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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wear anything in bed ....?

108 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 27/01/2011 10:18

I've never worn anything to sleep in - it makes me hot and uncomfortable and I can't sleep properly.

I have a lovely step daughter who is 7. I have been in her life since she was 15 months old and I would like to say that we are close. Her mum is fine and we've never had any issues. Its all pretty friendly and civil.

My dsd stays over one night per week and two nights every other weekend and half the school holidays. She is an early riser and will come into our bedroom in the morning and invariably climbs into bed for a cuddle with DH.

DH received an email from his ex saying that dsd had mentioned I don't wear any clothes and would it be possible for me to wear some pj's because she thinks its inappropriate for dsd to see me naked Confused

We are a very "open" family but I appreciate that dsd's mum does things differently (she has, for example, always shut the bathroom door when she goes to the loo/showers). I personally find it slightly odd, but each to their own ..

I was initially quite angry at the prospect of being told what to wear in my own bed but AIBU ?

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 27/01/2011 13:44

I dont think there is anything wrong in bathing with your young children. I just think going to the toilet is something that should be done in private.

Greeninkmama · 27/01/2011 13:45

Kids do start becoming more private as they grow up - and are naturally more modest around a stepparent than a parent. My DSS was quite happy to have a bath with the door open and liked me to go in and chat, but I stopped doing this when he was about 6 or 7.

I also remember that he was mortified that his mother's bf had gone into the bathroom while he was in the bath and used the loo (I think DSS was about 8 at the time).

Once it has been mentioned it is an issue - whether it is for you personally or not. So I don't think you have a choice but to cover up if your DSD is getting into bed with you.

MrsRhettButler · 27/01/2011 13:47

i don't think theres anything wrong with bathing or being nude with your own kids... but other peoples?

bubblewrapped · 27/01/2011 13:54

I never saw my parents naked. I most certainly never saw them on the toilet.

It didnt mean I grew up with issues about naked bodies.

I am quite comfortable walking around naked in front of my husband, and would have no issue with getting changed in front of my stepdaughter.

walesblackbird · 27/01/2011 13:55

I think you have to take the lead from your children and it does sound to me as if she may have said something to her mother, in which case it's possible that she's starting to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it's not about us and what we feel comfortable with - it's what our children feel happy with.

I've bathed with all of my children and still do (reluctantly sometimes!) with my 5 year old daughter - however my boys would be mortified now if I tried to get in the bath with them. I do still have to go and wash my 6 year old son cos he doesn't but it wouldn't feel right doing the same with my 9 year old son so lazy as he is I leave him to it - although he's not bothered by me being in the bathroom with him.

I do now close the door when I use the loo - not that I'm embarrassed or bothered about any of them seeing me on the toilet. It's just that after three children I'd quite like some peace and quiet to do whatever I want to do without being disturbed!

stubbornhubby · 27/01/2011 14:04

the OP's thread title is very misleading

AIBU not to wear anythnig in bed? No YANBU

AIBU to be in bed naked with my step-daughter who I suspect finds it uncomfortable as she has mntioned it to her mum? Yes, YABU

AIBU to go to the toilet with the door open? Yes YABU. And unpleasant as well.

cloudydays · 27/01/2011 14:05

All the responses show that good, loving parents can have varying opinions on how much adult nakedness it is appropriate for a child to see within a family. It is the child's parents' place to decide what is appropriate for their children.

If the OP had said "I want to sleep naked when dsd is here but DH doesn't think it's appropriate and has asked me to wear pajamas", I imagine that most of the responses would be along the lines of " he is her parent, you should respect his wishes in regard to his dd"

Why are the mother's wishes different, just because she's not in the house at the time? Of course OP has the right to sleep naked in her house, but the child's mother has clearly (and it seems, politely) requested that her own wishes about what is appropriate for her daughter in regard to boundaries, privacy, and other people's bodies be respected.

Surely the only reasonable and decent thing to do is to comply?

cloudydays · 27/01/2011 14:06

it

2rebecca · 27/01/2011 14:19

I have always closed the door when I go to the toilet or use the shower. Why would you not? Nothing to do with prudery, just I like some privacy, and smells and steam don't then circulate round the house.

pinkbraces · 27/01/2011 14:23

I think if your SD doesnt mind then you shouldnt either.

I find it so strange that so many people are uncomfortable with their own skin, and even worse how they portray that to their kids.

working9while5 · 27/01/2011 14:24

I remember my dad being naked after a certain age - I guess 7ish (as I remember my sister being around and was nearly 7 when she was born). There was nothing sinister about it but I can remember suddenly feeling a lot less comfortable and a bit: "ooh my daddy is a BOY and he has a WILLY" and wanting to look and not wanting to look if you know what I mean.

I'm hoping it won't offend those of you who are naked parents but I think I should say that I do remember it.. and I kind of wish I didn't. I appreciate my parents' desire to make me all happy about nudity but there are mental images there I personally wish I didn't have. Might be different for your kids but I suppose something to think about?

Onetoomanycornettos · 27/01/2011 14:34

To the poster who said this is making her feel ashamed and dirty of being naked with her own children when she'd previously thought nothing of it, I think that's a bit disingenous. Of course, cuddling in and sharing a bed, naked or not, is pretty normal for many younger children and adults, but usually we don't sleep naked in a bed with our adolescent or adult children. So there must be a point at which either the children or the adults start to feel uncomfortable or want to change that, and I don't see that it makes the whole thing 'dirty' to discuss when that point might be (just as breastfeeding a four month old infant isn't 'dirty' but breastfeeding a fourteen year old might be seen as abuse). I think if the sd has mentioned it and the mother had requested not to do that, it's really simple, this is the point where things are changing a bit, so don't do it!

