to think that an affair is NOT the worst thing that can happen in a relationship?

[ThrowMeToTheLions]

Ok, before I begin, I am not a troll. I have been here a long while and know all about moldies, cod, pirate sex etc!

However, I am being a big old coward and namechanging because I know that this might really piss some people off, who I happen to rather like!

It just bothers me, when I read threads where somebody has confessed to having an affair or something, and it as if they have comitted a murder. Now, I am aware of the pain affairs can hurt, and obviously it's never the decent thing to do. There are obviously times when the cheater is just a selfish git, who wants to have their cake and eat it, in which case it is inexcusable and just a despicable thing to do.

But I do believe there are times when an affair is merely a consequence of how the person is being treated.

All these people who say 'nobody deserves to be cheated on', really? How about when people are stuck in relationships with nasty horrible partners, who are abusive? If a woman can find comfort in another man, if this gives her the strength to leave a horrible situation, then surely that is not a bad thing, and in such cases the abusive partner does deserve it.

I also believe - and this is going to be unpopular I fear - that if one partner is being denied sex on a regular basis, it is not completely terrible that they might cheat. I am not talking about the situations where one partner isn't getting it as much as they'd like, but the relationships where one partner absolutely does not want to have sex anymore, and isn't prepared to work at it? Nobody should be forced to live in a sexless marriage, and if everything else with the relationship is fine, and the partner does not want to spilt a family up, maybe an affair is justified to an extent?

Obviously, it is never ideal, and should not be condoned, but I do believe there are worse things that can happen in a relationship, and it's not fair to tell everyone who had admitted to cheating that they are completely evil and selfish.

For what it's worth, my DH cheated on me,he had a deeply regretted one night stand, so it's not as if I'm not familiar with the pain that can be caused. But we worked through it, and I accepted that it was as much my doing as his.

Opinions?

So, LadyInTheRadiator you expect that even if you treated your husband terribly, made his life hell, he still wouldn't have the right to maybe make one mistake? Everyone could be tempted if they were pushed hard enough.

Why kick this OP? This is her thinking through an issue in her own life that is clearly very relevant to her day to day existence. Is it not possible to discuss the issue without just randomly kicking at her e.g. "you're certainly a keeper"?

I am throwing another in

I've suffered depression myself and been an absolute nightmare to my DH. I was also reluctant to get help for a while - most people are - it's quite embarassing and when you're depressed you're not thinking straight.
I would not be with a man who would use that as an excuse for a one night stand though and the fact your DH is even allowing you to feel in anyway to blame makes him twice the arse imo.
Seems like this thread is just you trying to reassure yourself you've done the right thing tbh.

I don't agree, but then have never been in this situation. OP, I do wonder if your last paragraph (in which you seem to shoulder some of the "blame") is the only way you can begin to forgive what he did to you, by making yourself think you deserved it?

Ahardmanisgoodtofind - OK, thanks. Just wondered.

Throwmetothelions - you clearly do not know me. Just because I wouldn't cheat on someone does not mean I have never been in an abusive relationship. It means I dealt with it in a different way to how you feel is appropriate. I would deal with your dp quite differently too, it would involve a piece of string and a brick.

and finding another thread where people are upfront about their agenda < shrug >

You accepted that your dh's affair was as much your fault as his? Um, why?

and she is being judged..so far she has been called sad and naive...personally I feel she had an extremely low self-esteem ...that in itself is a judgement and also can be seen as a weakness...I have been there before but imo if your partner cheats it's not because of you..mostly it's because they can and will use their current situation as an excuse for their behaviour...I can understand why she might name-change

No, no situation warrants being cheated on except if it is a payback cheat (I can live with that)

If the situation is that bad, how does sticking your dick in someone else make it any better!! FFS!

One thing that truly irritates me on here, is how people try to tell you what you are thinking/feeling.

No, it's not about me reassuring myself, or still feeling hurt...it's purely about me thinking the people on here over-react massively when it comes to affairs.

throwmetothelions thankyou. good on you for forgiving your DH, i totally get what you are saying
if my husband was a loving sweetheart of a man i wouldnt have cheated. my indiscretion became an affair after i found my self in love with a man who didnt get drunk and piss on me while i was sleeping, or put laxatives in my food because i was fat (i was a size 6). shall i go on?

It may not be the worst thing that could happen in everyone's relationship, it certainly would be in mine, I'd honestly prefer to lose my husband due to death than to an affair.

Although I dont think an affair which involves feelings is quite as bad as a man cheating on his wife with prostitutes / having casual sex with random strangers.

chews AF's biscuit ...can i have a chocolate digestive next time please!

'no situation warrants being cheated on except if it is a payback cheat'

We will have to agree to disagree on this, then.

Not telling you what you're thinking/feeling - just telling you how the thread looks to me.
It does seem like you must have low self-esteem to accept this treatment.

ahardmanisgoodtofind I understand completely, and I am really glad you found somebody who gave you the strength to leave that horrible man!

So your husband's answer to you having depression and being miserable to live with was to shag someone else? Well done that man. What a trooper.

I suffer from depression and I've just had a miscarriage, I'm a fucking nightmare to live with. I'll pop downstairs and tell dh it's open season.

It might not be the point of your op but it makes everything else you say a bit hard to take seriously.

ThrowmetotheLions - I agree with you on the first part about people telling you what you think/feel.

I may over react massively about affairs, my exh left me for a guinea pig, affairs are horrible and I wouldn't see anyone who had had an affair. But who am I hurting by having that opinion?

It would just be an excuse LitR...

i dont think thats what throwmetothelions means. every situation is totally different and every couple reacts to stresses differently. i dont think she means if ur a bit mean to your DP they have a right to cheat, she is just saying that in some circumstances the reasons for cheating arent so cut and dry

What if you had a physical illness that meant your DH wasn't getting any - would it be acceptable for your DH to cheat then?
How are you in any way to blame? You didn't choose to be depressed. He chose to cheat.