to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

[ThrowMeToTheLions]

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

An affair might not be the worst thing, but it's pretty fucking bad, isn't it?

morloth spot on. "my life is too short to waste any of it on a cheat. I love DH and want him, but I don't need him."

I always told ex-p the difference in our relationship was he needed me whereas I wanted him. After the one night stand and subsequent eviction of him, by me, he wanted to 'sort it out' It was to be sorted on his terms not mine . Anyhoo he asked me to maryy him still and I said 'thing is you still need me, and I no longer want you'.

I said 'thing is you still need me, and I no longer want you'.

Bravo [throws flowers]

YOu can't use the old chestnut well you treated me like shit so I fucked someone else bollocks, it is just another excuse.

Trying to lay blame at the other persons door, if you aren't happy you talk about it you don't go fucking someone else to make yourself feel better.

Cheating is cheating there is no excuse.

"'So, LadyInTheRadiator you expect that even if you treated your husband terribly, made his life hell, he still wouldn't have the right to maybe make one mistake? Everyone could be tempted if they were pushed hard enough.'"

ONE MISTAKE?

Getting drunk and losing your keys is a mistake, dropping your phone down the loo is a mistake.

An affair is not A MISTAKE...

Woops, I slipped and with laser-like precision, my dick ended up in a pussy that didn't belong to my wife.... I'm so sorry, My bad, Please excuse me.

At every level, from the emotional cooing, the chatting up and the touching, the kissing, the undressing and the actual penetration there is an almighty opportunity for the married person to think, to stop themselves and think of their marriage.

Also, unless it was a bang up against a wall or in the back of the car, there is the business of planning the WHERE for the rendezvous too.

OP, YOU are entitled to get sick. Depression doesn't just hit certain people, it hits ONE in THREE of us. You married this guy, you agreed to stay together in sickness and in health, till death do you part.

He betrayed these vows, your marriage and YOU.

You can forgive him, you can work through it and you can go on with your lives happier and healthier having learned to communicate better.

YOU DO NOT HOWEVER TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS SHAGGING SOMEONE ELSE.

So are all these posters naive as well then OP?

'thing is you still need me, and I no longer want you'.

Bravo indeed.

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's actually quite difficult to have sex with someone.

You have to take off clothes, and get parts to interlock in complex ways. You can't just slip and have it happen.

dawntigga's back??????

BestBloodyNewsI'veHadAllYearTigga

Trillian don't tell me you've never once had an occasion where you tripped over a loose paving stone, all your clothes fell off and you landed on a willy? Just me then?

I cannot believe it is now supposedly acceptable to go fuck someone else cos you get treated bad or you aren't happy in a relationship.

Whatever next! Nuts.

No excuse for cheating none and never will be. Not even booze is an excuse cos you don't lose your morals when you pissed. All just excuses.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'll put my tuppence in. I think once you have gone to the 'bad place' in a relationship, where 1 or both of you have cheated, you shift your mindset, you think 'well really that wasn't such a big deal was it?' And yes you can carry on. It's always kinda lingering though.

But then if you start a new relationship, where there is complete trust again then you go back to thinking that it's a really uncool thing to do.

I am speaking as someone who has been cheated on, and I have also had an affair. this was a previous relationship, I haven't and won't cheat on my DH.

"Cheating is cheating there is no excuse."
Agreed.
I struggle to understand anyone who does not agree with this.

I think you truly cannot know what is the worst thing that can happen in somebody else's relationship. Because people are different. And their relationships are different, the unspoken assumptions and silent promises they rest on are different.

For some an affair would be the ultimate betrayal, for others it would be something else- financial dishonesty, the betrayal of religious or political or humanitarian ideals, drug use.

Imo the only way to go is to listen to your own partner and be aware of what would be the ultimate betrayal for him or her. And to listen to yourself and know what matters to you.

There is no point in saying "this isn't that bad, because X no of posters on Mumsnet have assured me that it isn't bad".

The other point to be considered is that your children may not see it in the same forgiving light. I do know children who have never forgiven their two-timing parents even though the other partner did. Having to accept that your dad is not the honest upright person he told you to be can feel like a terrible betrayal. Tbh I think I could easier forgive my dh for having an affair than I could have forgiven my father (not that the need has arisen).

DH and I had a discussion before we got married of things that were deal breakers for us which are cheating and abuse of any kind.

I'm a firm believer that if you will do it once, you'll do it again.

I don't care what anyone says, there is NEVER a time when it is okay to cheat.

