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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

190 replies

ThrowMeToTheLions · 27/01/2011 21:16

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 28/01/2011 16:55

It does sound awful but I would rather my dp die than have an affair. That is a terrible way of putting it, I know. If he had an affair our relationship would be dead. I take my hat off to those of you that can do it, but I could never move on after any intimate betrayal.

carmenelectra · 28/01/2011 16:58

I comment as a woman with a good sex life. Therefore, really leaving no justification in being unfaithful. However, If one partner stops wanting sex or refuses any intimacy then it is not unreasonable for the other person to not want sex from somewhere else. This is, of course, after all possible steps to sort out the intimacy issues.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 17:00

carmen, what is your take then on men who have a good sex life within their marriage, but are still unfaithful ?

your post implies that having a good sex life is insurance against your partner shagging someone else

it isn't

expatinscotland · 28/01/2011 17:02

AF is right. Some people just fuck someone else, for a variety of reasons.

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 28/01/2011 17:24

I think that an affair, along with any other act that would be a deal breaker in my marriage, is the worst thing. It would be the end finito.

I refuse to take any responsibility for my husband putting his penis in another woman's vagina. I would have nothing to do with that and if he ever did that, whatever his reasoning, he would be killing our marriage.

His bags would be packed and that would be it. It may seem black and white, but we know where we stand with each other.

carmenelectra · 28/01/2011 17:54

Af my take on men who ahve a good sex life and still unfaithful is that they are wankers.

I know A good sex life is no guarantee, but If ther relationship is good in all areas including sex then I could never forgive the betrayal.

I probably could never forgive any betrayal, but if our relationship had gone down the pan with no sex as well, it's maybe more understandable. If one person is ok with no intimacy and the other has tried then I guess it happens. Personally, if this happened to me I would leave.

I do relaise, especially from reading some of the awful threads on here though that often people in 'good' relatonships have affairs. Often boundaries get crossed. Please God, I hope itnever happens to me.

Of course we all face temptation from time to time, but most of us don't act on it.

carmenelectra · 28/01/2011 17:57

Agree with Tallulah. It is totally black and white with me(us). My dp knows I love him to bits, but shagging someone else would be the end.

I sya this because although it would break my heart, I could not be with him. I could never be the same again. I certainly couldn't bear sex knowing he had recently been rolling around having fun with another woman. My stomach turns just imagining it.

carmenelectra · 28/01/2011 18:01

Oh and one thing I do struggle with is people who say they love their partner but don't have sex anymore. And won't leave. Ok if are both happy to be celibate but if one still wants it, then what do you do?

I would have great difficulty in staying with someone who apparently loved me but didn't want to be intimate with me.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/01/2011 18:04

Not read whole thread yet, so sorry if I say something that someone else has covered.

My feeling on this is that when someone is unfaithful, for the time that the affair is going on, the person they are cheating on ceases to be important. All the shared history, hopes and dreams, the children's secure home - all of it is disregarded. The person you have loved and trusted utterly to care for you and protect you has basically stopped loving you, for the period that they are involved with another person.

How do you ever completely trust them to love you forever after that?

So, for me, infidelity is absolutely fucking huge. Obviously some people are better at coping with, and getting over this than others, but for some people, although they paper over the cracks and are mostly happy and convince themselves that everything is alright, there is a little bit of them which is fractured and never quite as happy as they were before.

If you feel that way, then to have someone say that you are overreacting is not helpful.

The really sad thing is that so many people cause this kind of damage to their spouses and never fully 'get' the enormity of what they've done or what they've lost. It's heartbreaking

expatinscotland · 28/01/2011 18:06

Terrific post, karma. I think the OP is actually not 'over' this at all because it's not her doing. It's his. And it's not a mistake, it's a betrayal.

Until he accepts that, it's just window-dressing, IMO.

But if that's how the OP wants to live her life, hey, horses for courses.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 18:53

carmen, I absolutely agree with you

I wasn't picking at you btw, just challenging your point a little teensy bit that seemed to suggest having a good sex life means that you wouldn't cheat

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 18:56

I notice that OP is currently supporting a friend of hers that has been betrayed sexually, and doing a bloody good job of it too (another thread)

OP...did you get any support when the same happened to you ?