I also agree with working9 that whilst my parents have always let things hang out and I'm glad on the one hand, on the other it does leave some rather indelible images which you might wish to forget. Like it or not, nude male and female bodies are not meaningless in our society, and I for one wished my dad would wear some pants (he still doesn't, I sprint if I ever stay at his for fear of confronting this awful sight).

Onetoomanycornettos · 27/01/2011 14:37

And it's also interesting to wonder if people would feel as liberal if the step-child was a boy being in bed with the naked step-mum, or indeed the 7 year old step-daughter being in with a naked step-father against the bio-fathers wishes.

I get the feeling people might feel differently, perhaps I'm wrong and the gender doesn't matter.

MissBeehiving · 27/01/2011 14:41

Onetoomany - you cannot possibly know how I feel so please don't accuse me of being disingenous.

MrsRhettButler · 27/01/2011 14:44

i think it would matter cornetto but no one has answered my question yet

working9while5 i have a similar memory that i also wish i didn't have and i have said to dp about it but he thinks i'm being silly and still won't cover up in front of dd, though i think he is thinking about it now shes 5 and noticing more

IAmTheCookieMonster · 27/01/2011 14:45

I think that it doesn't matter whether she is "right" or "wrong". She is the childs mother and she is not comfortable with it.

I think at 7 she is reaching an age at which you probably should cover up a bit more when she is around.

I'd just wear pants in bed and keep a tshirt by the side of the bed to slip on when she jumps in :-)

dementedma · 27/01/2011 14:49

not big on the nudity thing myself. Would HATE anyone to see me on the toilet, think that's pretty gross actually.
Like another poster, if I sleep nude or topless DH thinks he's on a promise so I sleep in t-shirt and knickers, or pjs which I'm perfectly comfortable in. DH sleeps in boxers.
Don't do bath sharing - why would you want to? DCs messy and splashy, and too squished if DH and I got in together. it's about comfort more than prudery I think

welshandproud · 27/01/2011 14:50

Some of you seem very oppressed to me.I fear your children will be the same.
There is nothing wrong with nudity at home as long as your children feel comfortable with it.I always feel saddened that people confuse how they feel about the naked human form and sex.When fathers feel uncomfortable bathing with their children then i think think we should question further as a society the value judgements we seem to be placing on that type of lovely human contact.It's not perverse or dirty.Sad

BadRoly · 27/01/2011 14:53

Dh and I both sleep naked and always have. All our children wear PJ's and regularly come into our bed for cuddles at the weekend. They all bath together and shower with dh (or me if they really insist). Our eldest daughter is 9 and we are conscious that things will probably start to change soon but we will be guided by her. If we have visitors, dh wears boxers and I wear my old maternity nightie.

I find it a bit sad that some posters feel they shouldn't be naked with their children but that is the society we have created for ourselves. Paranoia about exactly where the boundaries are between normal, loving family relationships and unnatural, suspicious abusive relationships.

Posting and running though as I have to do the loathsome school run.

BadRoly · 27/01/2011 14:56

Oh and with regard to op - I think may e you should cover up if dsd has mentioned it. Not ideal but maybe dsd is uncomfortable with it? I know it us different as you have been with her dad a long time, but I would feel a bit awkward with nephews/nieces or similar.

Mists · 27/01/2011 14:59

I only wear a smile to bed. Like this Grin

No that isn't true, it's musical beds in our house with autistic DS and poor DD having to have a mattress on the floor of her room just in case either DH or I depending on who has the most taxing day ahead having to sleep in her bed Sad

Doesn't happen every night but it necessitates everyone wearing clothes.

loopylou6 · 27/01/2011 15:08

We don't let our dc see us naked, it just doesn't feel right. I also tell dd 7 to cover herself up if she's getting changed and flashing het bits round. I tell her they're her private bits and we don't wanna see em.

flippinggorgeous · 27/01/2011 15:09

It isn't about being oppressed or uncomfortable with nudity, it is about the child not actually being hers and the wishes of her mother. This should be respected.

If DH and I split I wouldn't want my children being naked in bed with another woman either, even if it was years down the line and they knew each other well.

frazzle26 · 27/01/2011 15:14

I don't think her mum is being unreasonable at all. She's her daughter after all and she's getting older now. If it was my son I wouldn't want him getting into bed with his dad's (ex) gf if she was naked. I think it's inappropriate. I'm trying to stop him coming into the bathroom whilst I'm showering as I think it's inapproriate for him to even see me naked. He's 7 btw.

bubblewrapped · 27/01/2011 15:35

Some of you seem very oppressed to me.I fear your children will be the same

As I have already said, my parents were always quite modest and never walked around naked, nor did I ever see them naked. I did not grow up oppressed. I grew up with a sense of decorum, and to me, walking around naked in front of children other than babies or toddlers, is exhibitionist, and unnessecary.

We teach our children to keep their clothes on, which is a bloody hard enough job with most toddlers, who think that stripping in public is a great party trick.

We also teach our children that in our society, certain body parts are called our privates for a reason, and that reason is that we keep them covered up when not in the bath or in bed, and that toilet functions are again, something that should be done with dignity, and in private, not with an audience.