Unhappy in your marriage, get counselling, don't want to get counselling or been there before and it didn't work, get out. But you have NO BUSINESS putting your children (or anyone else's children) through the mess an affair can make of a family because you decided you'd "show him/her" and go fuck someone else.

My father had many affairs, one of them I found out about when I came upon them (when I was sent to tell him it was time to come home from the bar - I was 14 and the bar was about two blocks from our house).

When I had depression and was horrible to my DH and didn't want sex as I hated my own body so much I couldn't bear to be touched, my DH did not go and have a one night stand.

Call him a crazy motherfucker but he mustn't have thought that shagging someone else would help me. But then again, that's just him.

YABU

1. Just because DV can be worse than an affair, it doesn't mean that an affair can't be the most damaging thing in a relationship.

1. Just because you accepted the blame for forgave your DHs infidelity, doesn't mean that everyone will and...

1. Not every affair is a one night stand.

On the bright side, at least your DH knows how to snap you out of depression quicker in the future!

Agree with others that ranking bad stuff is a bit childish.

If the OP thinks so little of herself that she doesn't mind, or worse, blames herself for her husband's "mistake" then fair enough.

Some of us think a bit more of ourselves (and actually, our partners) to see that as acceptable.

It's a bit off in all honesty to come here and say "what's the matter with you all? My husband had an affair too! What's so bad about that?"

You can live with it. Most can't. Or shouldn't have to.

So people who don't want sex should force themselves to in order to keep their man happy?

Is that part of the "oh, you like it really, you just have to do it" schtick that is so common?

A relative had an affair with a married man and STILL excuses it on the grounds that the wife wasn't putting out (pg!) and wouldn't let diddums go and get slaughtered whenever he felt like it. It's a pervasive and shit attitude.

The way I see it, NOT wanting to have someone put their penis in you
way trumps "needing" sex. Nobody "needs" sex. They might want it a whole lot, and not be used to being turned down, bug it isn't a need.

There is no excuse for unfaithfulness. If you are unhappy, sort it out or get out. Have sex with other people once you've left. Why is that odd?

'For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.'

Sounds like you're made for each other then.

I have read this thread with interest... I am with ThrowmetotheLions on this one. How can it be the very worst thing to happen.. a few pages back I think Malficence (apologies if I have spelt name wrong) said she would rather her husband died than had an affair... surely she can't mean that.

Of course affairs aren't 'right', of course they have the capacity for massive hurt and heartbreak. But life is not black and white, unlike some seem to think on here ... i.e. Stay married, don't stray EVER.... or, get help, sort it or leave your husband, start again. What about the shades of grey? Sometimes there are very very many factors that force you to stay within a marriage but get comfort elsewhere. Those reasons can be very convoluted but very valid... illness, children, forced celibacy blah blah.

I just don't think that someone who has gone down this path in a measured thoughtful way and who daily has to live with the guilt of it, should be flamed. Unless you have lived in that person's shoes, you don't know.

People who disagree with the OP's point of view are entitled to their opinion, too, namechanged.

For you and her, it's not the worst thing that can happen, for others, it is.

My dad had an affair, the pain it caused was awful - i blamed my mother (still do)

Until i started reading this forum i would have said that an affair was the worst thing that can happen in a marriage and there is never an excuse.

But daily on here you see posts from women saying withhold sex if he has pissed you off. leave him if he dared to yell at darling child, what an arse, twat, stupid men are ect and i no longer wonder why some men men would be temted to cheat if he is getting so little respect/love at home.

And to say if he is not happy to leave is not easy if you are a man with children as in most cases it will be the man who loses his children and home.

Of course, expat ... the world would be a very boring place if we all agreed with each other. I just wanted to point out that it isn't necessarily as black and white as some make out...

I often wonder, too, how many 'affairs' are actually so in the sense that the other spouse has no knowledge of it.

Several of my mother's friends - from a generation where marriage was for life in their viewpoint - were in sexless relationships and had very long-term lovers. One of these women later married her lover, who was also in a sexless marriage, after their respective spouses died.

I mean, how could their other halves just not know?

Maybe they didn't, but it seems hard to believe.

NacMacFeegle, its not as cut and dry as that - my partner and i have a good sex life, if we dont have sex for a while (um, for about a week ) i get uptight, i don't feel so close to him. Our lives are quite stressful at the moment and sometimes we need a bloody good shag just to bond us together. I NEED the intimacy of sex and im sure he does too. If we never had sex, i think that whilst neither of us would actively look elsewhere, the craving for intimacy is quite strong so if that were available, i wouldn't hand on heart, be able to say i could turn that down.