believe whatever you like.

Fair enough. But in that case you should have titled your thread "I'm a mug, AIBU to think that everyone else should be too."

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 12:33

Forgot to say, when you are go a relationship shouldn't trust be the most important thing? What really rates higher? How can you love someone you cant trust?

That's why cheating is so bad, it destroys the foundation to a relationship.

readywithwellies · 28/01/2011 12:51

Difference between being perfect and shagging someone else!

How can you trust your (now) perfect dp?

mumbar · 28/01/2011 12:56

AllHailDaddyPig Now you've outed yourself, by mistake I suspect I am actually quite concerned for you.

I fear you may have extreme low self -esteem. Sad Was it not you who a few weeks ago admitted you'd go to jail for your DD as shes the most important thing in your life? And that she probably was a 'little princess'(sorry if wrong}.

if that was you, you need to start getting the people in your life to treat you with respect. you're worth more than that.

walkinZombie · 28/01/2011 13:10

I think people have different braking points,

I always thought abused women would be terrified to stray as the consequences can be fatal.

differentnameforthis · 28/01/2011 14:49

Brihgtlights, how can you blame your mum?

My fathers affairs were not due to lack of sex, it was due to the fact that my mother treated him like shit

No, they weren't! They were due to the fact that your father couldn't keep his knob in his pants. If your mum treated him that badly, then he should have left, but for him to blame your mum & get you to do it too is disgusting!

Honeybee79 · 28/01/2011 14:57

OP, I disagree that you were equally responsible for your other half cheating on you. Was it a joint effort from both of you to take his cock and insert it into someone else? TBH, I think the fact that you were suffering from depression makes it even worse.

I have suffered from depression and been a total nightmare. My DH goes for a long bike ride not the other type of ride . . .

Yes, there are worse things than an affair. Like your other half killing you but it's pretty meaningless to think like that in my view.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 16:38

brightlights, I too felt very uncomfortable to read that you entirely blame your mother for your father shagging another woman

if only because it is glaringly incongruous with your other posts on MN Confused

kepler10b · 28/01/2011 16:42

YABU. having an affair is never a reasonable response to a dysfunctional or even abusive relationship - or even your partner having an affair. getting out of the relationship is the reasonable response in that instance.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2011 16:52

'I believe that sex is and should be a fundamental part of all marraiges. It is what binds people together in the first place, sexual attraction. I don't know that if ever i was put in that situation i would be tempted, i can't say i wouldn't because i NEED intimacay.'

Maybe it is to you. That's a valid viewpoint. But to others, whilst, yes, of course, sex is involved, the fundamental part is 'I will love, honour and cherish you'.

So for some, fucking someone else precludes that promise.

Personally, what bound me to my husband in the first place wasn't sexual attraction, although we have an active and healthy sex life.

Not everyone is as focused on sex.

But tbh, I think this OP is trying to make herself feel better about her husband's 'mistake'. I feel sorry for her, actually.

I agree with Kaloki, too. A lot of it really does boil down to having some self-control.