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/01/2011 19:02

YANBU. I have completely changed how I feel about this and have actually just talked to DH about it. We have been together a very long time and are still in love with each other as well as loving each other, and to throw that away over sex is mad imo. I know DH would leave me instantly if I slept with anyone else. I just feel we have been through really major things together and not come close to splitting up. The closest we have come is when I was talking to an ex.

onceamai · 28/01/2011 19:05

Depends on the relationship and the reasons.

TyraG · 28/01/2011 19:11

People don't NEED sex. It's not like water, air or food. You're not going to die without it. Hell I was celibate for 8 years before I met DH. Guess what, I didn't die. Amazing isn't it?

Those who believe that sex is the most important thing in a relationship have obviously never really been in love with someone, just his dick.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 28/01/2011 19:18

I always thought abused women would be terrified to stray as the consequences can be fatal.
not all abuse is physical for one, and its not that simple. for all the people who say "just leave" and go where? in my area (by area i mean within 50 miles) there are two hostels for abused women, one for those with children (which i didn't have at the time) and one which has only 12 places, and is referral only.
i happened to find some one who made me feel beautiful, safe, loved, supported. or should i have stayed with the man who would empty my bank account and use the money to pay for strippers and parties for his friends or to go on holiday while i worked two jobs and went to uni full time?or would burn holes in clothes he thought were inappropriate?cut my hair in my sleep?pour bleach in my bath to "dye my skin"? im not sure even relate could have helped us.it took me and my now dp 6months to save enough to move. that was 4years ago. my ex still wont consent to divorce,i should have stayed faithful to him all that time??
lifes not black and white.

onceamai · 28/01/2011 19:33

TYRAG - possibly also, they haven't been together for 25 years.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 28/01/2011 20:45

OP, you were ill, your dh had an affair and somehow it's partially your fault? ConfusedHmm

What if you'd been ill with cancer, would it still be partially your fault?

AFAIC if I was ever cheated on it would be over. There would be no second chances. I admit that my definition of cheating is strict but I'd make that clear before I started a relationship and it would be up to him to either accept my terms or not get into a relationship with me. Then if he chose a relationship with me and subsequently cheated that would be it, no second chances.

Malificence · 28/01/2011 20:57

"Those who believe that sex is the most important thing in a relationship have obviously never really been in love with someone, just his dick" Hmm have a Biscuit

Not a single person has said that sex is the most important thing , to me it's of equal importance to everything else, like respect, trust, honesty and companionship, but without the desire for one another, the relationship wouldn't be whole and I couldn't stay with a man who didn't want me.

I take it that during your 8 years without a partner, you took care of your own sexual needs, yes? If so then you didn't live without sex, did you?

jellybeans · 29/01/2011 11:02

'AFAIC if I was ever cheated on it would be over.'

The thing is though you never really know until you have been in that position. You can only guess. i know at least 2 people that have said that and guess what, they did stay with their DHs. I think deep down noone thinks their other halfs will cheat (who would?). I know through other experience that what you think you will do is not neccesarily what you will do when actually faced with horrible situations.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 12:35

I'd agree with that jellybeans.

justcarrots29 · 29/01/2011 12:59

IMO there is no excuse for cheating.

I think it is very much a case of people wanting to EAT their cake and KEEP it!

KerryMumbles · 29/01/2011 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

commanderprimate · 29/01/2011 13:38

Haven't read whole thread but YANBU OP. People make too much of sexual infidelity. I think you've said well.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 29/01/2011 13:58

Jellybeans I see your point but if I found out I'd been cheated on I would never trust, or respect, that person again. For me those are two important foundations for a successful relationship and once they're gone the relationship would crumble. I'd never forget what he did, I'd never forgive what he did and I know me well enough to know that if I took leave of my senses and stayed then I'd be forever throwing it in his face everytime we argued. I also couldn't bear to have him touch me again. No one can live like that.

Some people do stay for various reasons including for the children but having been a lone parent for the last 10 1/2 years I'm not one of them.